Babadook Unleashes Tweetstorm on Donald Trump

After weeks of silence, The Babadook returned to Twitter this morning to submit several tweets over the course of an hour either at or about Donald Trump.

At the beginning on the barrage, the Babadook likened the president to one of the primary villains in a classic comic strip:

This is appropriate because Mr. Trump seems to think most Americans are twerps, although he is trying to take away their health care money rather than their lunch money, except in the case of attempted cuts in school lunch programs in which case he wants to take away lunch money too. For most monsters, one tweet attack would have been enough, but not for the Babadook. He followed up with this:

A Yeti, of course, might be a better president than Donald Trump. And the same is true for the Babadook, despite his tendency to be mildly menacing in tweets such as this one:

While the Babadook can admittedly be scary, he is not nearly as terrifying as the prospect of millions of Americans being priced out of being able to get basic medical care.

Then the Babadook hit harder:

 

The storm concluded with this strike:

Donald Trump has yet to respond to any of these Tweets, probably because he was too shaken by the attacks to reply.

Diddy Launches Tie or Die Campaign

The Internet – In response to the growing epidemic of people putting themselves in serious danger by not tying their shoelaces, prominent rapper, entrepreneur, and hyperbole enthusiast Sean “Diddy” Combs went on Twitter this afternoon to announce his new shoelace-tying initiative.

Diddy also announced he would be promoting his cause with a non-album single called “Tie Yo’ Shoes” in which he explains the importance of shoelace-tying to all people, but especially to young African-American males who identify with hip-hop culture, particularly its “gangsta” elements. There is no audio available, but he tweeted out a brief lyrical sample:

Those excited for the rest of the song will have to wait until it is released, and no other lyrics were leaked, but there is a decent chance Diddy will warn listeners sternly about taking a journey in a gurney. Even more likely, he might rhyme shoes with booze, since untied laces are especially perilous when mixed with alcohol. Also, uh. He is likely to say “uh” a lot.

Whatever lyrics are included in what seems likely to be Diddy’s most memorable song in years, it will help deliver a powerful message designed to combat a totally serious problem. And untied shoelaces are definitely a serious problem with potentially dire consequences, because otherwise there wouldn’t be so many people making a habit of pointing out untied shoelaces to total strangers.

While general opinion of the Tie or Die campaign seems to be positive, one Twitter user was not impressed:

 

As of 4:49 on February 3rd, Diddy is still planning on going forward with Tie or Die. But if he doesn’t, it is most likely due to intimidation by the Babadook, and not because there is any truth to allegations that this is all “fake news.” Because this is not fake news, it is totes real.

 

*Editor’s note: What was once called “TotesRealNews” is now “SuchRealNews.” The news is just as real as it always was, and where it says “Totesreal” in the text this can be mentally replaced with “suchreal” or “veryreal” or left as it is. But due to the high journalistic integrity of SuchRealNews, and definitely not laziness, all references to the previous name within articles will remain unchanged.

Trump, Babadook, Obama, and Avril Lavigne Involved in Heated Twitter Exchange.

The Internet – Avril Lavigne’s tweet to Mark Zuckerberg yesterday, in which she accused the social media billionaire of bullying after he insulted Nickelback’s music, has been well-publicized, but less attention has been given to the tweets which followed. This is because at least some of the tweets have since been deleted, but TotesRealNews captured them before they disappeared and we are therefore able to share the increasingly bizarre exchange.

After Mark Zuckerberg, who doesn’t really use Twitter, failed to respond to the first tweet, Ms. Lavigne sent this out:

Still no response from Mark Zuckerberg, but there was this tweet from the Babadook:

 

Which prompted this response:

But as many have learned before, you can’t get rid of the Babadook that easily.

 

 

Then Ms. Lavigne escalated the situation:

The Babadook again:

 

Then another person joined the conversation:

This did not put an end to tweets at the Babadook, but it did get Donald Trump involved.

She replied quickly:

This could have been the end of it. And it was the end of Ms. Lavigne’s involvement. But Mr. Trump couldn’t stop himself.

The Babadook had this to say in response:

And this, after what was most likely a half-hour break spent scaring children:

 

And this:

As he often does, Mr. Trump disagreed:

After this tweet, Trump’s handlers decided the incoming head of state was being ridiculous even by Trump standards, and deleted all contributions by the president-elect to this exchange. Some team members have been overheard saying they would like to keep him off of Twitter for at least another month, but that seems about as likely as getting rid of the Babadook.

 

 

*Editor’s Note: The Babadook’s tweets have disappeared, but an effort will be made to reach out to the Babadook and see if it remembers what it wrote.

 

 

Auditions Held For Secretary of Humor

Melon, Watermelon, Pulp, Red, Section

The Internet – The Trump Administration is creating a new Cabinet post, the Secretary of Humor, in order to oversee a department dedicated to determining what jokes out there are deserving of the Trump Seal of Approval, and which are not. This way, President Trump will know which comedians and comedy programs he should be attacking on Twitter, and which he should be praising, without having to do any research.

The original plan was to make the audition an open one, but last Saturday the line around Trump Tower stretched several blocks as hundreds of aspiring comedians showed up due to the promise of a potentially lucrative opportunity, or possibly for the chance to heckle Donald Trump to his face. No one got that chance, however, as they cancelled open auditions and made it invite-only, to be held on Saturday, December 10th.

