Billy Joel Expert Reveals Secrets Behind Piano Man

The secrets behind Billy Joel’s breakout hit “Piano Man” have been revealed to Totes Real News by someone named Billy Joel Expert, because if you have some money to spare you can change your name to just about anything. Through the conversation with Mr. Expert, who must know a lot because his name says he does, several surprising facts about the lyrics to “Piano Man” came to light.

One fascinating tidbit involves the old man who sat next to a young Billy Joel. This old man knew the words to the song he wanted played as recently as two years earlier, which was the time he was wearing a younger man’s clothes. In the late 1960’s, the old man had a 24-year-old neighbor, and this young man was making his way up in the advertising world and therefore spent a lot of time away from home, so the younger man paid the older man to look after his dog. This continued without any criminal activity for months, until an unpleasant odor revealed a need to clean up the dog’s mess in a closet, and this closet contained some very nice clothing which fit the old man perfectly.

So the old man took one outfit, figuring the young man wouldn’t miss it, and then another and another, until eventually the thievery was discovered and the old man had a brief but traumatic stay in prison, after which he developed a major drinking problem which led him to forget the words to all of his favorite songs, which is why he needed Billy Joel to sing the song to him.

Additionally, the place where John the bartender would rather be isn’t necessarily in Hollywood, but anywhere besides the bar. John didn’t even particularly want to pursue a career as an actor, but rather was equating the likelihood of movie stardom with the likelihood of leaving, since John had been hit with a restraining order by someone living exactly five hundred feet away from the bar, so the moment he stepped outside the bar he would have been in violation of the order. And there were no windows on the other side of the building, and the landlord would have sued him for trying to make any, and then he wouldn’t have even been able to go to court and defend himself due to the restraining order.

Another mystery which was resolved by Billy Joel Expert is the nature of Paul’s profession as a real estate novelist. He was, unsurprisingly, a novelist who wrote about real estate, since a realtor who wrote novels would be a “realtor and novelist,” which works just as well in the song since it has the same number of syllables. What is less clear about Paul’s situation is the figurative language used by Mr. Joel in this verse when he was inspired by a famous expression to equate time with money. Paul did not have the money to get married because hardly anyone wanted to read novels about people buying houses. Paul might have fared better if he wrote during the era of real estate television, but back then he was stuck lamenting his troubles to Davey.

Mr. Expert also discussed the waitress who, like Paul, was ahead of her time. She practiced politics by pretending to take away people’s healthcare. She would go up to customers and ask them what doctor they saw and then tell them their insurance didn’t cover that doctor any more and they had to pay a lot of money if they ever wanted medical treatment again. She did this because she was drunk, which was unprofessional, but John could not go out and hire a better waitress when he couldn’t leave.

Another common misconception about the song is that when the businessman was getting stoned, he was getting stoned off the effects of alcohol, but that was not the case. Davey and Paul would throw pebbles at him because Paul blamed price gouging for the public not having leftover money to buy his books, and Davey resented the businessman for repeatedly refusing to hire him for enough money that he could quit the Navy. This continued for years, sometimes just by Paul and sometimes by Paul and Davey and sometimes others joined in, and John wouldn’t do anything about it because he couldn’t kick out his best customers. And the businessman wouldn’t leave because he liked the waitress too much, but eventually his doctor made him stay home to recover from his gradually acquired injuries, which happened after Piano Man was recorded.

Loneliness, as it turns out, was the name of an actual drink served at John’s bar. It was ironically named, because this combination of several bottom-shelf liquors and liqueurs, along with multiple juices and sodas in a sixty-ounce glass, could almost never be finished by one person. It was only because of the shared alcoholism of the businessman and waitress that they could finish it together, even though it did go down very easily. This was not the case for “drinking alone”, a smaller cocktail containing gin and milk and horseradish which was not intended to be consumed by anyone, alone or otherwise.

These lyrical explanations have not been confirmed by Billy Joel, only by Billy Joel Expert, but the opinions of an Expert should be valued over all others so the only opinion which matters is the opinion that these Piano Man facts are totally true.

Unreleased Deep State Album to Debut At #1

The top-secret band Deep State, which is the musical arm of the mysterious yet powerful and totally real entity of the same name, will release its first album tomorrow morning. And this album is going to be the top album in the United States next week.

