New Movies Caught Trampling Childhoods

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Lights, Camera, Destroy Childhoods!

The Internet – Multiple recent films have been caught silver-handed stepping all over people’s childhoods, on purpose, effectively ruining them.

Mark Thomas Sullivan, 36, had his childhood destroyed by the new Ghostbusters movie. “I tried to avoid it,” Sullivan said. “I really did. I tried to stay away to shelter my childhood from damage, since my childhood is a semi-independent part of myself and it is very sensitive. The slightest amount of trauma can totally destroy it, for at least a little bit, and a little bit is quite enough to complain and blog about it for weeks, maybe longer. And the Ghostbusters movie came out of nowhere – well maybe not nowhere since I’ve been hearing about it for months – but it still surprised me enough to put its feet on my childhood, which might not fully recover from this for years.”

Daniel Johnson-Edwards, 29, had his childhood punched in the face repeatedly by the Independence Day sequel. “I knew I wasn’t going to see it,” Johnson-Edwards said, “Because I knew it wouldn’t be the same without Will Smith in it. But it didn’t matter that I didn’t see it; it saw me, and it saw my childhood, and then this not-starring-Will-Smith monstrosity cornered my childhood and then punched it once in the jaw and twice in the eye before walking on its head. Now my childhood can no longer remember the thrill of watching Will Smith save the world from aliens, or anything positive at all. It may never be able to remember anything good ever again. All because of this movie which wouldn’t leave it alone. Why couldn’t it just leave it alone?”

Why indeed? Why won’t these movies stop physically assaulting childhoods, and why won’t the police do anything about it? Are the police in the pockets of Big Cinema? When asked, the police shook their heads and walked away, so they probably are in the pockets of Big Cinema. Perhaps they had their own childhoods attacked by films, and therefore lost the goodness inside them which would have allowed them to bring these renegade movies to justice.

The only lesson to learn from this is to hide your childhood, and hide your wife’s childhood if applicable, since the movies are after everybody’s childhood right now.