White House Preparing For Grand Moff Tarkin Day

The Internet – Thursday will be May Fourth, often known as Star Wars Day because of how the day’s name sounds like the beginning of the famous line “May the force be with you,” but this Thursday will not commemorate traditional Star Wars heroes such as Luke Skywalker and Han Solo and Yoda, or even newer ones such as Rey and Finn, as they do not fit the current administration’s definition of heroism. Instead, the day will honor the unyielding resolve of Grand Moff Tarkin.

The Trump Administration, which spoken for by Donald Trump because he is still allowed to speak, sees Tarkin as the tragic hero of the first film, a man who is willing to make the hard choices necessary to make the Empire great again through acts of terrorism which don’t count as terrorism because it’s the Empire doing it. He is seen as tough, and maybe not fair, but fairness is for weak people and weak people are the reason why America doesn’t win anymore, which is why neither the Empire nor America have any obligation to treat their people fairly. He is also willing to stick to his plan no matter how many people advise him against it, no matter how much it looks like sticking to this plan will destroy him and all those around him, and this tenacity is why he is seen as the most heroic of the pro-Empire Star Wars heroes.

If Steve Bannon still had the sort of influence he used to have, then Grand Moff Tarkin Day would likely include a lot of blowing things up, possibly going into Afghanistan and nuking a big chunk of it like it was Alderaan, but fortunately Steve Bannon is not in charge so nuclear weapons are not part of the official plans. Instead, the factories which had been making Ivanka’s clothing but have had less demand for clothing-making lately will be re-purposed as manufacturers of Peter Cushing masks. And they are expected to receive hefty government contracts (which makes sense since Grand Moff Tarkin Day is now a real national holiday) to make millions of these masks to be worn by all American citizens, so they can gaze upon the visage of the martyr Tarkin and be mindful of what a hero truly is.

Mr. Trump also reminded the American public that if they think Grand Moff Tarkin Day is a silly holiday, they should start buying Ivanka’s clothing again so the factories could make Trump-family clothing instead of masks depicting Peter Cushing as Grand Moff Tarkin.

At the end of the speech, Mr. Trump was forced to concede that time constraints regarding manufacturing and shipping would push Grand Moff Tarkin Day back at least a month, but that’s fine because the date or time that something happens or happened doesn’t matter anymore.