There is no previous public record of this album, simply titled Songs of the Deep State, even existing, let alone selling any copies through pre-orders, but it will sell a lot of copies. Enough to easily take the top position on the Billboard Top 200. This is not a guess. This is not speculative. This is a fact. The Deep State Organization wants to use this album to openly raise money for its secret projects, so Songs of the Deep State is going to go platinum almost immediately. Maybe you won’t buy the album, and maybe no one you know will buy the album, but the album will be bought and played enough to be very successful whether you ever hear any of the songs or not.

Despite the track list being just as secret as the album’s upcoming release, Totes Real News has managed to procure not only the names of the songs on the album, but also the order in which these songs will appear. Here is the list:

  1. No Change –  w/Blind Melon
  2. Regulate (Deep State Remix) – w/Warren G & Nate Dogg
  3. If I Were A Rich Man (Then I’d Simply Be Myself) – w/Zero Mostel
  4. Secret Government –  w/Johnny Rivers
  5. Status Quo – w/Idina Menzel
  6. It’s All Been Rigged – w/Barenaked Ladies
  7. How It’s Going To Be (We Know & You Don’t) – w/Third Eye Blind
  8. International Trade – w/Pitbull & Chris Brown
  9. Song 4 Dancing – w/Pitbull & The Chainsmokers
  10. 2 Many Cooks – w/Pitbull, The Chainsmokers, DJ Khaled, DJ Snake, Alessia Cara, Zedd, Rihanna, Kanye West, Fifth Harmony, Bob Dylan, Blue Ivy Carter, Harry Styles, Psy, Lil’ Mumble Swears, A Crying Baby, Barack Obama & Gordon Ramsay

The last two songs are supposed to be the radio hits, and they will be radio hits. People like dancing, and a song called “Song 4 Dancing” is sure to make them dance. It is also well-established that the more famous people are featured on a dance track, the more successful it will be. There has never been a pop record featuring Barack Obama which has not reached #1 on the charts, and the Deep State is powerful enough to avoid breaking that streak. It is also powerful enough to avoid the lawsuits which would normally be incurred by using music and vocals from pre-existing tracks without permission.

The Deep State, as all conspiracy enthusiasts are aware, is powerful enough to do just about anything. Anything except prevent an obnoxious TV host and hotel developer from becoming president, but even the Deep State has its limits. This totally real album, on the other hand, will sell an unlimited and nearly infinite amount of copies.

Unless the Deep State decides to keep its profile low and not sell any at all.

Shouting at the Top 20 Songs on the Billboard Hot 100 and Telling Them to Get Off My Lawn

The stories currently dominating the mainstream media are fake news. Only shouting at pop songs and telling them to get off my lawn is real!

20 songs are about to be shouted at, although possibly less than they deserve.

20. Ayo & Teo, Rolex

The two of you need to get off my lawn with this nonsense. Nothing wrong with wanting a fancy watch, but if you get one then maybe take care of it. Don’t put ranch dressing on it! That ruins it! Who are you? Are you Ayo and Teo, or the Mad Hatter and the March Hare? And first you’re saying you want the Rolex, and then you have it and it makes your life better, and then you want it again. Make up your minds. Ahhhh!

19. Brett Young, In Case You Didn’t Know

What if she says no? You’re leaving yourself super-vulnerable here, buddy! If she doesn’t feel close to as strongly about you as you feel about her, which is a distinct possibility because you set the bar really high for intense emotions, then you’re due for a massive heartbreak and then you’ll have to write another song about how you loved her so much and she broke your heart anyway and she won’t be listening to it at all. And can you try any harder to make a wedding song? If you can, please don’t.

18. French Montana & Swae Lee, Unforgettable

When you title a song “Unforgettable”, you set a certain expectation for the song, which is not met here. Not met at all! The more memorable part of the song is an overlong, overproduced, autotuned chorus which eventually comes to the conclusion that a sexual relationship should take place because “why not.” Why not??? These awful persuasive skills might be one good reason why not. Also, do you even pronoun? Two different people are referred to as “you” in the same verse. At least I think it was the same verse. I can’t say for sure since even though I just heard the song, I forgot.

