Mitch McConnell Dumped by Turtle Society

Turtle, Tortoise, Animal, Cartoon, Zoo

No matter what he looks like, Mitch McConnell is not a turtle anymore

The Turtle Appreciation Association sent shock waves through the world of turtle fandom this morning by stripping Senator Mitch McConnell of his “honorary turtle” status after a mere four hours of deliberation.

The Turtle Appreciation Association is one of the largest turtle fan clubs in the world, and is notable for its appreciation not only of real-life turtles, but fictional turtles and humans with turtle-like attributes. According to the association’s website, its official favorite Dr. Seuss book is Yertle the Turtle. The TAA does not care for Charlie Bucket or Matilda, instead stocking its bookshelves with several copies of Esio Trot. The office is decorated not only with dozens of figurines and posters from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles franchise, but also with prints of works by the artists the Turtles were named after. The official favorite singer of the TAA is Howard Kaylan, the favorite Civil War general is George McClellan, and the favorite politician was Mitch McConnell.

Not anymore.

Mr. McConnell has been officially declared a non-turtle, and all pictures of the senator which had been in the possession of the TAA have been incinerated, burned to virtual nothingness like the financial security of millions of Americans negatively impacted by the recent tax bill. The “Rules of Turtle Club” now contain instructions not to talk about Mitch McConnell, as he is too much of a disgrace to turtledom for his name to even be mentioned.

Kenneth “Hardshell” Bennett, official spokesperson for the TAA, released a short statement explaining why Senator McConnell has been de-turtled.

For a long time, Senator Mitch McConnell had been a source of pride for turtle-lovers everywhere. Granted, we often disagreed with his politics, but any disagreements were overshadowed by the fact that he, as a human turtle, had been able to ascend to a position of great power and influence. He showed that turtles could not only outlast rabbits, but they could successfully battle with lions. However, his recent actions regarding the tax reform bill, in which he rushed the legislation through the Senate so quickly that most legislators hardly had any chance to read it and figure out what they were voting on, was unforgivably dissimilar to how a turtle should behave. Coupled with the fact that this legislation could make it more difficult for most prospective turtle owners to purchase and care for domesticated turtles and will most likely slash funding for preserving the environments of wild turtles, extreme action must be taken. Therefore, by the power invested in me by the Great God Om who is a turtle and also a god in Discworld—this is a real thing you can Google it—I hereby strip Senator Mitch McConnell of his turtlehood, now and forever. This matter is final, and shall not be spoken of again.

Mitch McConnell did not respond to requests for comment on the matter, and likely would not have responded even if such requests were made. He was not contacted because there is no need to listen to excuses for the inexcusable.

Congress Recruits Phil Jackson to Fix Health Care

Phil Jackson, the legendary coach for the Bulls and Lakers and unforgettable team executive for the New York Knicks, found a new job the same day he lost his old one. He will now bring his unique, if somewhat muddled, vision to try to fix another disappointing institution: the American health care industry.

The timing was apparently perfect, with the Senate giving up on passing its most recent health care bill at about the same time the Knicks gave up on Phil Jackson. And despite being rejected by the team where he won his first NBA championship, Mr. Jackson dusted himself right off and got to work on trying to design a winning health care strategy for the American people.

Within an hour of accepting the job, Mr. Jackson rolled out the basics of his health care strategy. It would be a triangle system, called the Triangle Defense because of the defense it would provide against threats to Americans’ well-being. The triangle consists of physical health, mental health, and staying off private property which you do not own and were not invited into.

According to Mr. Jackson, as long as he is in charge of health care strategy this system must be implemented, no matter who objects against it. The amount of money being made by the complaining doctor is irrelevant, as is the amount of replicas sold of that whiny doctor’s scrubs or lab coat. All health care legislation consulted on by Mr. Jackson must cover all three facets of the triangle for all patients, although he did concede the triangle does not need to be equilateral so perhaps the last point doesn’t require as much focus as the others.

