A Serious Suggestion to Remedy the Environmental Problem

It is well-known that overpopulation is largely responsible for the growing carbon footprint worldwide. The more people who are walking around breathing and driving and otherwise releasing carbon into the environment, the more carbon will be in the environment in the form of greenhouse gases, which in turn traps heat and makes the Earth warmer than it should be and causes all sorts of problems.

Problems are bad.

But problems can be fixed. Long ago, a wise man devised a solution to this sort of problem, but it was a flawed solution. Eating babies, like environmental problems, is bad. Yes, getting rid of babies would decrease humanity’s carbon footprint, but murdering a bunch of innocent youngsters is not only an unthinkable atrocity, but considering how the human race tends to get carried away with its atrocities, this course of action might end up decreasing the human population more than intended. Especially if various groups of humans start fighting with each other about which group’s babies should be eaten.

Of course, the answer is that no babies should be eaten. Instead, the gassiest adults should be thrown into a volcano.

Why the gassiest adults? Because they are the ones damaging the environment without even creating jobs and helping the economy. Maybe they create some jobs for antacid companies, but not enough. Into the volcano they go.

When throwing gassy adults into the volcano, it is important to get them into a volcano as fast as possible. If you have to drive them in a race car which leaves clouds of smoke as it zooms by the less gassy designated survivors, it is important to do so. If you have to fly them to a volcano in a four-passenger aircraft, this too is worth the pollution in order to get these methane-producing humans out of the environment and into a volcano.

If someone is thrown into a volcano without a trial, is that murder? Technically, yes it is. Is the amount of global warming avoided by murdering the burp-prone worth the stain on our collective conscience? One might argue it is not, but this is the only thing we can do to save the environment so it must be done.

We can’t listen to Greta Thunberg and regulate businesses to minimize the amount of damage they do to the environment. Doing so is bad for businesses, according to these businesses, and therefore it is out of the question.

We can’t try to decrease our personal carbon footprints by eating less meat. What are we going to eat instead, kale and spinach? Do you know how much gas eating those causes? Unless you want half the human race to be thrown into a volcano, a mixed diet which skews toward a vegetarian one is not a suggestion which would be made by a serious person.

Neither is trying to spend more time walking and taking public transportation. Doing so would take money out of the pockets of those involved with gas stations and the oil industry in general. And walking too much is un-American. It spits on the memories of the Wright Brothers and Henry Ford.

The only serious suggestion which can be made on this topic is throwing adult humans who burp and fart too much into a volcano.

Global Warming is Zeus-Made, Not Man-Made

Greek God, Zeus, Mythology, Sculpture

The Internet – Summerish weather has persisted for months before the actual start of summer in the northern hemisphere, but no matter how many scientists try to pin this pattern on man-made global warming, this is simply not the case. The consistently high temperatures are not because of changes in the atmosphere because of pollution and such, but because Lord Zeus, Master of the Skies, has been making it warmer.

Lord Zeus, who recently awoke from a millennia-long nap about sixty years ago, has been manipulating the atmosphere to keep the weather warm primarily so he could look down at the women on Earth wearing as little clothing as possible, with about as much concern for the long-term consequences of his actions as he’s had for anything else he’s done in the past.

Now that the public has been informed of Lord Zeus’ activities, there could be some concern that many women will make an effort to cover up in order to prevent a “creepy old man” from staring at them from the sky, but Zeus insists such actions will be futile. This is because as the summer months progress, he will keep cranking up the heat to make sure no one is overdressed. He will also be causing abnormal atmospheric warmth to show that it’s been him doing it all these years, since obviously it has to be a supernatural being making all these changes because humans could not possibly be able to affect such drastic differences in weather conditions. He also insists that he is totally not creepy, and he doesn’t look old unless he wants to.

Once again, no matter how much credible-seeming scientists say otherwise, humans are not at fault for the heat which will cause all sorts of discomfort this summer. The actual culprit is Zeus, who is totally real.




*Editor’s note: What was once called “TotesRealNews” is now “SuchRealNews.” The news is just as real as it always was, and where it says “Totesreal” in the text this can be mentally replaced with “suchreal” or “veryreal” or left as it is. But due to the high journalistic integrity of SuchRealNews, and definitely not laziness, all references to the previous name within articles will remain unchanged.