Spicer Addresses Alleged Melania Affair

Parts of the internet have been abuzz over the past few days due to Tweets by writer Monica Byrne alleging an affair between Melania Trump and Tiffany’s security chief Hank Siemers. These rumors are considered unsubstantiated by the mainstream media, but since the mainstream media is the #fakenewsmedia their failure to confirm the allegation makes the rumor even stronger.

Due to the increasing strength of this rumor, Press Secretary Sean Spicer held a top-secret press conference this evening to address it. No one from the mainstream media was invited, and recording devices were not permitted. Not even pen and paper. Fortunately for TotesRealNews, one of our reporters has perfect recall abilities so we sent this journalist to the conference to report back on what Mr. Spicer said.

She came back with the whole speech, which is reproduced below:

First of all, I can tell you with absolute certainty that this rumor is an outright lie, and Melania has not been unfaithful to Donald. This allegation…this lie…says Donald knows about it, so if it were true then he would have told me. He tells me everything. You don’t know the things he tells me, except for the things I tell you as part of this job, but there are other things he told me and I haven’t told you and none of those involve Melania knowing Hank Semens, or whatever his name is, in a Biblical sense. The Trumps are not Bible people, and there is no affair going on. Period.

And even if this absolute falsehood has any truth to it, it wouldn’t be cheating if Donald knows about it. Like if I told you I was about to lie and then I said Donald Trump is a horrible president, and please don’t quote me out of context on that one, it wouldn’t be a lie, really, because there was no intent to deceive. And it’s the same thing…it would be the same thing with this so-called dalliance because it’s not…it wouldn’t be cheating if it was happening and she had his permission. He’s got all these important presidential tasks to deal with, so if he outsourced some of the traditional marital duties to another man then that would be smart business strategy adapted for the presidency.

And if this was happening, which like I told you a million times it’s not, it shouldn’t upset anyone because it would just mean they have an open marriage. Open marriage means openness. Hostile media has been complaining for months about how Donald Trump doesn’t want the borders to be as open as left-wing liberals do, and how he’s not as open in dealing with the press as some of his predecessors, and now that there’s a rumor he’s being open in his marriage then suddenly you don’t want him to be open anymore? There’s no winning with you people. I don’t want to hide in the bushes again, but if this unfair treatment persists then I may have no choice.

Summary of speech: it isn’t true, but if it was, it wouldn’t be nearly as bad as you all think it is. Now you don’t have to go anywhere, but I do. Goodbye.

And with that, he left, leaving nothing but a quickly fading Spicey aroma and the memory of a few hundred words, almost all of which are real words, which are now on the internet. Words addressing an important scandal which, if found to be true, might be one of the top fifty most outrageous things involving Donald Trump.