This preliminary health plan is not without its critics, as many are saying Phil Jackson seems overly concerned with keeping kids off his lawn, especially since the lawn which Phil Jackson wanted a 33-year-old, six-foot-eight kid to leave is no longer Phil Jackson’s lawn. The plan has also been blasted for failing to address how this health care plan would be paid for, but such criticisms were shrugged off. Mr. Jackson countered by saying “If the talent is good enough, it doesn’t matter how much money we have. All we need is a doctor with Michael Jordan’s skills helping with physical health, and a Pippen-level doctor for mental health, and then a Shaq-type doctor for safety counseling or whatever you want to call it, and have that in hospitals and such throughout the country, and we will make America healthy again.”

Mr. Jackson signed a five-year contract for an undisclosed sum, and assured the public they should temper their expectations and not anticipate any tangible improvements for at least two years. And the U.S. Sicks will struggle for even longer if the midterm elections do not lead to a significant shake-up in Congressional makeup.

Babadook Leaves Closet, Writes New Book

The infamous villain known as the Babadook, who was recently outed as a gay monster, has come to terms with who he is and wrote a new book about it. TotesRealNews was able to get a copy of the text, and while the pictures are not available as of yet we assume at least one of them will look something like this:

Image result for babashook

The Babadook, who may or not be wearing a rainbow hat at the moment, definitely wrote these words as the text to the Babadook book:

The struggle was brutal, the struggle was real
When it came to attraction, women held no appeal
In my family men married women or no one
And no casual dating, our faith could be no fun
But I didn’t question, I swallowed my sadness
And slowly began my descent into madness
As I hid in a hat, with each hand in a glove
Since it seemed Babadook would never find love

And now, before the story continues, here’s another image from the internet which captures the Babadook’s new image:

Image result for babashook

If this was in the book, the picture wouldn’t have the tweet at the bottom. And speaking of the book, the text continues below:

 

My mood didn’t improve as I increased in age
The frustration festered and it turned into rage
My anger was palpable, it flowed through my veins
Corrupting my heart and gall bladder and brains
Gall bladder’s a big part of why I was vile
This medical issue meant an increase in bile
I was filled with bad humors which may have been killin’ me
And they led me straight into a life filled with villainy

Now, here’s a picture of the still-closeted Babadook:

Image result for angry babadook

It was the phase of the Babadook’s life represented above which is described in the Bababook text below:

I made it my mission to make misery spread
I’d pick out a victim and I’d get in their head
I’d stalk and I’d taunt and I’d cause hearts to pound
Life was more exciting when I was around
But their lives weren’t good, and often not long
And I felt no remorse since the hate was so strong
I kept messing lives up while dressing so spiffily
Until very recently when I had an epiphany

Now, another picture from the internet which could be in this book if it doesn’t use new artwork:

Image result for babashook

And the conclusion:

 

If it makes me happy, then there is no harm
To flashier fashion and a man on my arm
I used to hide. Now you all can look.
I’m out and proud. Now get Babashook
I’m no longer evil. I’m in a better place
But I’ll make an exception in one special case
At night I’ll go to bed instead of going bump
But during the day I might scare Donald Trump

Donald Trump could not be reached for comment, because it’s the weekend and he’s probably golfing.

 

Bowser Koopa Pulls Out of Climate Agreement

Bowser “King” Koopa, the notorious megalomaniac and princess-kidnapper, sent shockwaves through the Mushroom Kingdom yesterday when he set fire to his copy of the Climate Control Act of 1985, thus declaring himself no longer bound to the decades-old agreement.

While Mr. Koopa has perpetrated his share of villainy throughout the years, it has always been environmentally conscious villainy. He has frequently used bombs as weapons, but these bombs only affect a small area and cause no noticeable damage after the initial shock of the explosion. The airships which he gave to his children kept emissions to nearly undetectable levels, which was unheard of at the time. And although Mr. Koopa and several of his minions breathe fire, the fire is not accompanied by smoke so the air has remained clean.

Until now.

To those worrying about mushroom clouds in the Mushroom Kingdom, there is no cause for concern. Mr. Koopa cares about his employees—at least the ones he doesn’t place near precipices, on towering treetops, or atop solid clouds despite their inability to stop and turn around at the edge—so the bombs he employs will remain non-nuclear.

