Trump Campaign Hit By Truth Explosion

Bomb, Explosive, Detonation, Fuze, Fuse

The truth bomb looks like this, except it’s metaphorical. This makes as much sense as the 2016 campaign.

The Internet – On the day before what many people are saying is among the most important elections in American history, a massive truth bomb has struck the Trump campaign, not actually touching Donald Trump but scattering throughout the country, allowing millions of people to gain a sufficient understanding of the issues that their understanding approximates actual reality.

Thanks to this truth bomb, the vast majority of Americans now understand how much Hillary Clinton’s emails were blown out of proportion. While it is true that she may have demonstrated less than perfect security protocol by keeping them on a private server, now the people realize that multiple previous high-level government officials did the same thing, often deleting larger quantities of emails, and all of those people are not in prison. Additionally, this truth bomb has led people to understand that while these emails may have shown morally shady strategies by Democratic operatives, being shady is basically part of the job description and if Republican emails were hacked then the information found would likely be at least as bad. People know all this now, thanks to the truth bomb.

People are also coming to realize, thanks to this explosion of truth, that Bill Clinton is not running for president. Therefore, even if Bill Clinton’s indiscretions and predatory tendencies were as bad as or worse than what Trump has admitted to, it wouldn’t matter because Donald Trump is running for president and Bill Clinton is not. On a related note, they realize that what Donald Trump admitted to doing is not okay, even if they “let him do it”, as acquiescence does not equal consent. The people now understand that the women who Donald Trump thrust himself upon most likely allowed him to do so because they knew they could not with a physical struggle and/or they were afraid of how he might hurt them and their families if they refused, not because they welcomed his advances.

The people, thanks to this truth explosion, now have a better understanding of the Benghazi incident and why it should not have an impact on voting decisions. They know that the Secretary of State does not control the purse strings of the United States, and they know it was ultimately up to Congress to provide the increased security which might have saved the four diplomats’ lives. As this is an extraordinarily detailed truth bomb, the people also understand that it is sometimes important not to accuse organized terrorist groups of involvement in atrocities without definitive proof of their involvement because of the potential political consequences of doing so.

Additionally, the truth bomb spread the knowledge that Hillary Clinton’s pro-choice stance is not part of a conspiracy to murder babies for the sole purpose of enriching Planned Parenthood. Now people understand that adoption can be a difficult process, so for many unplanned pregnancies the only options once the baby is born are to try to raise it alone without being financially and/or emotionally prepared to do so, or to send the child into a notoriously unreliable foster care system. People also understand that while an unborn child is technically alive before a heartbeat can be detected, for much of the pregnancy it is less self-aware than many, many living things which society has no qualms about killing for the sake of convenience for humanity. They also understand that the idea Hillary Clinton would support a late-term abortion when both mother and child can reasonably be saved is based on dishonest hysteria rather than actual facts.

The truth bomb also led the vast majority to understand that the US government should not be run exactly like a business, which makes Donald Trump’s experience less relevant, and they also realize his business experience can be described as “bad experience.” They realize that maybe the countless people accusing Trump’s companies of refusing to pay them aren’t all lying. They also realize that losing enough money on business ventures to not pay any federal taxes for decades is not a sign of a “smart businessman” but of a terrible one with great accountants.

The people also finally understand that while Hillary Clinton may represent the status quo in Washington D.C., and the status quo is far from perfect, electing a morally bankrupt aspiring dictator is not a favorable alternative. They understand that if an NBA team loses most of their basketball games, replacing the team with a bunch of out-of-shape AARP members might decrease the amount of missed shots and offensive rebounds allowed, but the team will be even less competitive than they had been beforehand. And thanks to this truth bomb, and its inclusion of this basketball analogy which everyone understands, the vast majority of people realize that despite all the talk of making America great again, a Trump presidency is actually likely to make America significantly less great.

This truth bomb has finally gotten through to the vast majority of American people when all previous attempts to appeal to logic and reason have failed, and the people will totally vote accordingly on November 8th.

