Mosquito Appreciation Society Plans 5k Race

Blood, Mosquito, Animal, Insect, Full

The Internet – The “Itching to Run, Running to Itch” 5k race, to be held this summer in a yet-to-be-determined wooded area, is expected to be a moderate success, because some runners will run any race no matter how ridiculous the cause.

Dylan “Skeeter” Davis, 29, founded the Mosquito Appreciation Society last year as the only member, and now membership is up to over two dozen. He considers this to be a resounding success, and has been inspired by this success to start his first official fundraising activity, the aforementioned race, in order to lobby politicians to tone down mosquito-control programs.

“Mosquitoes are much-maligned creatures,” Davis said, in the beginning of a monologue meant to defend his cause, “but they should be treasured. Yes, they cause itching, sometimes painful itching, but this is a good thing. Pain is love. Pain is life. And nothing is better at reminding us that we are, in fact, alive than a mosquito bite near multiple nerve endings. Friends and lovers may come and go, family may hardly talk to you anymore because they think your opinions are weird, but mosquitoes will always be there for us, taking our blood and giving us something more valuable in return – the knowledge that we are of some use to something out there.”

Several more members on the society gave reasons for why they support mosquitoes, but none wished to be named.

One said that while some people love the thrill of horses crossing the finish line or the last card hitting the table, his favorite way to gamble is getting bitten by a mosquito and hoping the bite doesn’t contain West Nile virus or zika or any of the other diseases mosquitoes are known to transmit.

Another said he sometimes wishes he could grab the people he feels are draining him, place them against a wall, and slap them to death. Since anti-murder laws and physical limitations make that impossible, he’s glad to be allowed to take such action against mosquitoes.

Another, a long-time Coldplay fan, said she loves everything associated with the color yellow. Everything.

Finally, one association member started saying something terribly racist about the people mosquitoes tend to hurt the most and was threatened with expulsion from the group, because mosquito-lovers have some standards.

When asked when he would have more details about the race, Mr. Davis said “I’m not sure. Depends on when I’m able to ignore the itching and focus on planning.”