Marie Kondo Seeks Machine to Reorganize Weather

 

 

After achieving worldwide fame helping people be happier inside their houses, organization expert Marie Kondo wants to help people be happier outside their houses as well by remedying uncomfortable weather-related situations throughout the world.

After hearing about the storms and brutally cold weather affecting the United States, which is the source of much of her audience for her Netflix series, Ms. Kondo knew she had to do something to help her fans and hate-watchers. Speaking through a translator, she asked “Does this frigid weather spark joy?”

The answer, of course, is no. With wind chills under zero degrees Fahrenheit, the weather hasn’t been conducive to sparking cigarette lighters, let alone joy. And since she knew the answer before she asked the question, Ms. Kondo told reporters that since this cold weather didn’t spark joy it has to be thrown out. Anything under thirty degrees Fahrenheit, this number being arrived upon because it is cold enough for snow but warm enough for wanting to be outside in the snow, would have to be thrown out.

This proved baffling for most reporters, so much so that they pretended the exchange didn’t even happen. Only Glue News stuck with the story, pressing on to see exactly what she meant. She couldn’t have meant literally throwing out the cold like a tchotchke which has lost all sentimental value, since this will have no effect on the temperature but may eventually lead to the hospital needing to throw away part of your finger. Frostbite does not spark joy.

Her actual plan involves weather machines. Take warm air from areas with far too much of it and bring the warmth to cold areas. Maybe blast a bunch of artificial sun into regions affected by the cold snap until it’s not so cold any more. This is a difficult plan to carry out, since any scientists with the potential ability to build such a machine are imaginary or imprisoned or would never make such a thing because of the potential devastating effects on the planet and also because that’s not really how weather works.

But difficult is not impossible, as has been proven by some of the most challenging decluttering jobs. And maybe this is impossible. But even if it is, is that any reason to give up?

Perhaps it is, if you’re a boring, sensible person who is grounded firmly in reality. But where’s the joy in that?

 

 

Citing Demogorgon Invasion, Trump Declares National Emergency

Donald Trump recently made a speech advising all Americans to stay safely indoors for the foreseeable future due to the risk posed by demogorgons from the Upside-Down.

Demogorgons are monsters which have been observed multiple times on camera, and this footage has been seen by millions of people. Their extreme quickness and seemingly limitless hunger is reminiscent of the velociraptors from Jurassic Park, but unlike velociraptors the demogorgons are not confined to an island off the coast of Central America. They have been spotted in the mainland United States, in a small town called Hawkins, Indiana, and once a life-threatening menace hits Middle America it has the potential to spread across the entire country.

Recognizing this threat and vowing to keep it under control, President Trump gave a brief speech warning all Americans to take extreme caution until the demogorgons have been destroyed, as well as outlining a plan of action to get rid of the demogorgons. While the mainstream media did not air this speech due to its refusal to recognize demogorgons as a legitimate threat, TotesRealNews was there and recorded what Mr. Trump said. The text of the speech is reproduced below:

I have come to speak to you about a very real danger, and this danger is called demogorgons. The fake news media won’t talk to you about them because they would rather try to take me down with nonsense about Russia, but these demogorgons are bad news. I saw them on TV, and believe me, they are worse than Mexicans. None of these demogorgons are very good people, or even people, I can tell you that.

They are so bad that you all should stay somewhere safe until these demogorgons have been dealt with. I know some of you will be disappointed about missing Halloween, but you would not even be able to enjoy Halloween with these demogorgons around. They will eat all your candy, and then they will eat you. Maybe they eat you first. Who knows? But what I do know is how important it is to take action now, and so I have a plan. It is a very good plan, quite possibly the best plan, and I will tell you about it now.

The first thing we are going to do is build a wall. We will build a very big wall, and a very strong wall, and we will build it around Hawkins, Indiana so the demogorgons can’t get out. Hawkins will pay for it, and if they don’t then we will find a way to get this wall built since it is such an important wall. When this is all over then maybe we will pick this wall up and bring it to the border with Mexico, but right now we are going to focus on building this wall to keep us safe from demogorgons.

The other thing we are going to do is conduct a lot of very quick research on the best way to defeat demogorgons. That means all investigations about Russia or whatever else have to be suspended immediately to focus on the real danger, which is demogorgons. Seriously, they will eat you. Even if Russia and my campaign did anything wrong, which I assure you they didn’t, we would never eat you. Trump Tower taco bowls taste so much better.

Once again, do not go outside, but if you must go outside then visit Donald J. Trump dot com, where you will be able to purchase demogorgon survival kits as long as they haven’t been removed by hackers. Only two hundred dollars, plus shipping and handling.

At press time, no formal plans have been made to build a wall in Indiana, but ISIS has claimed responsibility for the demogorgons. And hackers had apparently visited Donald Trump’s online store, removing one item from the website.

 

 

 

Congress Recruits Phil Jackson to Fix Health Care

Phil Jackson, the legendary coach for the Bulls and Lakers and unforgettable team executive for the New York Knicks, found a new job the same day he lost his old one. He will now bring his unique, if somewhat muddled, vision to try to fix another disappointing institution: the American health care industry.

