Clinton Campaign Creates Ad Depicting Trump as Donkey Kong

 

Arcade Games, Video Games

The blue machine might have Donkey Kong, and Ms Pac-Man on the red one.

The Internet – In response to the Ms. Pac-Man ad released by the Trump campaign, Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign’s digital team worked non-stop for hours and made an ad showing Donald Trump as the iconic villain Donkey Kong from the classic arcade game.

In this ad, a huge ape with Donald Trump’s head on its body stands at the top of a series of staircases, beating his chest, and throwing giant barrels down at anyone who tries to get to the top and achieve their dreams.

The first to try to come up is a hard-working Mexican-American family, one which is certainly not the worst Mexico has to offer, just a few decent people trying to make a living in their new country. But they don’t get to make a living because Donald Kong crushes them with a barrel. Then a Muslim-American family, at least as patriotic and sympathetic as the first one, also tries to climb the ladder and also gets seriously injured by the heavy wooden object. Then a Trump-supporting woman and her baby start going up the ladder, and the baby starts crying, and they also fall victim to the Trump Barrel. Finally, a bald eagle in a red-white-and-blue top hat attempts to move from the bottom to the top, followed almost immediately by a shriek and feathers flying everywhere, as Donald Kong continues to grin and beat his chest.

This is a long ad, but the Clinton campaign decided the investment was worth it in order to spread the message that Donald Trump would destroy America, this time using language language “the young people” would understand.

Before the ad’s release, the footage somehow got leaked to Donald Trump, who said he planned on using it to support his own campaign, as it showed him taking a strong stand against his enemies, “and so what if a bird got in the way one time. There are plenty of birds.”

At that point, there was much wringing of hands and cradling of heads within the Clinton campaign, and it is uncertain whether the ad will be released, but this ad was certainly made no matter what anyone in any of the campaigns tells you.

 

Trump Officially Too Ridiculous to Satirize

The Internet – If it were possible to arrest someone based on Poe’s law, Donald Trump would be in jail for a yuge amount of time. Because at this point, it is nearly impossible to say he said or did something crazier than what he actually said or did.

Back when Trump spent his early days on the campaign trail making fun of Mexicans and Asians and handicapped reporters, incorrect people thought that such remarks would have been the nadir of a very short candidacy. Many months and one disturbing political convention later, he’s attacking the family of a fallen soldier for supporting his political opponent as well as one of his own supporters for having a crying baby, as if babies have less right to cry than a seventy-year-old man-child. And then, in the kicker, there are actual legit news sources reporting Donald Trump seriously wondered aloud why it would be a problem to use nuclear weapons.

It’s enough to give even the most stoic non-millennial a serious case of the can’t evens.

Additionally, according to something on the internet, Eminem was supposed to rewrite his hit “Lose Yourself” as an anti-Trump song for Funny or Die, but he couldn’t do it. He got as far as:

His hands are tiny, please please, can his heinie
I cannot understand this conniving, man so whiny
Succeeding; are people reading, history? Unlikely
Not just boasts, there’s some almost Third Reich speech
When he rage yells, the hate swells, crazy sells
The KKK kvells, but they won’t say they kvelled
He’s raising hell, might as well be praising hell
He’s worse for health, than a, bacon MELT!
Your face should be droppin’ jaw, when Donald scoffs at law

And gave up, claiming thinking about Donald Trump for more than the five minutes it took him to write this would hurt his soul so much he might end up relapsing on painkillers. The chorus was supposed to be something along the lines of “Donald go Trump yourself, you’re a loser, you’re hopeless,” but the chorus was never written due to the hopelessness of trying to make fun of someone so seriously awful.

“Trump,” within the context of the song, was supposed to be profanity, similar in connotation to the four-letter-word it sort of rhymes with, but worse, because being Trumped never feels good. But like other things which were supposed to happen, like a relatively reasonable conservative politician receiving the Republican nomination, this song could not be written. Because Trump has moved beyond the point of ridicule from outside sources, and into the twilight zone between reckless ambition and soulless evil.

And this may be more terrifying than anything Rod Serling ever made.

 

*Editor’s note: What was once called “TotesRealNews” is now “SuchRealNews.” The news is just as real as it always was, and where it says “Totesreal” in the text this can be mentally replaced with “suchreal” or “veryreal” or left as it is. But due to the high journalistic integrity of SuchRealNews, and definitely not laziness, all references to the previous name within articles will remain unchanged.

