Firearms Industry to Donate 300K Guns, 6 Billion Dollars to USA Public Schools


Child School Girl Children Education Eleme

Why is she not excited about this news?


For those of you who were worrying about the potentially crippling costs involved with improving school security to defend against shootings, worry no more. The knight in sleek black armor known as the firearms industry has stepped up and donated billions of dollars and hundreds of thousands of guns to keep schools safe without cutting into the educational budget.

Training security guards to handle firearms, especially when many of these guards had previously been required to do nothing more dangerous than breaking up fist fights between twelve-year-olds, is an expensive undertaking. It’s hard to tell how much the expenses would be, between training and insurance and the guards demanding more money for their fancy new skill, but these expenses are significant. Not so significant, however, that throwing 6 billion dollars at the issue won’t take care of it for at least almost a year. And since the firearms industry, unlike the education industry, has billions of dollars in profits, the NRA and the companies it represents have willingly parted with 6 billion dollars. For the sake of the children.

Additionally, in order to remove skepticism in anyone who may doubt the ethical motives of the gun industry, several major gun companies have agreed to donate three hundred thousand firearms to the public school system so the schools don’t have to pay for the guns themselves. Smith & Wesson, Remington, Ruger, Glock, Sig Sauer, and a few other brands which are known for manufacturing death machines all signed on to give their products away without even taking the time to make sure they will get a solid tax break for this. Because such an action had to be done, out of the goodness of their hearts, to protect the children.

NRA leader Wayne LaPierre, who is not a terrible person if you just get to the Merriam-Webster headquarters and make them change the definition of “terrible,” briefly spoke with Huzzah News to clarify his reasoning for coordinating with firearms companies to make these donations. According to LaPierre, “People are always saying the NRA and all the gun people are greedy, but they couldn’t be more wrong. We have always been in the business of helping people stay safe, not making money at every opportunity, no matter what the facts seem to tell you. And like I’ve always said, the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good chunk of money going to improve the American school system. And I happen to believe the best way to improve American schools is by having more guns in them.”

Huzzah News was unfortunately unable to ask any follow-up questions because visitors are only allowed to stay very briefly in Huzzah News Headquarters, but the message is clear: According to the words in this article, the NRA is now extremely generous and there is no need to worry about budget cuts elsewhere to pay for increased security.

If the words in this article are less than 100% accurate, then maybe there is some reason to panic.

Second Amendment On Suicide Watch

Suit, Business Man, Business, Man, Male

A depressed second amendment should be able to get a banana gun, not an actual gun.

The Internet – The Second Amendment to the United States Constitution, the one about being allowed to have weapons in the context of a well-regulated militia but no one pays attention to the second half anymore, has obtained a gun and is threatening to shoot itself.

The 224-year-old collection of words, which has grown in stature significantly over the centuries, managed to purchase a gun without any actual money because it was able to convince a gun shop owner to honor its status as political capital. But the vendor, 42-year-old Bubba Holt-Epps, likely would not have needed much convincing as he worships the Second Amendment like it is a god, so Holt-Epps sold the firearm to the personified concept despite it not being an actual person. And now the Second Amendment has a gun and might use it on itself.

“It was never supposed to be like this,” the amendment was heard as saying. “I was supposed to give each local community  a chance to protect itself in case an emergency came up and the armed forces couldn’t get there in time. Or maybe I was supposed to provide a last-resort option in case the government became truly tyrannical. It’s been a while, so it’s hard to remember exactly what my original purpose was. But I do know I wasn’t supposed to provide an excuse to make it easy for anyone to get a deadly weapon no matter how unfit this person is to have the power of life and death. I mean, they gave me a gun and I’m clearly not stable. Frankly, I’m rather upset right now, and mostly I’m upset at the monstrosity I’ve become. I want to change, but thanks to the way I was made I can’t do it on my own. I’ll need help, and if I can’t get the help I need then I’ll just have to destroy myself and put an end to all this senseless suffering. But first, I need to sleep on it.”

After the monologue, the Second Amendment turned the gun’s safety lock on and then wrapped itself around the firearm and began a restless night’s sleep. Maybe it will feel better in the morning, but after all it’s been through lately that seems unlikely, so the amendment will need to be watched carefully for the foreseeable future.

Congress is not doing anything about the issue at the moment, probably because it’s around midnight, but based on the current legislature’s track record they are likely not to do anything that would keep guns out of the hands of constitutional amendments, because if you do that then you could prevent others from getting guns and then the gun control people win and the Second Amendment would be dead anyway.

It looks bleak for the 2nd Amendment, but there may be hope. Because of the preponderance of dark ink on the amendment, the argument can be made that it is, in fact, black, and if Congress believes that the amendment is a racial minority then they might be willing to take action to disarm it.