GOP Nominee Renames Self German Cain

 

German, Germany, Board, School

German Cain doesn’t, except for a few words

The Internet – In an attempt not to further sully his personal brand with outlandish and possibly illegal statements, the man who received the presidential nomination for one of the two largest political parties in the United States of America is no longer referring to himself by his actual name. Not when it comes to running for president. Henceforth, he shall be called German Cain, and through this change he plans to prevent his political persona from affecting his success in the business world.

German Cain still wants to make America great, whatever that actually means, but the name change also means adopting another catchphrase which was popular for a brief period approximately four years ago, and he plans to use it as the answer to multiple questions.

  • Will Hillary Clinton make a better president than German Cain? Nein! Nein! Nein!
  • ¬†Should Muslims be allowed to move to America before he figures some things out, things he has no plans of ever figuring out? Nein! Nein! Nein!
  • And finally, was he encouraging violence against a fellow presidential candidate, when the context suggested no other remotely reasonable meaning? Nein! Nein! Nein!

His policies still include the concept that if you are in America you speak English, but since German Cain embodies America then if he makes a habit of shouting “nein” repeatedly, then “nein” is an English word.

As German Cain, he wants the public to know that his success in the private sector includes the longtime running of a pizza business. Specifically, the pizza ass parade that is the Ms. Universe pageant. Which he no longer is affiliated with due to remarks made at the start of the campaign, but he does not want the public to know that.

As a final announcement associated with the political name change, German Cain declared he could shoot a political rival in the middle of Fifth Avenue, and then ask if he was his political rival’s keeper and say it never happened, and he still wouldn’t lose any votes. Not that he would do it of course, but he could.

When a random sample of passersby on the street was asked if they would support German Cain for president, this was initially met with bewilderment. But after a brief explanation, none of them said “Nein! Nein! Nein!” Many said “no,” often preceded by an expletive, but nobody said “no” in German, so the candidate still believes his approval ratings to be as high as the wall which he is still totally going to build.

And if Mexico doesn’t pay for it, Uzbeki-beki-bekistan will.

 

Research Allergy Discovered, Sufferers Refuse Treatment

Owl, Bird, Book, Wise, Nature, Character

People with research allergies might think this owl discovered research allergies

 

The Internet – According to recent discoveries in the medical science field, the cause behind various gaffes in the Republican National Convention was not pure laziness or incompetence. It turns out many of those involved with the convention, including invited guests, speech writers, and music planners, are afflicted by a highly specific allergy in which any attempt by the brain to conduct research or fact-checking triggers an immune response which attacks the relevant cerebral area, thus shutting down the thought process and preventing successful research. There could be hope for these sufferers, however, due to the extremely recent development of allergy shots addressing this specific problem, but people with research allergies would have to consent to the shots.

So far, nobody who is allergic to research has consented to the shots.

The most common reason cited for this refusal by these people who refuse to cite anything is how well they are currently paid to not do any research. Their various benefactors, which are primarily politically conservative lobby groups, donate generously to their political careers in exchange for blind support of the lobby’s cause. If the research allergy was cured, there could be a possibility of increased understanding leading to switching positions from the approved one to a less profitable one, and the people questioned didn’t want to know how terrible that could be.

Others expressed a reluctance to be able to research because of an unwillingness to be anything like Hillary Clinton. Clinton, they said, seemed like the sort of person who would do a lot of research before she decided anything, although they couldn’t be sure because their allergies would not allow them to have fact-based certainty regarding anything. But still, they had strong faith that Hillary Clinton does a lot of research, and an even stronger belief they didn’t want to be anything like her, so they chose to take a pass on treatment.

Others did not want the shots because they oppose anything resembling vaccinations. Some were afraid the shots would give them autism, others feared autism being passed on to their future children, and still others were afraid that using a needle to cure a research allergy would give autism to their already-born children. Unsurprisingly, none were interested in hearing why their fears were unfounded.

As research allergies are not physically contagious, those who don’t want shots, which includes all of those with the allergies, do not have to get shots. However, elected officials with research allergies could be in danger of losing re-election bids due to their stubborn ignorance, but only if the majority of the electorate does not share these allergies.

