Congress Recruits Phil Jackson to Fix Health Care

Phil Jackson, the legendary coach for the Bulls and Lakers and unforgettable team executive for the New York Knicks, found a new job the same day he lost his old one. He will now bring his unique, if somewhat muddled, vision to try to fix another disappointing institution: the American health care industry.

The timing was apparently perfect, with the Senate giving up on passing its most recent health care bill at about the same time the Knicks gave up on Phil Jackson. And despite being rejected by the team where he won his first NBA championship, Mr. Jackson dusted himself right off and got to work on trying to design a winning health care strategy for the American people.

Within an hour of accepting the job, Mr. Jackson rolled out the basics of his health care strategy. It would be a triangle system, called the Triangle Defense because of the defense it would provide against threats to Americans’ well-being. The triangle consists of physical health, mental health, and staying off private property which you do not own and were not invited into.

According to Mr. Jackson, as long as he is in charge of health care strategy this system must be implemented, no matter who objects against it. The amount of money being made by the complaining doctor is irrelevant, as is the amount of replicas sold of that whiny doctor’s scrubs or lab coat. All health care legislation consulted on by Mr. Jackson must cover all three facets of the triangle for all patients, although he did concede the triangle does not need to be equilateral so perhaps the last point doesn’t require as much focus as the others.

This preliminary health plan is not without its critics, as many are saying Phil Jackson seems overly concerned with keeping kids off his lawn, especially since the lawn which Phil Jackson wanted a 33-year-old, six-foot-eight kid to leave is no longer Phil Jackson’s lawn. The plan has also been blasted for failing to address how this health care plan would be paid for, but such criticisms were shrugged off. Mr. Jackson countered by saying “If the talent is good enough, it doesn’t matter how much money we have. All we need is a doctor with Michael Jordan’s skills helping with physical health, and a Pippen-level doctor for mental health, and then a Shaq-type doctor for safety counseling or whatever you want to call it, and have that in hospitals and such throughout the country, and we will make America healthy again.”

Mr. Jackson signed a five-year contract for an undisclosed sum, and assured the public they should temper their expectations and not anticipate any tangible improvements for at least two years. And the U.S. Sicks will struggle for even longer if the midterm elections do not lead to a significant shake-up in Congressional makeup.