Small, Cartoonish, Non-Imaginary Monsters Invade World

Cut, Green, Monster

There are so many Pokemon that one of them probably looks something like this.


The Internet – People are advised to stay indoors, wearing body armor just in case, until proper Poke Balls can be manufactured, because Pokemon are real now, and lots of them are unhappy.

The duck is especially unhappy. Stay away from the duck. If you see it, walk away slowly, unless you see it on the verge of tears, which means run as fast as you can so maybe, just maybe, you will make it back home alive. It’s easy to pity the duck, as it is in a state of constant pain and its very existence might qualify as animal cruelty, but for your own safety you should leave your sympathy at home, and leave yourself at home too. Unless the duck is in your home, which means it is no longer your home.

Additionally, the little yellow one with the lightning bolt tail is not The Cheat. It will not make funny videos and it cannot be bribed with pizza. But it can send tiny lightning bolts with its tail, and it will do so if scared, and it is likely to be scared most of the time surrounded by gigantic alien-looking things such as humanity. The hospitals are full enough treating those attacked by the duck, so it is highly advised to stay away from these monsters and their electric jolts.

It is also important to know that some start off as tiny, harmless, cute mini-dinosaurs, and then evolve into giant terrifying killers. This sort of thing happens with many animals, but these Pokemon, which have gone from virtual to totally real thanks to the power of millions and millions of people being obsessed with them, can be more large and terrifying than most, with the terror enhanced by their magical powers.

If these Pokemon existed in small numbers, then it might have been possible to keep them in relatively safe environments where they could slowly learn to trust humanity and ultimately become allies, as was the case in fictional stories involving these monsters. But there are millions, and it appears they have to be captured with actual, not-imaginary-things-on-your-phone, Poke Balls, or they will overrun everything. Don’t say we didn’t warn you that this might happen from playing the game so much. We didn’t warn you, but saying so is counterproductive.

This is not a game. If it were a game, you would be automatically equipped to defend yourself. But you’re not. And don’t even think of trying to shoot them – if they sense that you have any sort of firearm they will sense you are not fighting according to the rules and then they will break the rules as well, which will be about as safe for you as two hours of off-tune karaoke with the duck.

There may be no happy ending for this invasion which you have all brought upon yourselves. But on the bright side, the need to unite against this pocket monster menace should put an end to most of the hostility by humans against other humans.

It might not, but it should.