Flat Earth Missionaries Almost Sail Off Edge

The Internet – A group of missionaries representing the Flat Earth Society nearly met its doom yesterday when heavy winds almost pushed their boat off the furthermost reaches of the West Pacific, but the Earth miraculously extended by at least a hundred miles in order to save this ship of truth-tellers.

The mission, which didn’t include famous flat-earthers Shaquille O’Neal and Kyrie Irving in case the ship went too far and the planetary borders didn’t move to save the missionaries, left the San Francisco Bay on May 7th for the Hawaiian island of Kauai. ┬áThe purpose of the mission was to warn the natives about the dangers of sailing west, in case they thought that those who sailed westward and hadn’t returned merely moved to another island instead of falling into outer space.

The missionaries could have chartered a plane thanks to celebrity funding, but they couldn’t make that choice due to fear. Because visibility can be limited in the cloudy skies, a plane moving 500 miles per hour could easily have gone from the West Pacific troposphere to the killer vacuum of outer space before the pilots had a chance to react. Therefore, they chose to sail a boat which traveled about 300 miles per day, which seemed like a safe option until the winds came.

When the winds came, the missionary ship had already passed Maui, Oahu, and Hawaii, and the shores of Kauai were in sight. Then heavy winds pushed the ship past its destination, past the private island of Niihau, and at least fifty miles past what should have been the edge of the world. But thanks to what must have been fast and drastic divine intervention, and definitely not due to the Earth not being flat, the ship survived the winds, paving the way for its passengers to complete their mission.

This mission is expected to be successful, as the residents of Kauai are certain to believe the Earth was expanded in order to allow the missionaries to live and preach, and the flat-earthers are not going to be mocked at all. Because everybody knows that everything which seems like overwhelming evidence of a round Earth is fake news.