The timing was apparently perfect, with the Senate giving up on passing its most recent health care bill at about the same time the Knicks gave up on Phil Jackson. And despite being rejected by the team where he won his first NBA championship, Mr. Jackson dusted himself right off and got to work on trying to design a winning health care strategy for the American people.

Within an hour of accepting the job, Mr. Jackson rolled out the basics of his health care strategy. It would be a triangle system, called the Triangle Defense because of the defense it would provide against threats to Americans’ well-being. The triangle consists of physical health, mental health, and staying off private property which you do not own and were not invited into.

According to Mr. Jackson, as long as he is in charge of health care strategy this system must be implemented, no matter who objects against it. The amount of money being made by the complaining doctor is irrelevant, as is the amount of replicas sold of that whiny doctor’s scrubs or lab coat. All health care legislation consulted on by Mr. Jackson must cover all three facets of the triangle for all patients, although he did concede the triangle does not need to be equilateral so perhaps the last point doesn’t require as much focus as the others.

This preliminary health plan is not without its critics, as many are saying Phil Jackson seems overly concerned with keeping kids off his lawn, especially since the lawn which Phil Jackson wanted a 33-year-old, six-foot-eight kid to leave is no longer Phil Jackson’s lawn. The plan has also been blasted for failing to address how this health care plan would be paid for, but such criticisms were shrugged off. Mr. Jackson countered by saying “If the talent is good enough, it doesn’t matter how much money we have. All we need is a doctor with Michael Jordan’s skills helping with physical health, and a Pippen-level doctor for mental health, and then a Shaq-type doctor for safety counseling or whatever you want to call it, and have that in hospitals and such throughout the country, and we will make America healthy again.”

Mr. Jackson signed a five-year contract for an undisclosed sum, and assured the public they should temper their expectations and not anticipate any tangible improvements for at least two years. And the U.S. Sicks will struggle for even longer if the midterm elections do not lead to a significant shake-up in Congressional makeup.

Everybody Is Dead

The Internet – According to reliable sources, everybody in the world is now dead. This is because every cause of hysteria is totally justified, and these real and not-at-all-overblown dangers led to the deaths of seven billion humans, nearly all of whom believe they are still alive.

These totally trustworthy sources put the death toll from vaccinations at hundreds of millions in the United States alone. This seems like an unrealistically high number, but it makes sense when one considers that everyone who receives vaccinations gets autism and dies. From autism. This happens because despite the scientific community’s assertions to the contrary, autism is more dangerous than smallpox and polio and the measles combined. If it wasn’t, then sensible parents would never expose their children to deadly infectious diseases in order to avoid what a few celebrities claim increases the risk of autism.

Genetically modified foods have also claimed hundreds of millions of lives in the USA. Everyone who ate unnaturally large corn got appendix cancer and died. Those who had at least a milligram of high fructose corn syrup instantly developed diabetes and also died. If a genetically modified apple a day keeps the doctor away, it’s because doctors don’t treat the dead, but doctors might try to help the dead because the doctors are dead too.

Alcohol consumption has also killed hundreds of millions, and not just from alcohol poisoning. It also kills every person who has had one drink too many. This happens because everyone who drinks alcohol to the point of intoxication is an alcoholic, and the one extra drink invariably turns the drinker from a reasonable human being into someone who will steal a cop car and drive it down the wrong side of the highway. And driving a police car down the wrong side of the highway with compromised reflexes is at least as deadly as consuming the dreaded gluten, which is also responsible for hundreds of millions of deaths in the United States of America.

Cell phones and microwave ovens and other pieces of technology which utilize radiation have also killed everyone who used them. Mostly from cancer, but also from car crashes and getting bludgeoned on the head with an electronic device by a partner upset about time spent staring at a screen. If something happens at all then it happens all the time, so the latter example might be quite common and the other two causes of technology-related death are definitely frequent occurrences. Chances are reading this is killing you, especially if you are using a cell phone, but that may not make much of a difference because, according to the aforementioned reliable sources, you are dead already.

Not everyone can afford health care or technology or cars, but those who cannot are not safe either, as billions died from shame over not being able to afford those things. This is a worldwide phenomenon because everyone shares Western values, which is why it is so perplexing that some people get extremely upset over the USA’s cultural aggression.

Other common causes of death are laughing too much, making a serious statement which brings death to the buttocks and then throughout the whole body, telling bad jokes at a comedy club, and being murdered by one’s own clothing. People tend to make a much bigger deal over vaccinations than they do about the dangers of a killer wardrobe, but perhaps they shouldn’t, since the chances of dying from each are nearly identical.

Like there are some exceptions to Donald Trump making money from Russia and it still counts as the 45th President not having financial ties to Russia, there are some exceptions to everyone being dead and that doesn’t change the fact that everyone is dead. Keith Richards is still alive, and so is Chuck Norris because he roundhouse kicked the vaccine needle before it could give him deadly autism, but just about everyone else is dead. Statistically, adjusted for outliers, everyone is dead and there is nothing which will change that. All one can do is keep on dying and try not to be too dead to breathe.

