100% True Spoilers From This Week’s Game of Thrones

Millions of people will be tuning in to HBO tonight to watch the season premiere of Game of Thrones, this being the seventh season of the epic fantasy series. And since the show has caught up to the books in terms of narrative, it is especially difficult to predict what happens next. The suspense could be overwhelming, and in order to potentially lessen dangerous feelings of plot-related anxiety, Totes Real News has obtained five important plot elements of the season premiere and these spoilers are now on the internet for everyone to read.

Tyrion Lannister Grows About a Foot Taller

It tuns out that while Tyrion was biologically destined to be short, he wasn’t supposed to be that short. Tywin’s abuse of his son, stemming from resentment over Tyrion’s mother’s death, was more extensive than even Tyrion had realized. Every time Tywin saw Tyrion sleeping alone as a teenager, Tywin applied an ointment to Tyrion’s skin. This ointment became invisible within minutes, but had long-lasting effects on Tyrion, with the primary result being stunting Tyrion’s growth. Tyrion eventually learned about the ointment from Jaime, and during a lull in events Tyrion consulted with a sorceress to stimulate his growth hormones and allow him to reach his natural height. He also looks younger now, since the ointment caused some premature aging, and he is now portrayed by Elijah Wood.

Ned Stark is Not Dead

Everyone watching the show, or reading the books, was sure Ned Stark had ceased to be alive. Trustworthy people, or at least as trustworthy as anyone can be in Westeros, saw the beheading. People can come back from some pretty serious injuries despite the lack of modern medicine, but no one has ever been beheaded and returned as a fully living person.

But Eddard Stark was never beheaded. He saw trouble coming the moment he heard of Jon Arryn’s death, and then he went searching for an actor who played him in mummer’s farces because this actor looked almost exactly like Ned Stark. With a little coloring of the hair and a couple of extra pounds, this man could pass as Ned Stark. So Ned went into hiding, paying this actor quite well to pretend to be Ned Stark, and the actor used such strong method techniques that he ended up being executed as Ned Stark. But Ned Stark, who told no one of this plan lest they ruin it, was not actually dead, and season seven sees him return and struggle to explain himself to any potential allies he can find.

Cersei Lannister Sees a Therapist

Cersei Lannister comes to realize that if she keeps acting the way he does, the rest of Westeros is finally going to agree on something, with that something being the necessity of banding together to destroy Cersei Lannister. So she spent the time between seasons consulting with a maester who specializes in mental health counseling in order to try to figure out how to control her urges to be irredeemably power-hungry. She hasn’t stopped being a terrible person in tonight’s episode, but she makes a little progress.

Jon Snow Goes on a Game Show, Loses

Jon Snow is picked as a contestant on the new game show “Westero Celebrities: Do They Know Things? What Do They Know?” and it doesn’t go well for him. Not only does he fail to recall basic Westerosi history involving the exploits of Bran the Builder, but he cannot recall the previous Lord Commander of the Watch. Jon Snow truly knows nothing.

Or perhaps he let his opponents win for a reason. You’ll have to watch later episodes, or read later spoilers, to find out.

Drogon Kills Daenerys Targaryen with One Hot Breath

In an episode full of shockers, this is the shockingest shocker. The Mother of Dragons is dead now, killed by her own “child.” Everyone seemed to expect her to keep playing the Game of Thrones until the very end, as she was seen as the fire in the Song of Ice and Fire, but nope. She’s dead now. No more Khaleesi.

But this was just a hastening of the inevitable. Winter is coming, and while Dany was equipped to deal with a lot of things, she was never ready for winter.

 

Update: Rumor has it that some, if not all, of these events failed to come to pass, but if that is the case the reason is because the producers were so devastated by the outing of their secrets 15 minutes before air time that they aired an alternate version of episode one where other things happened.

 

Cavaliers to Clash With Warriors in Epic Game of Hoops

The Cleveland-based alliance called the Cavaliers, led by representatives from House James and House Love and House Irving, is set to battle a similar alliance of Oakland-based houses tonight at 9 PM Eastern Westerosi time. The battles shall number anywhere from four to seven, and the winner shall choose a champion to sit atop the Iron Hoop.

For the duration of the past year, King LeBron James of House James has sat on the Iron Hoop, but not often. Sitting on the Iron Hoop is rather inconvenient for myriad reasons. Firstly, ascent is a challenge, as ten feet separate ground from rim, and it is considered poor form to use ladders or other climbing devices. The climb requires significant strength, as one must first jump and grab the rim and then pull oneself up several feet in order to achieve the sitting position. Once up there, eating is difficult and sleeping more so, and none have ever led a squad to victory while also sitting on the Iron Hoop. Yet no honor is more coveted than the right to sit atop the Hoop, and it is for this honor that the Cavaliers of Cleveland travel to Castle Oracle in order to defend their supremacy against the Warriors of Golden State.

The Warriors, who suffered a narrow and bitter defeat in last year’s quest for the Iron Hoop, may be stronger this year than last. Led by Lord Steph Curry of House Curry, whose father Ser Dell Curry also played the Game of Hoops at a high level although he never touched the Iron Hoop, these Warriors have emerged victorious in thirteen consecutive battles, often against some of the most skilled hoop knights in the world. The primary reason why these Warriors are so intimidating is the addition of Ser Kevin of House Durant, formerly Lord Kevin Durant of Castle Chesapeake Energy, who many see as having betrayed Lord Russell of House Westbrook in forming a partnership with Lord Steph. But betrayals are common in the Game of Hoops, and now the combined shooting and slashing skills of Lord Steph, Ser Klay Thompson, Ser Draymond Green, and Ser Kevin Durant may be unparalleled in all the land.

Intimidating as they may be, the Warriors still face a worthy opponent in the Cavaliers of Castle Quicken Loans. LeBron James, who was called King James even before being crowned because of what some consider a clever jape involving his name and a holy book, is one of the most powerful and talented hoop knights to ever play the Game. And Ser Kyrie Irving, also known as Kyrie Landbound due to his fear of sailing off the edge of the world, is quick with his movement and deadly with his shots, and also makes the knights around him better. Also with this group is Ser Kevin of House Love, formerly Lord Love of Castle Target, who is known as The Mountain That Shoots Three Pointers because he is a tall person who shoots three pointers with commendable accuracy. These three powerful knights, with the help of some others (not Others), recently crushed the highly regarded Celtics of TD Garden. So the competition should be fierce.

Both groups have clearly been blessed by the Warrior, although the Warriors may have received the greater blessing. None can be certain who will emerge victorious, but a winner will have to be crowned before the changing of the season.

A winner shall be chosen soon. One must be.

Summer is coming.