  • Additional note: It’s Heck Yes News now. And will likely stay that way.

 

Stein Campaign Diagnosed With Political Herpes

Germ, Bacteria, Medical, Virus

Political herpes is at least as terrible as this looks.

The Internet – The 2016 Green Party ticket, which is dedicated to electing Jill Stein as President of the United States of America, has suffered a setback due to its recent diagnosis of political herpes.

Political herpes, unlike regular herpes, is not caused by a virus and does not include physical symptoms. However, once a campaign catches political herpes, then people are advised to be wary of getting too attached to that campaign, because if a party spreads PH via the voting booth, then this can make life quite painful for those affected, and those around people with PH. The pain will not be physical pain, but it will be painful nonetheless, and the results could be extremely ugly.

The doctors who made this diagnosis, who some call political doctors and some call political spin doctors and some call made-up people who don’t exist, are very firm in their warnings against putting oneself in danger of catching political herpes. They acknowledge that it is easy to feel brokenhearted after a disappointing primary season, and it is natural to react to a broken political heart by looking for a rebound with an attractive campaign such as that of Jill Stein. Feeling such an attraction is not harmful by itself, but acting on this attraction in the voting booth can lead to a devastating case of political herpes.

Upon learning of the diagnosis, the Stein campaign was stunned, as they believed themselves to have acted in the sort of morally upstanding manner which should not have left them susceptible to any political diseases. And perhaps they did nothing terribly wrong, nothing worse than some inflammatory rhetoric delivered out of passion and unwillingness to make difficult compromises, but the fact remains. The Stein campaign has political herpes, and is expected to still have political herpes on Election Day.

Although it is unlikely, this case of political herpes can be cured if Donald Trump drops out of the presidential race and is replaced by a moderate Republican candidate whose presidency would not pose a significant and terrifying danger to the country and the world. In the case of such an eventuality, the warning to stay away would be lifted, but it cannot be stressed enough that if Ted Cruz or Mike Pence becomes the nominee then the Stein campaign will not be cured of its political herpes.

The Gary Johnson campaign has not tested positive for political herpes, because it has not been tested at all, as its strong belief in personal liberty has led it to refuse such testing. Therefore, it is recommended to treat that campaign as if it has political herpes until proven otherwise.

It is also highly recommended to avoid an Election Day relationship with the Donald Trump campaign, as it has an incurable case of political syphilis. And political diarrhea.

 

Pence Tours BS Factory, Joins Trump Ticket

New York, Taxi Cab, Trump Tower, Nyc

 

The Internet – Mikey Pence, a 57-year-old boy from Indiana, successfully completed  a tour of the Trump Tower in Manhattan yesterday, thus earning the opportunity of a lifetime to be the Republican vice-presidential nominee for the 2016 election.

Five potential candidates entered the tower, which Trump sometimes calls the BS factory due to its ability to create bon soirs, which is French for “good evenings”, but only one left as the person who would be next in line to become president of the United States of America if Trump is elected. That lucky person, the only one not to suffer any embarrassing failures in a series of challenges, was Mikey Pence.

The five vice-presidential hopefuls entered the tower, each showing a guard their golden text message, and then they were led into the Trump Grill, where they were presented with a buffet full of food associated with various ethnic groups which Trump has offended and subsequently claimed to love. The candidates were told to eat as much as they wanted to, and four of the five ate moderately, but Governor Christie apparently thought it was an eating contest and finished three platefuls of bean-heavy fare. He then had to excuse himself for an extended bathroom visit, and the tour went on without him.

After completing their lunches, the candidates were sent on a scavenger hunt for Pokemon. As none of these potential candidates are under the age of forty, they were not expected to use the Pokemon Go app, but instead to find plush dolls of the pocket monsters, which Trump was easily able to purchase because, as he frequently reminds others, he is really rich. The scavenger hunt ended fairly quickly when Sarah Palin found a Pikachu doll and did what she always does when she finds what she is looking for during a hunt. Soon afterwards, security removed her from the premises for unsafe firearm use, and then there were three.

The three who remained continued the tour, eventually stopping in a nightclub, where  attractive female exotic dancers danced exotically. Mikey Pence and Teddy Cruz took this opportunity to pray for the souls of sinners everywhere, and while Teddy was seen sneaking several long looks at the dancers, this was not against the rules. Newt Gingrich, on the other hand, made it rain, which was also allowed, but moving on to the next part of the tour required a small tip to hotel staff, and Newt spent all the cash in his pocket on the strippers so he was unable to move on.