One thing which will change is the amount of smoke allowed into the air. Plants which had been engineered to breathe fire will breathe smoke instead, causing some damage to the air but even more damage to Mr. Koopa’s plumber adversaries. These are people who get seriously injured by walking into a slow-moving turtle, even though they are wearing overalls which make it rather difficult for a turtle to bite and break the skin, so breathing in smoke a couple of times could be fatal for Mario and Luigi. Additionally, less eco-friendly airships would not only save Mr. Koopa money, but they would also help those ships achieve their primary purpose, which is destroying plumbers.

Mr. Koopa is undecided about dumping sludge into the water where plumbers might be swimming, since while that would certainly kill his enemies it is likely to kill his minions as well. But he is glad he has this option now that he’s pulled out of the climate agreement, the climate agreement which was terribly unfair because it gave his competition a fighting chance.

He is also unconcerned about potential rising water levels from pollution-induced increased temperatures, since that would increase his chances of killing plumbers via drowning.

Mario and Luigi could not be reached for comment, as they are busy rushing to save the Princess before these toxic deregulations have a chance to take effect.

 

 

Spicer Addresses Alleged Melania Affair

Parts of the internet have been abuzz over the past few days due to Tweets by writer Monica Byrne alleging an affair between Melania Trump and Tiffany’s security chief Hank Siemers. These rumors are considered unsubstantiated by the mainstream media, but since the mainstream media is the #fakenewsmedia their failure to confirm the allegation makes the rumor even stronger.

Due to the increasing strength of this rumor, Press Secretary Sean Spicer held a top-secret press conference this evening to address it. No one from the mainstream media was invited, and recording devices were not permitted. Not even pen and paper. Fortunately for TotesRealNews, one of our reporters has perfect recall abilities so we sent this journalist to the conference to report back on what Mr. Spicer said.

She came back with the whole speech, which is reproduced below:

First of all, I can tell you with absolute certainty that this rumor is an outright lie, and Melania has not been unfaithful to Donald. This allegation…this lie…says Donald knows about it, so if it were true then he would have told me. He tells me everything. You don’t know the things he tells me, except for the things I tell you as part of this job, but there are other things he told me and I haven’t told you and none of those involve Melania knowing Hank Semens, or whatever his name is, in a Biblical sense. The Trumps are not Bible people, and there is no affair going on. Period.

And even if this absolute falsehood has any truth to it, it wouldn’t be cheating if Donald knows about it. Like if I told you I was about to lie and then I said Donald Trump is a horrible president, and please don’t quote me out of context on that one, it wouldn’t be a lie, really, because there was no intent to deceive. And it’s the same thing…it would be the same thing with this so-called dalliance because it’s not…it wouldn’t be cheating if it was happening and she had his permission. He’s got all these important presidential tasks to deal with, so if he outsourced some of the traditional marital duties to another man then that would be smart business strategy adapted for the presidency.

And if this was happening, which like I told you a million times it’s not, it shouldn’t upset anyone because it would just mean they have an open marriage. Open marriage means openness. Hostile media has been complaining for months about how Donald Trump doesn’t want the borders to be as open as left-wing liberals do, and how he’s not as open in dealing with the press as some of his predecessors, and now that there’s a rumor he’s being open in his marriage then suddenly you don’t want him to be open anymore? There’s no winning with you people. I don’t want to hide in the bushes again, but if this unfair treatment persists then I may have no choice.

Summary of speech: it isn’t true, but if it was, it wouldn’t be nearly as bad as you all think it is. Now you don’t have to go anywhere, but I do. Goodbye.

And with that, he left, leaving nothing but a quickly fading Spicey aroma and the memory of a few hundred words, almost all of which are real words, which are now on the internet. Words addressing an important scandal which, if found to be true, might be one of the top fifty most outrageous things involving Donald Trump.

Cavaliers to Clash With Warriors in Epic Game of Hoops

The Cleveland-based alliance called the Cavaliers, led by representatives from House James and House Love and House Irving, is set to battle a similar alliance of Oakland-based houses tonight at 9 PM Eastern Westerosi time. The battles shall number anywhere from four to seven, and the winner shall choose a champion to sit atop the Iron Hoop.