17. Childish Gambino, Redbone

What did you do to Childish Gambino? Where is he? This sounds like a soul track from forty years ago. Nothing childish about that! When I first heard this I didn’t know who did it, but I never would have guessed Childish Gambino. This is a drastic change from someone who gained fame as a rapping comedian and comedic actor, and nothing about this is either rapping or comedic! Maybe it’s not bad, but it’s change, and here from my virtual lawn chair I shake my fist at change. Chaaaaaaange! That means I hate it, not that I want change, although now I must change the song I’m shouting at.

16. Kyle & Lil’ Yachty, iSpy

Get off of my head lawn with this song, Kyle and Lil’ Yachty! This is very catchy, with an earworm of a sing-song chorus reminiscent of a kids’ song. But this is not a kids’ song. Maybe an adolescent song, but it is not for kids. The thematic content is not for children, and neither are the words. Especially the uncensored version, with its words that children and Bill Maher can (and should) get yelled at for saying. But the point here is the song should be yelled at for sounding so much more innocent than it is. Yell! Yell! Yell!

15. Imagine Dragons, Believer

Have you met people before, Imagine Dragons? Don’t you know how poor listening comprehension can be? Just because this is supposed to be an inspiring song about how making it through suffering caused by forces beyond your control gave you the strength to take control of your life, that doesn’t mean that’s how people will interpret it. You sing so quickly in much of the song that sometimes all someone will hear is “Pain!” And they will think you think pain is a good thing no matter what, so they should inflict pain on themselves. And that is not good for them. Not good for them at all, Imagine Dragons.

14. Sam Hunt, Body Like a Back Road

This song is dirty like a back road, without using any actual profanity, and the dirtiness of the back roads is one part of the metaphor the song missed. If her body’s really like a back road then it’s likely to be filthy and poorly maintained, with unexpected bumps which will shock and possibly hurt you. And a lot of other people ride on top of a back road with no one else in sight. Maybe no one else noticed how you only used the metaphor when it was convenient for you, but I did. Also, this song encourages terrible driving if taken literally. 15 in a 30 is a terrible idea, and driving with your eyes closed is worse. Maybe you think people should know better, but if you know enough people then you should know better than that.

13. Kygo & Selena Gomez, It Ain’t Me

Why you gotta be so cruel, Selena? This guy is obviously going through some struggles, with a serious case of alcoholism, and not only do you leave him but you rub it in his face! Maybe he’s beyond help, and it is not your responsibility to try to fix him, but if you’re a decent human being then it’s your responsibility not to be like “Ha ha ha you need all sorts of help and comfort and I’m not going to give you any.” That’s just mean. For shame, Selena. For. Shame.

12. James Arthur, Say You Won’t Let Go

What’s going on in this song, James? Are you stuck in a moment of regret the whole song and daydreaming of what might have been, or did the relationship progress from a night to a lifetime over the course of three minutes of singing? If the former, then there should have been an easy solution to that. You had her number, right? So after you realized it wasn’t just the alcohol controlling your emotions, you could have called her up the next day and tried to set up another date. If you were too scared to do that, then regret that, but not your decision not to do something while intoxicated which you both might regret in the morning. Telling her to get some rest was the right decision! If she said she wouldn’t let go, and you let her keep holding on even though she was more drunk than you were, that would have been the opposite of the right decision!

And if it was the latter, if you ended up getting married and staying together your whole lives, why do you need her to say those words? Hasn’t she said as much, over and over again, with her actions? A promise to stay means much less than actually staying! How do you not know this?! Argh!

11. Julia Michaels, Issues

You’ve got some issues, Julia. More than the issues you admit to having in the song. First of all, you are judging. Maybe you are choosing to forgive and accept after judging, but by proclaiming your partner has issues you are making a judgment. But the biggest issue with the song is the assertion at the end of the chorus, that being irresistibly attracted to this other person is a problem, when you just said you are perfect for each other. Do you want the relationship you have, or not? There is no place on my lawn for such indecision!

