GOP Nominee Renames Self German Cain


German, Germany, Board, School

German Cain doesn’t, except for a few words

The Internet – In an attempt not to further sully his personal brand with outlandish and possibly illegal statements, the man who received the presidential nomination for one of the two largest political parties in the United States of America is no longer referring to himself by his actual name. Not when it comes to running for president. Henceforth, he shall be called German Cain, and through this change he plans to prevent his political persona from affecting his success in the business world.

German Cain still wants to make America great, whatever that actually means, but the name change also means adopting another catchphrase which was popular for a brief period approximately four years ago, and he plans to use it as the answer to multiple questions.

  • Will Hillary Clinton make a better president than German Cain? Nein! Nein! Nein!
  • ¬†Should Muslims be allowed to move to America before he figures some things out, things he has no plans of ever figuring out? Nein! Nein! Nein!
  • And finally, was he encouraging violence against a fellow presidential candidate, when the context suggested no other remotely reasonable meaning? Nein! Nein! Nein!

His policies still include the concept that if you are in America you speak English, but since German Cain embodies America then if he makes a habit of shouting “nein” repeatedly, then “nein” is an English word.

As German Cain, he wants the public to know that his success in the private sector includes the longtime running of a pizza business. Specifically, the pizza ass parade that is the Ms. Universe pageant. Which he no longer is affiliated with due to remarks made at the start of the campaign, but he does not want the public to know that.

As a final announcement associated with the political name change, German Cain declared he could shoot a political rival in the middle of Fifth Avenue, and then ask if he was his political rival’s keeper and say it never happened, and he still wouldn’t lose any votes. Not that he would do it of course, but he could.

When a random sample of passersby on the street was asked if they would support German Cain for president, this was initially met with bewilderment. But after a brief explanation, none of them said “Nein! Nein! Nein!” Many said “no,” often preceded by an expletive, but nobody said “no” in German, so the candidate still believes his approval ratings to be as high as the wall which he is still totally going to build.

And if Mexico doesn’t pay for it, Uzbeki-beki-bekistan will.