Out of the dozens receiving invitations, most refused, often citing a desire to do absolutely anything which didn’t involve working for Donald Trump. Several refusals prompted angry tweets from the president-elect, such as this one:

One of the few who accepted the invitation was Yakov Smirnoff, whose association with Russia likely led the Trump Team to believe he might be the idea Secretary of Humor. During the audition, he was pressed to do a Russian reversal despite telling the Trump Team those were never a big part of his act. However, they kept insisting, so he said “In Soviet America, joke tells you.” When asked to explain what he meant, Smirnoff said “Joke tells you what is funny, joke tells you what is American, joke tells you what is great. Joke is elected president.”

Smirnoff is no longer under consideration for the Secretary of Humor position, but he is under strong consideration to be sent to a Midwestern gulag in January.

At press time, the Trump Team was reported to be deciding between Larry the Cable Guy and Gallagher. Most likely, the new Secretary of Humor will be Gallagher. Which probably makes the United States of America a watermelon.

 

 

 

 

Clinton Family Allegedly Operating Space Brothel

The Internet – Fake news has been getting extra attention in recent days due to someone firing an assault rifle in a pizza place and claiming he went there because of a fake news article, but words on the internet confirm that this incident was due to a misunderstanding rather than an outright lie. The illegal operation which Edgar Welch aimed to break up is actually located on the Ping-Pong Comet, not the Comet Ping-Pong restaurant.

Comet 2016 BA14, usually called PanSTARRS but also known as the Ping-Pong Comet because its relatively small size makes it resemble a ping-pong ball when viewed from the Earth, came within about two million miles of this planet earlier in the year. Two million miles is about ten times as far away as the moon is, so for most people that would be a prohibitive distance, but according to words on the internet it is not too far for the Clintons. Their level of power and influence is so great that when the interstellar flying object came within three million miles, they were able to hop over there and move their nefarious “House of Love” to the comet so they could not be prosecuted for this particular criminal enterprise.

Some people might wonder why the Clintons would employ sex workers in space when they have enough money already and should have been too busy with their legitimate public activities to engage in such nefarious criminality, but such people live in a left-wing bubble where reality is shaped by evidence-based facts. For other people, whose perception of reality is more fluid and tends to be shaped by what they want to believe, if something is terrible then the Clintons will be doing it because that’s what horrible people do, and in this version of reality the Clintons took a day trip in March to set up an interstellar brothel where they can do whatever they want, including bring children to this brothel. The children are there in order to not be separated from family members who work at the Clinton Space Brothel, but those who are looking to be outraged can and will draw different conclusions about why there are children present.

Also in this version of reality, the Clintons are operating a space shuttle for clients to get to and from the Ping-Pong Comet, and this is being paid for with hard-earned taxpayer dollars. Because the Clintons control NASA, or something.

This angered a well-known resident of alt-reality:

No matter which version of reality you live in, if you want to put a stop to this alleged operation, you will not be able to use the Clinton Shuttle. If you live in Fact-Based Reality, you cannot do so because such a shuttle does not exist, and if you live in the other reality the Clintons have been spying on you and know what your plan is and therefore would never allow you to ride on their spaceship. But if you’re smart enough, and determined enough, and work hard enough to make enough money to afford the materials required to build a spaceship, then you might be able to make your own spacecraft and fly it to the comet and put a stop to all the horrible things which are going on in the space brothel. But to do so you will need to spend years dedicated to the cause, thinking of nothing else. Certainly no time for voting or any other political activities.

President Obama appears to be at least a bit skeptical about this, as evidenced by this totally real tweet:

But President Obama lives in Left-Wing, Fact-Based Reality, so those who live elsewhere can draw their own conclusions.

Trump Starts Twitter War With The Babadook

The Internet – Donald Trump has continued to insult people on Twitter even after winning the presidential election, and he hasn’t seemed to be any worse off for it, but he may have gone too far last night when he tweeted about the Babadook.

It started off relatively harmlessly, by Trump standards:

 

Then, bringing back memories of the initial announcement of his candidacy, Trump escalated the situation:

That seemed like it would be the end of it, but then the President-Elect received a disturbing tweet a few hours later.

And then Mr. Trump took time out of his busy schedule to respond:

If Mr. Trump thought the Secret Service reference was going to scare the Babadook into silence, he thought incorrectly, as this tweet followed soon afterwards:

And then this:

 

 

This prompted a string of tweets from the future President of the United States insisting he is not a child and promising to take the last threat a lot more seriously than the authorities took the “2nd Amendment people” comment Trump made on the campaign trail. Mike Pence also got involved, tweeting vague support for Donald Trump while simultaneously trying to distance himself from the hard line anti-Babadook stance. These attempts were less than successful considering what the Babadook had to say to Mr. Pence:

And then President Obama joined the Twitter party:

 

As of press time, President Obama had not weighed in on the subject again, but Donald Trump continued to retweet posts from his followers threatening and insulting the Babadook. The Babadook has not responded, probably because this is the time of day when monsters of the night sleep, but this feud seems likely to continue indefinitely until either someone takes Donald Trump’s phone away or the Babadook materializes in Donald Trump’s presence through the pages of a book. Fortunately for those who don’t want to see President Pence in the Oval Office, the former is much more likely than the latter.

Because Donald Trump does not read books.

 

 

*Editor’s note: The Babadook’s Tweets have disappeared, but SuchRealNews will reach out to the monster in an attempt to reproduce them.