10. Post Malone, Congratulations

Good job, Post Malone, creating yet another addition to the most common theme in hip-hop, being successful in spite of the haters and doubters. And considering how whiny your voice sounds when you try to sing, the haters and doubters may have been justified. But you made it. You’ve reached a level of mild-to-moderate success, which is much better than mild-to-moderate plaque psoriasis. But what gets under my skin is one little line where you ask how you can make sense when your mind is focusing on making millions. How can you? Easily! Snoop knew this 25 years ago. When you’ve got money on your mind, you gotta focus on the lyrics to make that money. Or at some point a record executive will listen to a track of yours, decide it makes no sense, and burn up all your deals. If that happens, no amount of swagging will save your career, and you’ll wish you’d made sense.

9. Lil Uzi Vert, XO Tour Llif3

This song makes Julia Michaels seem well-adjusted. Maybe Xanny takes the pain away, but it can also take the brain away, especially if mixed with other drugs and it sounds like it’s being mixed with other drugs in this song. Maybe that’s why you thought llif3 is a word. Llif3 is not a word! And “committed, not addicted” is exactly the sort of thing an addict in heavy denial would say. The problems alluded to here are super-depressing, and I don’t want them on my lawn. Go away!

8. The Chainsmokers & Coldplay, Something Just Like This

The woman in the song is a dream crusher! If he wants to better himself, let him better himself! Yeah, she’s justified in not wanting him to be something he’s not, especially if trying to do so is a dangerous course of action, but there are other roads to self-improvement and she doesn’t want him to take them. She just wants him to stay boring and unimpressive, and basically just be there for her without much of a life of his own. Which is terrible! And he seems to be relieved about her total lack of expectations, so maybe he deserves her, but such a celebration of mediocrity has no place on my lawn! Shoo!

7. Zedd & Alessia Cara, Stay

Needy and demanding much here, Alessia? Was the man from “Baby it’s Cold Outside” a role model of yours? The person you want to stay doesn’t have to stay, and you know it, and yet you keep insisting otherwise. And we all know staying for just a minute won’t be nearly enough for you, since you’d stay on that couch for hours if you could, taking occasional brief breaks before going right back on the couch again. So you are needy and dishonest. Shame! Despite the shameful nature of this song, it has stayed near the top of the Billboard Hot 100 chart for months, and may stay for a while, but this song may not stay on the front lawn of my mind. Leave!

6. Future, Mask Off

Maybe the worst song out of all these. Even after struggling through the lyric video, it’s hard to tell what it’s about, but it sounds like taking a bunch of drugs and then robbing a bank without a mask on even though he makes plenty of money rapping. I’m not going to say any more about this one except OFF MY LAWN!

5. Ed Sheeran, Shape of You

First of all, Ed, magnets don’t push. They pull. I push you off my lawn for mistakes like that one, and the subject-verb agreement error in the same line. A magnet does. Some magnets do. Poetic license doesn’t apply when there is such an easy fix. What’s not easily fixed is the premise of the song as a whole, that the shape of a body is a subject of love. If someone took the same shape and turned it into a red, green, and purple mannequin, I guarantee you would not feel the same emotions. If you did, then you have worse issues than several narrators of the songs on this list.

4. Kendrick Lamar, Humble

Don’t tell me to sit down! I am sitting, by the lawn I totally have, as you come along with your clever wordplay and complex rhymes that aren’t actually directed at me but sometimes seem like they could be. I will not sit down when I am already sitting, and I will not stand for this song overstaying its welcome on my lawn. Be gone now! Go away!

3. DJ Khaled & A Bunch of Other People, I’m the One

Which one of you is the one? Maybe when only one of you claims to be the one I can believe you and then this song would be welcome on my lawn. Right now, it’s not.

2. Bruno Mars, That’s What I Like

I get it, Bruno. You’re really rich, and you like spending your money to make someone else happy, at least until she tires of material possessions and longs for something deeper. And while T.I. made essentially the same song a few years ago with “Whatever You Like,” you put your own spin on it and you do it well, which is fine. What is not fine is this song staying on my lawn unless it uses the money it talks about to cut the grass. That would be useful, since I’m too busy shouting at songs to mow the lawn.

1. Luis Fonsi, Daddy Yankee, & Justin Bieber, Despacito

No entiendo mucho de este cancion. Estoy escribiendo en espanol ahora porque escucho Despacito muy frecuentemente. Por eso, este cancion tiene que get off my lawn ahora mismo!


