Tennessee Teenager in Trouble For Witchcraft

A high school junior from Nashville, Tennessee is in hot water after shouting the killing curse at his Spanish teacher on the first day of school. He has not only been suspended indefinitely, but he has also been charged with attempted murder.

The student, whose name has been withheld because he is a minor, is being charged as an adult for his crime even though the alleged target does not want the child to be arrested. Ms. Linda Davis, 41, could not be reached for further comment, but according to law enforcement she is not cooperating with the investigation.

According to sources who were there at the time, the class was reviewing some grammatical topics covered last year, and Ms. Davis asked her student to tell her the first person singular form of mirar, which means to look, in the simple past tense. The student said mir√≥, which is incorrect, so Ms. Davis told this student he’d be losing a participation point, which is worth about one percent of one percent of his final grade.

Apparently unhappy with being punished for misremembering a verb conjugation so early in the year, the student picked up his pen and shouted “avada kedavra,” which is known as the killing curse. Ms. Davis was unharmed, possibly since she picked up her own pen and shouted “expelliarmus,” after which the student lurched back as if thrown by magical force and almost the entire class laughed for about three seconds before getting back to the lesson.

Not everyone was laughing, however, and one student told the principal after class, who in turn told the superintendent, and the superintendent was not laughing. Witchcraft is no laughing matter. Even the suspicion of witchcraft has cost lives in the past, and the way things are going it could easily happen again. And when it is violent witchcraft instead of the more mischievous variety, then it could be met with the full force of the law. Which is currently no force at all, as long as judges are not totally incompetent, but sometimes they are.

Not only is the student in trouble for this incident, but Ms. Davis has been put on administrative leave due to her own apparent use of witchcraft. Even though it is believed her quick thinking saved her from certain death, the seven-volume spellbook disguised as a young adult fantasy series is not to be allowed in this school district under any circumstances. A good guy with Harry Potter could stop a bad guy with Harry Potter, but more likely they will make a mistake and turn innocent bystanders into frogs or worse. The risks far outweigh the potential benefits. If a teacher wants to defend against witchcraft, it may not be done with witchcraft.

It will have to be done with guns.

Copypasta Couple Caught Eating Actual Pasta

Robert and Anna Dobalina, the popular Instagram couple known for their exotic travel photos and their diet consisting of only kale smoothies and copypasta, lost most of their 12 million followers overnight after being spotted at an Olive Garden guzzling bowls of spaghetti with meat sauce. They have since deleted their account.

The Dobalinas made their living primarily by endorsing food they claimed not to eat. A post from several weeks ago had them posing in front of the Olive Garden and writing:

We don’t eat here because we are satisfied with our smoothies and copypasta, but back before we reached nutritional nirvana we loved their breadsticks and pasta bowls. #foodporn #almosthungry #wewerefamily¬† #vegan# undergroundkaleroad #weescapedfoodslaverysoyoudonothaveto #longhashtagshaha #sendusyourmemes #weneedcopypasta.

Many Instagram users, who believed the Dobalinas were honest and authentic people, were crushed to find out they ate regular pasta and not just copypasta. One user, who asked to remain anonymous due to embarrassment, said she knew writing a bunch of words saying cancer is bad doesn’t cure cancer or tell anyone anything they don’t know. She knows that tomorrow isn’t eternally the day which Facebook switches to the new rule where they can use your photos unless you say they can’t. And yet she would keep posting those sorts of things, making herself seem like a gullible fool, in order to help support her favorite young influencers.

And now the Dobalinas have influenced her, and many others, to lose a little more faith in humanity.

Hashtag sad.

 

Trump Tries To Learn Chess

When Donald Trump makes a seemingly ridiculous statement, or takes a particularly unconventional course of action, his supporters often claim that he is playing 4-D chess. However, to be able to make the sort of moves which would be described as 4-D chess, one would think a person knows how to play regular chess. But can the president play chess?

Heck no he doesn’t play chess! Is there any game more antithetical to the president’s personality than chess? It requires intelligence, and patience, and planning skills, and being able to understand the thought processes of others, and it requires following all of the rules. It is not a very social game, and it rarely gives its players fame or a lot of money or the perks that comes with those two things. He’d much rather golf, so he does.

However, golfing on planes is impossible, so on his way to recent photo ops related to horrible tragedies, one of his staffers convinced the President to try to play chess.

This went poorly.

At the beginning of the game, Mr. Trump tried to give away all of his pawns, saying he liked strong pieces and not these weak little ones that weren’t important and could only move a little bit at a time. Later on, he tried to use his pawns to build a wall around the king, and was upset when told he could not move them sideways or backwards and there would be no wall.

When he first learned about the queen’s diagonal movement, the president was pleased, likening it to “Crooked Hillary.” However, he became less pleased when he found out the queen was the most powerful piece on the board. This led him to place his queen directly in front of an opposing rook so he could “lock her up.”

The president also had trouble with the rule about the king only being allowed to move one space. He said the king was the most important one there and should be able to go wherever he wanted to. He could even go to El Paso even though the community specifically asked him not to come, so why wasn’t he allowed to move where he wanted to? No one told Trump he wasn’t the king.

Unsurprisingly, the president insisted on playing the white side, and made many disparaging remarks about the other pieces. He said his staffer’s pieces were muslims and were banned from going to the president’s side of the board. He said they were illegal immigrants and needed to be deported, and he tried to make his pawns fly around the board like they were ICE agents. Things were said which cannot be printed here, but those things did not offend his staffers because if they were offended by such things they would not work for Trump at this point.

Eventually, the president’s king had no way to avoid being taken, but Trump would not admit defeat. He said he was “treated very unfairly” and that that the staffer’s strategy was “not nice” and “Chairman Kim would never have done that.” The president then told the staffer that he was fired and asked another staffer for a cheeseberder.