Tennessee Teenager in Trouble For Witchcraft

A high school junior from Nashville, Tennessee is in hot water after shouting the killing curse at his Spanish teacher on the first day of school. He has not only been suspended indefinitely, but he has also been charged with attempted murder.

The student, whose name has been withheld because he is a minor, is being charged as an adult for his crime even though the alleged target does not want the child to be arrested. Ms. Linda Davis, 41, could not be reached for further comment, but according to law enforcement she is not cooperating with the investigation.

According to sources who were there at the time, the class was reviewing some grammatical topics covered last year, and Ms. Davis asked her student to tell her the first person singular form of mirar, which means to look, in the simple past tense. The student said mirĂ³, which is incorrect, so Ms. Davis told this student he’d be losing a participation point, which is worth about one percent of one percent of his final grade.

Apparently unhappy with being punished for misremembering a verb conjugation so early in the year, the student picked up his pen and shouted “avada kedavra,” which is known as the killing curse. Ms. Davis was unharmed, possibly since she picked up her own pen and shouted “expelliarmus,” after which the student lurched back as if thrown by magical force and almost the entire class laughed for about three seconds before getting back to the lesson.

Not everyone was laughing, however, and one student told the principal after class, who in turn told the superintendent, and the superintendent was not laughing. Witchcraft is no laughing matter. Even the suspicion of witchcraft has cost lives in the past, and the way things are going it could easily happen again. And when it is violent witchcraft instead of the more mischievous variety, then it could be met with the full force of the law. Which is currently no force at all, as long as judges are not totally incompetent, but sometimes they are.

Not only is the student in trouble for this incident, but Ms. Davis has been put on administrative leave due to her own apparent use of witchcraft. Even though it is believed her quick thinking saved her from certain death, the seven-volume spellbook disguised as a young adult fantasy series is not to be allowed in this school district under any circumstances. A good guy with Harry Potter could stop a bad guy with Harry Potter, but more likely they will make a mistake and turn innocent bystanders into frogs or worse. The risks far outweigh the potential benefits. If a teacher wants to defend against witchcraft, it may not be done with witchcraft.

It will have to be done with guns.

#Slexit Movement Gains Momentum at Hogwarts

Wizard, Man, Magic, Beard, Sorcerer

The Internet – Inspired by Great Britain’s decision to leave the European Union, Slytherin House is making a push to leave the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and it appears that if the school allows them to leave then they will do so. This is a matter of deep contention for the proud wizarding school, so much so that it is unlikely to be mentioned on Pottermore unless the #slexit is final, but nonetheless it looks like Slytherin intends to leave.

According to Pureblood McNasty, which is the code name of one of the current prefects for Slytherin, the residence in question never really fit in with the others in Hogwarts. While the others tended toward the egalitarian and an aversion to the dark arts, Slytherin had always been the opposite. By that logic, Slytherin never really belonged in Hogwarts any more than the Dallas Cowboys belong in the NFL East. Neglecting to explain his surprising knowledge of American Football, McNasty continued by saying “Slytherin would be more at home at a school like Durmstrang, which shares a lot of our values and isn’t full of mudbloods. Or we could just break off entirely and make our own school of power-centered wizardry, as long as we’re not held back by all these goody two-shoes over here.”

The current headmaster of Hogwarts, who wouldn’t provide a name to muggle reporters but seems not to be Harry Potter, said Slytherin House could say what it wants but it is an important part of the school because early exposure to budding wizards of all sorts of backgrounds, even the ones who might be considered to be “a bad sort,” is an important part of education. Additionally, it’s better for kids who are sorted into Slytherin to be around as diverse of a population as possible so they have a better chance of really getting to know who they are rather than mindlessly going along the path which seemed to be chosen for them at birth.

Not-Harry-Potter’s explanation was paraphrased, as the actual speech was much longer and peppered with fancy wizard-talk which we didn’t bother to write down and wouldn’t have understood if we did. We did, however, understand the increasing tensions within the room, and got out of there before the argument switched to the magical variety.