Trump Bans All Songs By Fall Out Boy

The Internet – Donald Trump took time out of his busy day yesterday to sign what some are calling an executive gag order against the music of Fall Out Boy. He also spoke to select members of the press about this decision, and while most of the invited journalists are unlikely to write about this due to their loyalty to the president, an intrepid TotesRealNews reporter snuck into a nearby vent and transcribed the contents of the president’s speech, which is reproduced below:

The failing musical group Fall Out Boy, which has never had a number one hit on the only chart that matters — number two doesn’t count, just ask Hillary Clinton — are hereby banned from doing anything related to music. I’m president, the people elected me, so I can do that. They cannot make any new albums, or do any concerts, and the radio cannot play any of their songs. It is also illegal now to play their songs at home, although I don’t know why anyone would want to, because they are terrible.

Some people, and these people are so wrong let me tell you, seem to think I would be banning Fall Out Boy because I’m afraid that their songs know what I did in the dark. Which is preposterous. Everyone knows the only thing I do in the dark is get up and go to the bathroom and go on Twitter. My many enemies might think the song is talking about the things I do in secrecy, but if I did such terrible things then Congress would have found out and told everyone so it’s fake news to say I’m banning Fall Out Boy for any reason except they’ve been doing a bad job at music.

A long time ago, before I was a Republican, they did a song telling me to dance and then to dance again. I hate that. I don’t dance, I just pull up my pants and do the Rockaway, which is a place in the borough of New York City I was born in. Then I lean back, and take America back to the 1920’s, when we had Calvin Coolidge and America was great. Maybe he wouldn’t say so, because he didn’t say a lot of words, but Calvin Coolidge was one of the best presidents. And Fall Out Boy is one of the worst bands, which is why they are banned.

They also had a song, one which was almost a number one song — I don’t know why, but it was — where they suggested an arms race is a bad thing. Unbelievable. Arms races are great, and the one we’re going to have with North Korea is not a bad idea no matter what the haters say. We’re totally going to win that one and show we’re the best. Unlike Korea, which is almost as bad as Fall Out Boy. And while fake news sites like Wikipedia claim North Koreans eat mostly rice and beef and chicken, many people are saying they’re also into cats. But I digress.

Another song they did which is terrible is the one about falling sugar. First of all, falling sugar reminds me of diabetes, which jealous haters think I am in serious danger of getting because of my size and my diet, and I do not want to think about that. And why would anyone want to lie in grass by a mausoleum? Too many dead people there, maybe vengeful ghosts of those who I may have hurt with my smart business moves. Not that I believe in such things, but you can’t be too careful. You know me, I’m always careful. But the worst thing about the song is the guy says he’s going to be number one and yet he’s going down in an early round. I am number one with a yuge bullet, and let me tell you I am not going down. Not in an early round, not ever. This song is stupid and it’s a big reason why they are banned twelve years later.

There is one song of theirs which I like. The one about being remembered for centuries. Because hundreds of years from now, people will remember my name, and if I’m any judge of reality they will remember it fondly. Like Ozymandias. I’ve always compared myself to Ozymandias, and it gives me a good feeling to think of people looking at Trump Tower in hundred of years and feeling terrible that they will never be able to make anything so great. And I’m a busy man, so I haven’t had a chance to read the end of the poem, or the beginning, or anything but those famous two lines really, but I assume the rest of it is about modern people admiring the great king Ozymandias. Great poem, and great song, but Fall Out Boy is banned so that song is banned too.

Another thing which many people do not know is they have a record label called Fueled by Ramen. Last I checked, ramen is not American and if they don’t buy American food then they are not patriots. Maybe if their label was called something like Powered by Pizza I might consider lifting the ban, but they made their bed and now they have to sleep in it, which by the way is an incredible phrase I just made up.

Now it should be crystal-clear that the reason why I banned Fall Out Boy is that I think they did a bad job with the music they made a while ago, and not because I’m afraid of what their songs know. Their songs are like Jon Snow and the haters. They know nothing. And I know it’s time for dinner, and I’m hungry enough for three scoops of ice cream. Bye-bye.

During a normal presidency, Constitutional lawyers would likely have immediately pounced on something like this to claim a blatant violation of the 1st Amendment, but those lawyers have been so overwhelmed by the actions of this administration that they are unlikely to do anything about this. So Fall Out Boy will remain banned, and all that their fans will be able to do is thank them for the memories.