Finally, Teddy and Mikey were told to take the elevator up to Donald Trump’s penthouse, where the first one there would be officially named to the ticket.  Mikey was assigned an elevator very slightly to the left of Teddy’s, and the race was on. Teddy made it to his elevator almost a full minute before Mikey, but the elevators were programmed to stop one time for each colleague that the candidate upset within the past five years, which made for slow rides for both of them, but young Teddy’s ride was significantly slower. So Mike Pence emerged at the top as the winner, and accepted his prize as Teddy hurled obscenities from what he came to see as a not-great-at-all glass elevator.

In subsequent interviews with mainstream media sources, all of the contestants, as well as Trump Tower employees, are likely to deny that this ever occurred. Some contestants may even deny that they were in the running for the nomination. Nevertheless, this totally happened.

 

*Editor’s note: What was once called “TotesRealNews” is now “SuchRealNews.” The news is just as real as it always was, and where it says “Totesreal” in the text this can be mentally replaced with “suchreal” or “veryreal” or left as it is. But due to the high journalistic integrity of SuchRealNews, and definitely not laziness, all references to the previous name within articles will remain unchanged.

Trump Names Clinton as Veep Pick

Trump, Facade, Identity, Question

 

The Internet – Donald Trump has chosen his vice presidential pick a full day ahead of schedule, and he has chosen Hillary Clinton. This is seen as a controversial choice, as Ms. Clinton is a Democrat and also Donald Trump’s presumptive opponent in the general election, but Mr. Trump defended his choice in the press release reproduced below:

I am proud to introduce Secretary Clinton as my running mate for the upcoming election. This will not be a traditional partnership, as she will not be joining me on the campaign trail because she will be running her own crooked campaign instead, but she is still the best choice for my vice president for several reasons.

The first reason is to provide balance on the ticket. The Republican Party is the Party of Lincoln, and Lincoln taught us the importance of picking someone very different in order to appeal to as many voters as possible. By choosing a woman with mostly liberal policies and Southern roots and a background of strong religious faith as well as demonstrated respect for actual facts, this should help our ticket cover almost all of the voting demographics. This will be especially effective in getting the votes of independent voters who want a conservative ticket, but not an insanely conservative ticket.

Additionally, our campaign decided to make this choice to show how my supporters are the best supporters, who will support me no matter what. I’ve already said I could commit a capital offense in plain sight and they’d vote for me, and I still believe that to be true. However, I cannot do such a thing, since even with the best lawyers I would still probably have a tough time campaigning from prison. But what I can do is show that my supporters are so great that they will vote for me even if I pick Crooked Hillary as my vice president. And they are the greatest, so even putting Crooked Hillary on the ticket won’t stop any of them from voting for me.

Finally, I have made this decision to keep me motivated to continue performing my job as president. After all, being president is hard work, and far less profitable than running for president, so if my vice president was a fellow conservative then when the going got tough, it would be tough not to get going back to the hotel business. But if quitting means Crooked Hillary becomes president, I promise you I would never, ever do that. I swear on my record of integrity as a businessman and political candidate that once I am president and she is vice president, I will do everything in my power to make sure it stays that way.

Thank you, and God – who, by the way, I have a great personal relationship with – bless America.

When reached for comment on this decision, Secretary Clinton shook her head and laughed, and then said she was going to take a short break from campaigning to go furniture shopping.

Trump Names John Miller as Campaign Manager

Invisible Man, Spy, Agent, Anonymous

The Internet – After firing his old campaign manager, whose name everyone forgot already, Donald Trump has named a new campaign manager, and that manager is totally real Trump spokesperson John Miller.

“John will be a great campaign manager” Trump said before being asked about it. “He will be the best manager, and he will do that by keeping a low profile, unlike that other guy who didn’t keep a low profile. You will never, ever see John, not because he is a vampire or an imaginary person, but because an important task such as helping make America great requires a certain amount of privacy. And the more privacy, the better. So he will have the most privacy.”

When asked about Mr. Miller’s qualifications, Mr. Trump said, “He is very qualified. He is the most qualified. I have known John for a long time, and I know him like I know myself. It’s almost like he was created just to work for me, that’s how qualified he is to head the Trump campaign.”

