Marie Kondo Seeks Machine to Reorganize Weather



After achieving worldwide fame helping people be happier inside their houses, organization expert Marie Kondo wants to help people be happier outside their houses as well by remedying uncomfortable weather-related situations throughout the world.

After hearing about the storms and brutally cold weather affecting the United States, which is the source of much of her audience for her Netflix series, Ms. Kondo knew she had to do something to help her fans and hate-watchers. Speaking through a translator, she asked “Does this frigid weather spark joy?”

The answer, of course, is no. With wind chills under zero degrees Fahrenheit, the weather hasn’t been conducive to sparking cigarette lighters, let alone joy. And since she knew the answer before she asked the question, Ms. Kondo told reporters that since this cold weather didn’t spark joy it has to be thrown out. Anything under thirty degrees Fahrenheit, this number being arrived upon because it is cold enough for snow but warm enough for wanting to be outside in the snow, would have to be thrown out.

This proved baffling for most reporters, so much so that they pretended the exchange didn’t even happen. Only Glue News stuck with the story, pressing on to see exactly what she meant. She couldn’t have meant literally throwing out the cold like a tchotchke which has lost all sentimental value, since this will have no effect on the temperature but may eventually lead to the hospital needing to throw away part of your finger. Frostbite does not spark joy.

Her actual plan involves weather machines. Take warm air from areas with far too much of it and bring the warmth to cold areas. Maybe blast a bunch of artificial sun into regions affected by the cold snap until it’s not so cold any more. This is a difficult plan to carry out, since any scientists with the potential ability to build such a machine are imaginary or imprisoned or would never make such a thing because of the potential devastating effects on the planet and also because that’s not really how weather works.

But difficult is not impossible, as has been proven by some of the most challenging decluttering jobs. And maybe this is impossible. But even if it is, is that any reason to give up?

Perhaps it is, if you’re a boring, sensible person who is grounded firmly in reality. But where’s the joy in that?



Sock Attack Leaves Woman Hospitalized

Socks, Clothing, Set, Accessories

They only look innocent


The Internet – A Manhattan resident is resting comfortably in a hospital after being viciously attacked by her own socks.

The 24-year-old woman, who is not named Ms. Harris but will be referred to as such in order to protect her from the curious masses, suffered numerous bruises, several abrasions, and a minor concussion after the bizarre attack caused her to lose balance and hit her head on a wooden dresser.

According to Ms. Harris, the recent work week had been especially stressful, as two of her co-workers went on vacation so she had to pick up some of the slack. She had hoped to feel better once the weekend began, but she was unable to let go of the frustration as she folded her socks on Sunday. And because all of Marie Kondo’s theories are totally accurate, the negative energy transferred from her body to her socks, thus enraging the clothing to the point of violence.

Ms. Harris’ roommate, who will be referred to by the fake name of Melanie Kahn, heard a scream from Ms. Harris’ room around 1:30 in the afternoon, so Ms. Kahn opened the door to find Ms. Harris in there alone, but not quite alone, because there were a bunch of socks in the room repeatedly smacking Ms. Harris in the face. Ms. Kahn tried to grab the renegade clothing, but was greeted with smacks to her own face, so she ran out of the room to call 9-1-1.

By the time Ms. Kahn could convince the dispatcher that she was not kidding or pranking them or totally out of her mind, Ms. Harris was slumped on the floor with a visibly bruised forehead. And the socks were still hitting Ms. Harris.

The hospital opted to keep Ms. Harris overnight to monitor her concussion symptoms, as well as to check for the possibility that she hallucinated the entire incident. All evidence points Ms. Harris not suffering from psychotic symptoms although it may take a few days to be sure, and her co-workers will need to pick up the slack for her in the meantime.

When asked about the incident, Ms. Harris said she learned never to fold laundry angry again, and if she ever finds herself unable to calm herself down then she will pay someone else to do it for her, because her frustrating job pays well enough for her to have that option. Additionally, all of the misbehaving clothing will be thrown out or burned.

Probably burned.