The Internet – Santa Claus has a reputation as a jolly, happy-go-lucky person, but as a group of enthusiastic singers learned yesterday afternoon, when Christmas draws near Santa gets serious. And if you bother him, you will get arrested.
Mr. Kringle made an effort to honor the Christmas spirit by not taking anyone to court, but in this case being good turned out to be a bad idea. Nicely telling the gathered vocalists to get off of his lane was met with no response, probably because the foolish mortals were singing so loudly they could not hear any words spoken at a civil volume.
Santa Claus would not talk to TotesRealNews, as he was busy, and also because he lost his voice screaming at his deranged fans. According to one such fan, Santa yelled:
“I’m not going to deliver gifts right now, you nincompoops! It’s December fifteenth! Just because your radio stations down south, where you should be, think it’s Christmas already doesn’t mean it is! I mean, are you people serious? You have to realize with millions and millions of kids to deliver to, I have to have a bunch of factories and not just a quaint little workshop, right? Maybe I’m closer to magical than you are, but I still have to follow at least some of the laws of physics, especially when they’re not being temporarily suspended for Christmas Eve, which right now is definitely not! It’s stressful enough seeing suffering in the world which I can’t do anything about; I don’t need distractions keeping me from doing what I can help with!
“But since you’ve already distracted me, I need to yell at you more so my blood pressure doesn’t reach dangerous levels even for an immortal such as myself. Of course I was riding down Santa Claus Lane! It’s where I live! That’s why it’s named after me! If I were riding down Broadway today that would be noteworthy, but not worth singing a happy song about because it would mean I quit Santa-ing and nobody’s getting any presents unless the kids’ parents buy them, which as we all know isn’t going to happen! Which is why I need to get down Santa Claus Lane, without all of you in my way, and do my job!”
After the tirade, the North Pole Police were at high alert, and they arrested the singers for trespassing. Then the “Here Comes Santa Claus” singers went to SantaCourt, where Kangaroo the Elf declared them all guilty and sentenced them to the same punishment meted out to all trespassers: deportation via the SantaBoat. But this would have to wait until after Christmas, since everyone at the North Pole was busy.
At least everyone was busy except for the singers, who apparently had nothing better to do than go to Santa Claus Lane and sing about it in the middle of December.
*Editor’s note: What was once called “TotesRealNews” is now “SuchRealNews.” The news is just as real as it always was, and where it says “Totesreal” in the text this can be mentally replaced with “suchreal” or “veryreal” or left as it is. But due to the high journalistic integrity of SuchRealNews, and definitely not laziness, all references to the previous name within articles will remain unchanged.