America Disappointed With Birthday Present

American, Flag, American Flag, Usa

The Internet – The United States of America turns 240 today, and much to its chagrin it got the same gift it gets every single year. Fireworks.

“Dammit,” the nation said, to no one in particular. “Why does it always have to be those darn explosions. Do I not feel enough shame over the course of the year about all the things that get blown up in my name, they have to remind me of it on my birthday? Which is supposed to be a happy day. And they tell me the fireworks look nice, but it’s the same thing every year and I’m more than two hundred years old already. Do they really expect me to be able to see more than a vague hint of unusual colors in the atmosphere? My eyes are shot, and my ears aren’t too far behind, but I can still hear the crackling and booming noises going on all weekend, and I expect more of them. But maybe if I’m lucky they’ll totally destroy my eardrums so I won’t have to hear it anymore.”

When asked what it wanted for its birthday, if not fireworks, America was reluctant to answer, claiming no one would listen anyway. But after continued prodding, it said it would like medical help. “The first thing I need,” it said, “is a Congressional transplant. That part of me has been toxic at times my whole life, and now it must be the most rotten organ that any body politic has ever had. Ever. Maybe my memory is fuzzy from old age, but I’m fairly certain that it’s the worst, and the only way to fix it would be to take out the whole thing and get a brand new one. It’s the 21st Century by now, so that has to be possible, right?”

When told a Congressional transplant would be impossible without a total overhauling of the Constitution, which would only happen if a massive majority of legislators agreed to forfeit their cushy jobs, America looked despondent. Then it rallied, as it often does, and said: “Freedom. The meaning of the word has been twisted over the years, often reflecting selfish desires rather than a universal right to be liberated from oppressors of all kinds. If we can get back to a more noble meaning of the concept, then I think I can be happy. Would that be possible?”

When told it was more realistic than a Congressional transplant but still highly unlikely, America sighed. “Oh well,” it said. “I guess I will try to appreciate these fireworks, since most of them do mean well, and hope they come up with something else for next year.”



Trump Says All Fireworks Legal Because He Said So


The Internet – Donald Trump claimed to have issued an executive order yesterday legalizing all fireworks, even though he is not president, has never been president, and quite possibly never will be president.

According to Trump, he is authorized to issue an executive order because “Crooked Hillary will be going to jail, and I won’t be because I have the best lawyers, so I will be president and she won’t so we might as well stop wasting time and let me do executive orders already.”

When pressed on the issue that even if Donald Trump somehow managed to get elected, Barack Obama will still be president for the rest of the year, Trump was nonplussed. “Barack Hussein Obama is not the president. My people, the very smart people I surround myself with, tell me the Constitution says you have to be an American citizen for your whole life to be president, and lots and lots of my supporters know for a fact that Obama was born in Kenya so he’s not a citizen. Lots and lots of people can’t be wrong, can they? Of course not. So because Obama can’t be president and Crooked Hillary is going to jail that means I’m president and I can make executive orders. End of story.”

Of course, that was not the end of Donald Trump’s story about legalizing fireworks, as he said bottle rockets should be allowed for all Americans, except for the ones he has said shouldn’t be in America and are therefore not Americans according to an additional executive order. He said these rights to use currently illegal fireworks would be extended nationwide, since while he is generally for state’s rights, Making America Great trumps state’s rights, and nothing makes America greater than a loud, bright color display to distract the people from their struggles and from the world in general.

In spite of this attempted executive order, Trump made it clear that no fireworks of any kind will be allowed at his next rally because: “Let’s be serious here. Between you and me, we both know what my supporters are like, and I need them to have some fingers left so they can vote in November.”