Donald Trump Resigns Bill Banning Hyphens

The Internet – Facing persistent allegations of illegal communication with Russia as well as of general incompetence, Donald Trump has resigned a Congressional bill banning hyphens, which is expected to shift the media narrative away from the alleged treason. Mr. Trump would have signed the legislation only once, but a sudden hand cramp rendered his initial signature incomplete, and he was therefore forced to resign the bill.

This new law took effect immediately after Donald Trump resigned it, which is why this article has no hyphens in it. The dashlike line at the beginning of the article is an en dash, not a hyphen, so there have been no hyphen use violations committed. Which is fortunate, because this TotesReal law carries a two hundred dollar fine for hyphen use, which provides ample incentive to fully separate or fully combine words which are normally hyphenated.

The official justification for this law is to fight political correctness, which is not directly related to the repeated refusal of American politicians to govern correctly. It has been determined that most accepted hyphenated terms for racial and ethnic distinctions are favored by liberals, and now that the hyphenated terms are illegal, “real Americans” should have more freedom to use shorter words without being called racist, as they are merely using the only options available to them. Splitting up the formerly hyphenated terms into two words is not realistic, as exemplified by the fact that an “African American” is assumed to be someone who lives in America but was born in Africa, rather than someone whose family has been in the United States for generations but is assumed to have African ancestry.

During Congressional debates regarding this proposed law, which most people haven’t seen because most people don’t watch C-Span, it was suggested that unless the people being referred to suggested otherwise, people in America should just be referred to as  “Americans,” or as “people,” or by their names, but that was dismissed as “liberal nonsense.” Meanwhile, the ostensible liberals in the Democratic Party generally considered this bill to be nonsense, but Senate Democrats opted not to filibuster the bill because of a need to “choose battles wisely.” And therefore the bill passed in both houses of Congress, thus giving Donald Trump the opportunity to resign the bill into law.

As for the physical act of Donald Trump resigning the bill, some people are saying this could be a sign of declining health, but the White House fervently denied such implications. According to Sean Spicer, who is still Press Secretary somehow, hand cramps are perfectly normal for a man of Mr. Trump’s age, especially one who spends as much time squeezing golf clubs as Donald Trump does. Therefore, it should not have been surprising or noteworthy that Donald Trump was forced to resign the bill.

The Supreme Court is expected to eventually challenge the hyphen law that Donald Trump resigned, as it appears to violate the freedom of expression guaranteed by the First Amendment of the Constitution, but there are a lot of other cases which the Court has agreed to take which it considers to be more important. They may take it sooner than expected, however, as the fines keep piling up for inevitable hyphen use in official written opinions. But at least for the moment, the bill which Donald Trump resigned is still on the books as law.

Fortunately for grammar enthusiasts, comma use is still legal at the time of this writing. If commas were to become illegal, that would wreak far more havoc upon journalism than the elimination of hyphens. One example of the potential devastation is that without hyphens but with commas, it is proper to write “Donald Trump resigned, as president, a bill which makes hyphen use a legal violation punishable by a fine of up to $200.” Without commas, the first half of the previous sentence would be: “Donald Trump resigned as president.”

And as of this writing, Donald Trump has not resigned as president. Not yet. He only resigned the No Hyphens Bill, which is totally a real thing and not an elaborate excuse to keep writing the phrase “Donald Trump resigned.”

 

 

Dozens Dead from Scientific Illiteracy at Anti-Vax Party

Syringe, Disposable Syringe, Needle

Some people can’t bear the idea of children getting vaccinated

 

The Internet – Forty-two people attended a gathering celebrating the Trump Administration’s willingness to question the validity of vaccines, and thirty-nine of them are now dead. The official cause of death in every instance was methyl alcohol poisoning, although failure to understand science was also very much to blame.

The disease prevention opponents, who are vehemently opposed to the inclusion of thimerosal in vaccines because they are apparently unaware of the difference between ethylmercury and methylmercury, decided to throw a house party in honor of the new government’s acceptance of pseudoscience, but they ran into budgetary issues. While many vaccine opponents are quite wealthy, others aren’t, and this unfortunate group fell into the latter category, so buying common alcoholic beverages was prohibitively expensive.

What is not expensive, however, is a gallon of methanol when it is available on Amazon for eight dollars. And, much like they were unaware that ethylmercury is expelled from the human body fairly quickly while methylmercury is not and tends to cause dangerous toxicity through accumulation, most party attendees were unaware of the difference between ethanol and methanol. If all mercury is the same, then through the same logic all alcohol is the same. However, as the three non-drinking survivors soon found out first-hand, a few ounces of ethanol makes you drunk, while a few ounces of methanol makes you dead.

If this story is to be believed, which it should be because it is on the internet, what happened at that party was terribly tragic since those thirty-nine methanol drinkers are just as dead as the hundreds of millions of people who died from smallpox in the 20th century, people who died because vaccines hadn’t wiped out the disease yet.