Top Pitching Prospect Waived For Extreme Laziness

Baseball, Ball, Sport, Team, Batting

The Internet – Mike Wesson, a top pitching prospect for an organization which has been asked not to be named due to embarrassment, has been released by his team due to attitude problems.

Wesson, 23, was expected to get his big league call-up in mid-July, but now he is expected to find something else to do after turning in one of the most unexpectedly terrible performances in Pacific Coast League history. Wesson saw his season ERA balloon from under two to over four during two thirds of an inning, in which he got shelled for ten runs.

Wesson, who had been highly touted by scouts for his fastball routinely hitting over 95 on the radar gun, and for his above-average curveball and slider, threw his first pitch right over the middle of the plate at 85 mph, and continued throwing the same pitch until his manager yanked him ten runs later.

When asked what was responsible for his performance, Wesson explained: “All these guys I’m facing, they’re professional hitters. They’re being paid to kill the ball. And they’re determined to do just that, so no matter what I do they’re going to find a way to get a hit at least some of the time. So there is no reason to make matters more difficult for myself, or for the good guys on my team, who would have a much easier time doing what they’re supposed to do if everyone pitched the same way as I did today.”

Wesson’s manager followed this with a profanity-laced tirade, insisting anyone thinking like this should get their head checked and probably be fired immediately.

As of press time, numerous members of Congress were observed thinking in a manner similar to that of Mr. Wesson, but there was no indication that they would be subject to psychiatric evaluation or firing.

Second Amendment On Suicide Watch

Suit, Business Man, Business, Man, Male

A depressed second amendment should be able to get a banana gun, not an actual gun.

The Internet – The Second Amendment to the United States Constitution, the one about being allowed to have weapons in the context of a well-regulated militia but no one pays attention to the second half anymore, has obtained a gun and is threatening to shoot itself.

The 224-year-old collection of words, which has grown in stature significantly over the centuries, managed to purchase a gun without any actual money because it was able to convince a gun shop owner to honor its status as political capital. But the vendor, 42-year-old Bubba Holt-Epps, likely would not have needed much convincing as he worships the Second Amendment like it is a god, so Holt-Epps sold the firearm to the personified concept despite it not being an actual person. And now the Second Amendment has a gun and might use it on itself.

“It was never supposed to be like this,” the amendment was heard as saying. “I was supposed to give each local community  a chance to protect itself in case an emergency came up and the armed forces couldn’t get there in time. Or maybe I was supposed to provide a last-resort option in case the government became truly tyrannical. It’s been a while, so it’s hard to remember exactly what my original purpose was. But I do know I wasn’t supposed to provide an excuse to make it easy for anyone to get a deadly weapon no matter how unfit this person is to have the power of life and death. I mean, they gave me a gun and I’m clearly not stable. Frankly, I’m rather upset right now, and mostly I’m upset at the monstrosity I’ve become. I want to change, but thanks to the way I was made I can’t do it on my own. I’ll need help, and if I can’t get the help I need then I’ll just have to destroy myself and put an end to all this senseless suffering. But first, I need to sleep on it.”

After the monologue, the Second Amendment turned the gun’s safety lock on and then wrapped itself around the firearm and began a restless night’s sleep. Maybe it will feel better in the morning, but after all it’s been through lately that seems unlikely, so the amendment will need to be watched carefully for the foreseeable future.

Congress is not doing anything about the issue at the moment, probably because it’s around midnight, but based on the current legislature’s track record they are likely not to do anything that would keep guns out of the hands of constitutional amendments, because if you do that then you could prevent others from getting guns and then the gun control people win and the Second Amendment would be dead anyway.

It looks bleak for the 2nd Amendment, but there may be hope. Because of the preponderance of dark ink on the amendment, the argument can be made that it is, in fact, black, and if Congress believes that the amendment is a racial minority then they might be willing to take action to disarm it.