For the duration of the past year, King LeBron James of House James has sat on the Iron Hoop, but not often. Sitting on the Iron Hoop is rather inconvenient for myriad reasons. Firstly, ascent is a challenge, as ten feet separate ground from rim, and it is considered poor form to use ladders or other climbing devices. The climb requires significant strength, as one must first jump and grab the rim and then pull oneself up several feet in order to achieve the sitting position. Once up there, eating is difficult and sleeping more so, and none have ever led a squad to victory while also sitting on the Iron Hoop. Yet no honor is more coveted than the right to sit atop the Hoop, and it is for this honor that the Cavaliers of Cleveland travel to Castle Oracle in order to defend their supremacy against the Warriors of Golden State.

The Warriors, who suffered a narrow and bitter defeat in last year’s quest for the Iron Hoop, may be stronger this year than last. Led by Lord Steph Curry of House Curry, whose father Ser Dell Curry also played the Game of Hoops at a high level although he never touched the Iron Hoop, these Warriors have emerged victorious in thirteen consecutive battles, often against some of the most skilled hoop knights in the world. The primary reason why these Warriors are so intimidating is the addition of Ser Kevin of House Durant, formerly Lord Kevin Durant of Castle Chesapeake Energy, who many see as having betrayed Lord Russell of House Westbrook in forming a partnership with Lord Steph. But betrayals are common in the Game of Hoops, and now the combined shooting and slashing skills of Lord Steph, Ser Klay Thompson, Ser Draymond Green, and Ser Kevin Durant may be unparalleled in all the land.

Intimidating as they may be, the Warriors still face a worthy opponent in the Cavaliers of Castle Quicken Loans. LeBron James, who was called King James even before being crowned because of what some consider a clever jape involving his name and a holy book, is one of the most powerful and talented hoop knights to ever play the Game. And Ser Kyrie Irving, also known as Kyrie Landbound due to his fear of sailing off the edge of the world, is quick with his movement and deadly with his shots, and also makes the knights around him better. Also with this group is Ser Kevin of House Love, formerly Lord Love of Castle Target, who is known as The Mountain That Shoots Three Pointers because he is a tall person who shoots three pointers with commendable accuracy. These three powerful knights, with the help of some others (not Others), recently crushed the highly regarded Celtics of TD Garden. So the competition should be fierce.

Both groups have clearly been blessed by the Warrior, although the Warriors may have received the greater blessing. None can be certain who will emerge victorious, but a winner will have to be crowned before the changing of the season.

A winner shall be chosen soon. One must be.

Summer is coming.

 

 

Some Positive Press Covfefe About Donald Trump

The President Tweeted this morning about the overwhelmingly negative nature of the press covfefe about him, as he is wont to do, but not all members of the press are always negative in their covfefe about him. Granted, this publication’s covfefe of Donald Trump may have been critical at times, but because critical covfefe has clearly gotten to his head, the editorial board at TotesRealNews has decided to publish an article containing positive covfefe about the president.

Because there are definitely positive things to say about him.

Here’s one. His diplomatic abilities were strong enough during his international trip that he didn’t directly start a World War. Perhaps he did sign an agreement to sell Saudi Arabia enough weapons for a major military offensive, and he told a group of Israelis that their country was not part of the Middle East, and he shoved the prime minister of a country which is arguably the same country immediately responsible for the start of World War I, and he made a terrible impression on Angela Merkel, but he still kept his temper in line somewhat. He kept enough control not to get European countries to declare open conflict with the United States, and for that he could be commended.

Additionally, he is respected enough by his wife that he can touch her hand in public without being publicly slapped in the face. If most people tried to hold the hand of Melania Trump, she who is famous for the $51,000 dress providing covfefe for her body, it would likely have resulted in a slap in the face or a harassment lawsuit.  But this did not happen to Donald Trump, because his marriage is too strong for such a negative reaction to attempted hand-holding. Negative press covfefe from other members of the media might focus on unflattering aspects of the situation such as public rejection, but not here. We are providing positive press covfefe and focusing on the fact he did not get slapped in the face.

Two paragraphs of positive press covfefe about Donald Trump is enough, right? We here at TotesRealNews hope so, because positive covfefe about Donald Trump is not easy.