Trump Bans All Songs By Fall Out Boy

The Internet – Donald Trump took time out of his busy day yesterday to sign what some are calling an executive gag order against the music of Fall Out Boy. He also spoke to select members of the press about this decision, and while most of the invited journalists are unlikely to write about this due to their loyalty to the president, an intrepid TotesRealNews reporter snuck into a nearby vent and transcribed the contents of the president’s speech, which is reproduced below:

The failing musical group Fall Out Boy, which has never had a number one hit on the only chart that matters — number two doesn’t count, just ask Hillary Clinton — are hereby banned from doing anything related to music. I’m president, the people elected me, so I can do that. They cannot make any new albums, or do any concerts, and the radio cannot play any of their songs. It is also illegal now to play their songs at home, although I don’t know why anyone would want to, because they are terrible.

Some people, and these people are so wrong let me tell you, seem to think I would be banning Fall Out Boy because I’m afraid that their songs know what I did in the dark. Which is preposterous. Everyone knows the only thing I do in the dark is get up and go to the bathroom and go on Twitter. My many enemies might think the song is talking about the things I do in secrecy, but if I did such terrible things then Congress would have found out and told everyone so it’s fake news to say I’m banning Fall Out Boy for any reason except they’ve been doing a bad job at music.

A long time ago, before I was a Republican, they did a song telling me to dance and then to dance again. I hate that. I don’t dance, I just pull up my pants and do the Rockaway, which is a place in the borough of New York City I was born in. Then I lean back, and take America back to the 1920’s, when we had Calvin Coolidge and America was great. Maybe he wouldn’t say so, because he didn’t say a lot of words, but Calvin Coolidge was one of the best presidents. And Fall Out Boy is one of the worst bands, which is why they are banned.

They also had a song, one which was almost a number one song — I don’t know why, but it was — where they suggested an arms race is a bad thing. Unbelievable. Arms races are great, and the one we’re going to have with North Korea is not a bad idea no matter what the haters say. We’re totally going to win that one and show we’re the best. Unlike Korea, which is almost as bad as Fall Out Boy. And while fake news sites like Wikipedia claim North Koreans eat mostly rice and beef and chicken, many people are saying they’re also into cats. But I digress.

Another song they did which is terrible is the one about falling sugar. First of all, falling sugar reminds me of diabetes, which jealous haters think I am in serious danger of getting because of my size and my diet, and I do not want to think about that. And why would anyone want to lie in grass by a mausoleum? Too many dead people there, maybe vengeful ghosts of those who I may have hurt with my smart business moves. Not that I believe in such things, but you can’t be too careful. You know me, I’m always careful. But the worst thing about the song is the guy says he’s going to be number one and yet he’s going down in an early round. I am number one with a yuge bullet, and let me tell you I am not going down. Not in an early round, not ever. This song is stupid and it’s a big reason why they are banned twelve years later.

There is one song of theirs which I like. The one about being remembered for centuries. Because hundreds of years from now, people will remember my name, and if I’m any judge of reality they will remember it fondly. Like Ozymandias. I’ve always compared myself to Ozymandias, and it gives me a good feeling to think of people looking at Trump Tower in hundred of years and feeling terrible that they will never be able to make anything so great. And I’m a busy man, so I haven’t had a chance to read the end of the poem, or the beginning, or anything but those famous two lines really, but I assume the rest of it is about modern people admiring the great king Ozymandias. Great poem, and great song, but Fall Out Boy is banned so that song is banned too.

Another thing which many people do not know is they have a record label called Fueled by Ramen. Last I checked, ramen is not American and if they don’t buy American food then they are not patriots. Maybe if their label was called something like Powered by Pizza I might consider lifting the ban, but they made their bed and now they have to sleep in it, which by the way is an incredible phrase I just made up.

Now it should be crystal-clear that the reason why I banned Fall Out Boy is that I think they did a bad job with the music they made a while ago, and not because I’m afraid of what their songs know. Their songs are like Jon Snow and the haters. They know nothing. And I know it’s time for dinner, and I’m hungry enough for three scoops of ice cream. Bye-bye.

During a normal presidency, Constitutional lawyers would likely have immediately pounced on something like this to claim a blatant violation of the 1st Amendment, but those lawyers have been so overwhelmed by the actions of this administration that they are unlikely to do anything about this. So Fall Out Boy will remain banned, and all that their fans will be able to do is thank them for the memories.

Music Industry Calls for More Meaningful Songs

Turntable, Top View, Audio, Equipment

The Internet – In a meeting yesterday which was supposed to be top secret but wasn’t, music industry bigwigs came together to decry the relative lack of substance in hit music, as well as to try to remedy the situation.

“When I was seven years old,” said one executive, “all I cared about in a song was how much fun it was to listen to. But now, as a full-grown adult, I find myself longing for music to speak to me in a way which makes me think, and lately the closest any song has come to doing that is kind of a re-hashing of Cat’s In The Cradle. I’m sorry, I don’t care how much money Bieber songs bring in, I can’t love or even respect myself continuing to put so much fluff on the airwaves.”

“I know exactly what you mean,” said another. “If you really pay attention to what’s going on in this election, Hillary Clinton seems like a dangerous woman when it comes to foreign policy, and the fact it looks like either her or Trump has really got me stressed out. And I can’t stop the feeling running through my mind that maybe if there were less songs about sex and non-political parties and more songs about the importance of being politically active and educated we wouldn’t be in this sort of mess.”

At that point, a laptop used by a prominent EDM producer started shooting lasers across the room. Not the kind used at a harmless light show, but the kind Dr. Evil wanted to use on Austin Powers. The laptop did not appear to be shooting randomly, as it struck and killed the two executives who suggested maybe there should be more to music than just a good beat. The others escaped, and the few who were able to shake off their nerves enough to speak vowed to continue making the sort of music which won’t get them killed.

The computer is not expected to face trial, since computers don’t kill people, people who try to make executive decisions to make the music industry more socially conscious kill themselves by upsetting computers.