Donald Trump Resigns Bill Banning Hyphens

The Internet – Facing persistent allegations of illegal communication with Russia as well as of general incompetence, Donald Trump has resigned a Congressional bill banning hyphens, which is expected to shift the media narrative away from the alleged treason. Mr. Trump would have signed the legislation only once, but a sudden hand cramp rendered his initial signature incomplete, and he was therefore forced to resign the bill.

This new law took effect immediately after Donald Trump resigned it, which is why this article has no hyphens in it. The dashlike line at the beginning of the article is an en dash, not a hyphen, so there have been no hyphen use violations committed. Which is fortunate, because this TotesReal law carries a two hundred dollar fine for hyphen use, which provides ample incentive to fully separate or fully combine words which are normally hyphenated.

The official justification for this law is to fight political correctness, which is not directly related to the repeated refusal of American politicians to govern correctly. It has been determined that most accepted hyphenated terms for racial and ethnic distinctions are favored by liberals, and now that the hyphenated terms are illegal, “real Americans” should have more freedom to use shorter words without being called racist, as they are merely using the only options available to them. Splitting up the formerly hyphenated terms into two words is not realistic, as exemplified by the fact that an “African American” is assumed to be someone who lives in America but was born in Africa, rather than someone whose family has been in the United States for generations but is assumed to have African ancestry.

During Congressional debates regarding this proposed law, which most people haven’t seen because most people don’t watch C-Span, it was suggested that unless the people being referred to suggested otherwise, people in America should just be referred to as  “Americans,” or as “people,” or by their names, but that was dismissed as “liberal nonsense.” Meanwhile, the ostensible liberals in the Democratic Party generally considered this bill to be nonsense, but Senate Democrats opted not to filibuster the bill because of a need to “choose battles wisely.” And therefore the bill passed in both houses of Congress, thus giving Donald Trump the opportunity to resign the bill into law.

As for the physical act of Donald Trump resigning the bill, some people are saying this could be a sign of declining health, but the White House fervently denied such implications. According to Sean Spicer, who is still Press Secretary somehow, hand cramps are perfectly normal for a man of Mr. Trump’s age, especially one who spends as much time squeezing golf clubs as Donald Trump does. Therefore, it should not have been surprising or noteworthy that Donald Trump was forced to resign the bill.

The Supreme Court is expected to eventually challenge the hyphen law that Donald Trump resigned, as it appears to violate the freedom of expression guaranteed by the First Amendment of the Constitution, but there are a lot of other cases which the Court has agreed to take which it considers to be more important. They may take it sooner than expected, however, as the fines keep piling up for inevitable hyphen use in official written opinions. But at least for the moment, the bill which Donald Trump resigned is still on the books as law.

Fortunately for grammar enthusiasts, comma use is still legal at the time of this writing. If commas were to become illegal, that would wreak far more havoc upon journalism than the elimination of hyphens. One example of the potential devastation is that without hyphens but with commas, it is proper to write “Donald Trump resigned, as president, a bill which makes hyphen use a legal violation punishable by a fine of up to $200.” Without commas, the first half of the previous sentence would be: “Donald Trump resigned as president.”

And as of this writing, Donald Trump has not resigned as president. Not yet. He only resigned the No Hyphens Bill, which is totally a real thing and not an elaborate excuse to keep writing the phrase “Donald Trump resigned.”

 

 

Trump Will Nominate Self To Supreme Court

Judge, Man, Law, Person, Standing, Court

The look on Donald Trump’s face when he’s forced to actually read documents related to Supreme Court cases

 

The Internet – Donald Trump, who is apparently still president, planned to announce his pick for the Supreme Court later today, but the word is out: he’s nominating himself.

Critics barely found the energy to pounce on such a bombshell, as they are exhausted from all the other dangerous ridiculousness coming from this administration, but those who managed to  find room for a little more outrage questioned the Constitutionality of the choice. Sean Spicer did not respond, because he was laid up at the hospital getting chewing gum removed from his digestive tract, but Kellyanne Conway stepped up to the plate, explaining that “It’s like Donald Trump’s taxes, people don’t care about that. They care about Donald Trump, they like him, and they want to see him doing as much as possible.”

Such a nomination may actually be allowed according to the Constitution, since the Ineligibility Clause only affects cases involving the Legislative Branch, and after a staffer whispered in Ms. Conway’s ear, she explained the probable legality of the choice in a rare factual statement of the non-alternative variety.

When questioned about whether Mr. Trump would have time to serve on the Supreme Court despite the time commitment required for being president, Ms. Conway explained that Mr. Trump will have plenty of time since “Steve is taking care of all the difficult aspects of the presidency, so time should not be an issue.” Then she glared at the press until anyone considering questioning Mr. Bannon’s level of influence opted not to ask such a question.

Despite the glaring, the press insisted upon asking more questions, with one reporter pointing out that even the ceremonial duties of the Head of State would require Mr. Trump to spend too much time away from Washington DC to possibly hear complicated cases, but Ms. Conway explained that Donald Trump would not have to be there because his judicial assistant would provide a brief summary of the issue at hand over the phone, and then the President/Supreme Court Justice would send his opinion to Chief Justice Roberts in a direct message on Twitter. Then, when a young reporter pointed out that John Roberts doesn’t really use Twitter, Ms. Conway countered that “He’d better start using it now if he knows what’s good for him.”

Another reporter said that Mr. Trump would likely be the most unqualified person ever appointed to the Supreme Court and therefore might have a tough time getting confirmed by the Senate. Ms. Conway replied by suggesting that this reporter should be jailed, or at least fired, for insulting the president, and that sitting Senators have nice careers at the moment and it would be a shame if something happened to those careers as a result of defying the administration.

 

After that, the reporters shuffled out of the room, dejected and terrified, just like much of the country. And many people felt that way before finding out about this nomination which, unless reality follows an alternative path to the one outlined in this article, is totally going to happen.