Unverified yet Totally Reliable Source: Donald Trump Has Fired Security Detail

Agent, One, Detective, Secret Service

It has been suggested that this man is frowning because Donald Trump just fired him from his Secret Service job.

The Internet – Because he is totally allowed to do such a thing as President-elect, Donald Trump has fired the Secret Service agents assigned to protect him, reallocating the funds previously used for security in order to pay for wall-building and deportation programs. This has allegedly been confirmed by a source which has not revealed anything about why he or she should be believed, but we at TotesRealNews believe this source because it told us what we want to hear.

When asked why he would get rid of people whose job it is to keep him alive, Trump said he didn’t need them. He was quoted as saying “Why would anyone want to hurt me? Everyone loves me. I am the most popular person to ever be elected president, and all the people protesting are not really angry, they’re just being paid by the Democrats to make it seem like not everyone thinks I’m the greatest. But everyone thinks I’m the greatest. Even the Democrats.”

Trump continued excusing his decision by claiming Mike Pence provides better protection than any armed agent ever could. While Trump’s position supporting the torture of those suspected of terrorist activities can be unpopular, Mike Pence’s position in favor of torturing people who are attracted to the same sex until they change their preferences or die can be seen as more extreme, and could serve to discourage potential assassins. And Pence probably believes in torturing terrorists as well, but due to our firm belief in poor journalistic integrity we are unwilling to research the matter, although Pence is probably for brutality whenever the opportunity presents itself, and sometimes when there should be no reasonable opportunity, such as when he would deny health care coverage to people suffering from smoking-induced lung cancer because smoking doesn’t cause cancer so they don’t have cancer and they’re just being babies trying to bilk the insurance industry out of their hard-stolen dollars. Pence also has his own potential e-mail issues, and since e-mail issues are the worst political Kryptonite in the world, Trump feels there is no way anyone would kill Donald Trump in order to end up with a president who doesn’t want anyone reading his emails.

If the Secret Service were willing to talk to TotesRealNews, which they are not, they would most likely say that these are unsubstantiated rumors and Donald Trump has not fired his security team because even he is not that crazy, but it is also possible they would not say anything because they no longer have jobs because Donald Trump fired them. In a world where Donald Trump can be elected president, just about anything is possible.


*Editor’s note: What was once called “TotesRealNews” is now “SuchRealNews.” The news is just as real as it always was, and where it says “Totesreal” in the text this can be mentally replaced with “suchreal” or “veryreal” or left as it is. But due to the high journalistic integrity of SuchRealNews, and definitely not laziness, all references to the previous name within articles will remain unchanged.

Pence Tours BS Factory, Joins Trump Ticket

New York, Taxi Cab, Trump Tower, Nyc


The Internet – Mikey Pence, a 57-year-old boy from Indiana, successfully completed  a tour of the Trump Tower in Manhattan yesterday, thus earning the opportunity of a lifetime to be the Republican vice-presidential nominee for the 2016 election.

Five potential candidates entered the tower, which Trump sometimes calls the BS factory due to its ability to create bon soirs, which is French for “good evenings”, but only one left as the person who would be next in line to become president of the United States of America if Trump is elected. That lucky person, the only one not to suffer any embarrassing failures in a series of challenges, was Mikey Pence.

The five vice-presidential hopefuls entered the tower, each showing a guard their golden text message, and then they were led into the Trump Grill, where they were presented with a buffet full of food associated with various ethnic groups which Trump has offended and subsequently claimed to love. The candidates were told to eat as much as they wanted to, and four of the five ate moderately, but Governor Christie apparently thought it was an eating contest and finished three platefuls of bean-heavy fare. He then had to excuse himself for an extended bathroom visit, and the tour went on without him.

After completing their lunches, the candidates were sent on a scavenger hunt for Pokemon. As none of these potential candidates are under the age of forty, they were not expected to use the Pokemon Go app, but instead to find plush dolls of the pocket monsters, which Trump was easily able to purchase because, as he frequently reminds others, he is really rich. The scavenger hunt ended fairly quickly when Sarah Palin found a Pikachu doll and did what she always does when she finds what she is looking for during a hunt. Soon afterwards, security removed her from the premises for unsafe firearm use, and then there were three.

The three who remained continued the tour, eventually stopping in a nightclub, where  attractive female exotic dancers danced exotically. Mikey Pence and Teddy Cruz took this opportunity to pray for the souls of sinners everywhere, and while Teddy was seen sneaking several long looks at the dancers, this was not against the rules. Newt Gingrich, on the other hand, made it rain, which was also allowed, but moving on to the next part of the tour required a small tip to hotel staff, and Newt spent all the cash in his pocket on the strippers so he was unable to move on.

Finally, Teddy and Mikey were told to take the elevator up to Donald Trump’s penthouse, where the first one there would be officially named to the ticket.  Mikey was assigned an elevator very slightly to the left of Teddy’s, and the race was on. Teddy made it to his elevator almost a full minute before Mikey, but the elevators were programmed to stop one time for each colleague that the candidate upset within the past five years, which made for slow rides for both of them, but young Teddy’s ride was significantly slower. So Mike Pence emerged at the top as the winner, and accepted his prize as Teddy hurled obscenities from what he came to see as a not-great-at-all glass elevator.

In subsequent interviews with mainstream media sources, all of the contestants, as well as Trump Tower employees, are likely to deny that this ever occurred. Some contestants may even deny that they were in the running for the nomination. Nevertheless, this totally happened.


*Editor’s note: What was once called “TotesRealNews” is now “SuchRealNews.” The news is just as real as it always was, and where it says “Totesreal” in the text this can be mentally replaced with “suchreal” or “veryreal” or left as it is. But due to the high journalistic integrity of SuchRealNews, and definitely not laziness, all references to the previous name within articles will remain unchanged.