 

Trump Names Clinton as Veep Pick

Trump, Facade, Identity, Question

 

The Internet – Donald Trump has chosen his vice presidential pick a full day ahead of schedule, and he has chosen Hillary Clinton. This is seen as a controversial choice, as Ms. Clinton is a Democrat and also Donald Trump’s presumptive opponent in the general election, but Mr. Trump defended his choice in the press release reproduced below:

I am proud to introduce Secretary Clinton as my running mate for the upcoming election. This will not be a traditional partnership, as she will not be joining me on the campaign trail because she will be running her own crooked campaign instead, but she is still the best choice for my vice president for several reasons.

The first reason is to provide balance on the ticket. The Republican Party is the Party of Lincoln, and Lincoln taught us the importance of picking someone very different in order to appeal to as many voters as possible. By choosing a woman with mostly liberal policies and Southern roots and a background of strong religious faith as well as demonstrated respect for actual facts, this should help our ticket cover almost all of the voting demographics. This will be especially effective in getting the votes of independent voters who want a conservative ticket, but not an insanely conservative ticket.

Additionally, our campaign decided to make this choice to show how my supporters are the best supporters, who will support me no matter what. I’ve already said I could commit a capital offense in plain sight and they’d vote for me, and I still believe that to be true. However, I cannot do such a thing, since even with the best lawyers I would still probably have a tough time campaigning from prison. But what I can do is show that my supporters are so great that they will vote for me even if I pick Crooked Hillary as my vice president. And they are the greatest, so even putting Crooked Hillary on the ticket won’t stop any of them from voting for me.

Finally, I have made this decision to keep me motivated to continue performing my job as president. After all, being president is hard work, and far less profitable than running for president, so if my vice president was a fellow conservative then when the going got tough, it would be tough not to get going back to the hotel business. But if quitting means Crooked Hillary becomes president, I promise you I would never, ever do that. I swear on my record of integrity as a businessman and political candidate that once I am president and she is vice president, I will do everything in my power to make sure it stays that way.

Thank you, and God – who, by the way, I have a great personal relationship with – bless America.

When reached for comment on this decision, Secretary Clinton shook her head and laughed, and then said she was going to take a short break from campaigning to go furniture shopping.

Hillary Clinton, Accidental Matchmaker

Wood, Wood Art, Wood Carving

 

The Internet – Love is in the air, sometimes, and even when it isn’t, people still find excuses to get together. And lately, more and more people are being inspired by Hillary Clinton to find those excuses.

One such person is 27-year-old Stephanie Kellerman, who had a mediocre first date which likely would have gone nowhere, but thanks to Ms. Clinton, Ms. Kellerman is planning to move in with 29-year-old Benjamin Janikowski. According to Ms. Kellerman, “Ben, when I met him, was meh at best. We ate at what he said was an established Italian restaurant, and it was a Ray’s Pizza, and he said he was running short on cash so we had to split the bill. He also did this weird thing where he would take some of the cheese off his pizza and roll it into a ball and eat the whole giant cheeseball at once and I was a little worried he was going to choke to death. He also talked with his mouth full, and mostly talked about himself.”

In any year before 2016, Ms. Kellerman claims she would not have even spent the whole meal sitting at the same table as Mr. Janikowski, but the presidential campaign made her reconsider. Just as Donald Trump makes it easier to settle for Hillary Clinton despite the question marks and reports of dangerously careless behavior, the possibility others would be significantly worse makes it easier to settle for Ben. After all, he didn’t show any sign of actively trying to make her life worse, and during the brief moments he wasn’t totally wrapped up in himself he did seem like he cared about her a little bit. If she doesn’t settle, as the election is teaching her, she could end up with worse. Much worse. And it’s too much trouble to find someone who is likely to make her very happy, so she’s holding her nose and sticking with Ben and hoping there won’t be anything problematic about him besides what she already knows about.

So they’re probably getting married, maybe not for a long time, but they can expect four to eight years of a maybe-not-totally-disastrous partnership. Perhaps there would have been better options for both of them, but there could be worse ones as well, and the worse options have to be avoided at all costs.

Even if the cost is as high as a Kellerman-Janikowski marriage. Or a Hillary Clinton presidency.