When asked if it might be suspicious for the campaign manager not to be seen at campaign events or anywhere else, Trump scoffed at the notion. “C’mon,”he scoffed. “Are you serious? Have you paid attention to my campaign so far? If they’re still supporting me after all the ridiculous things I’ve said and done, do you really think they’re going to be put off by this? But don’t quote me on this. Please, I beg you, don’t write down anything I said recently.”

We’re totally quoting him on this. Whether he said it or not.

 

 

*Editor’s note: What was once called “TotesRealNews” is now “SuchRealNews.” The news is just as real as it always was, and where it says “Totesreal” in the text this can be mentally replaced with “suchreal” or “veryreal” or left as it is. But due to the high journalistic integrity of SuchRealNews, and definitely not laziness, all references to the previous name within articles will remain unchanged.

Poker National Committee Declares 2016 Main Event Champion

 

Ace, Jack, Lady, Stock And As, Heart

The Internet – No matter what happens in Las Vegas in July, the World Series Main Event champion for 2016 will be Phil Ivey.

According to Poker National Committee chairperson Diana Waxman-Binion, leaving the Main Event up to chance and actual results is too risky. When you do that, as in last year, the person who is supposed to represent the poker world to the non-poker world could be someone like Joe McKeehen, who has no interest in acting as a poker ambassador. And that, according to Ms. Waxman-Binion, is not acceptable, which is why the champion has to be chosen in advance.

While Ivey is the presumptive champion, and barring an unforeseen turn of events will win the championship bracelet along with millions of dollars, the game still will be played, with all but the top three places available to the general public as long as interested parties raise enough money to get in the game.

The second place finisher is expected to be Daniel Negreanu, the likable and passionate northerner who has the ability to provide enough of a challenge to Ivey to make it seem like a legitimate competition. Third place will go to Vanessa Selbst, marking the highest ever Main Event finish by a woman. And fourth, according to Waxman-Binion, could be you.

The main reason for choosing Ivey as champion, rather than the more popular Negreanu, is his perceived qualification for the title. Ivey is an experienced and talented poker player who has long been seen as arguably more deserving of the championship than anyone else. He has come close multiple times, including once in the late 2000’s when, fairly late in the game, it looked like he was going to win the whole thing. His qualifications are so impeccable that a relative lack of recent success, and allegations of cheating in casinos which held up in court, do not serve as deterrents. Barring a series of unforeseen events, he will be the winner, and that’s that.

Waxman-Binion further explained that Ivey, Negreanu, and Selbst will not be required to play in July since preliminary rounds, when conducted remotely fairly, can be far too unpredictable. Instead, the non-chosen candidates for WSOP prize money will play until six players remain, and those six will join the chosen professionals in November. At the final table, Ivey will start with 60 percent of the chips, Negreanu will have twenty percent, Selbst will have ten percent, and the remaining ten percent will be divided among the six others, proportionally, based on their chip stacks at the end of July.

Ivey, Negreanu, and Selbst are all expected to object to this arrangement, claiming they want to win fairly based on talent and a little bit of luck, but their objections will be irrelevant. This is bigger than they are, it has already been decided, and it cannot be changed.

At least, it cannot be changed without something unexpected happening. And unexpected things can’t be expected to happen.

 

 

*Timely update: The 2016 World Series of Poker champion was not Phil Ivey, perhaps because the PPC read this article and decided a change of plans was in order.

Presidential Endorsement: Vermin Supreme

Boots, Art, Nature, Pictures, Modern Art

Giant boots, where Vermin Supreme probably lives

The Internet – TotesRealNews has decided on a preferred candidate for the upcoming election, and that candidate is Vermin Supreme.

The reasons for this endorsement are numerous, meaning numbering more than one. The first reason is Mr. Supreme may be the only candidate from Earth, and the Constitution strongly implies, and perhaps even directly states, that an American President must be from Earth. Donald Trump is clearly from Mars, Bernie Sanders appears to be from Socialist Prime, Gary Johnson is from Notaxistan, which is a planet and not a Former Soviet Republic, and Hillary Clinton is from all over the place. But Vermin Supreme is from Earth, since as many TV shows have made clear the truly strangest individuals are always from Earth – the ones from other planets are merely very, very foreign.

Vermin Supreme is not only from Earth, but also American, which is another important qualification for a president. Naming oneself “Vermin” is the sort of thing which would be done either by an American or a British person, and due to Mr. Supreme’s platform emphasizing dental hygiene, it is quite difficult to believe he could possibly be British.

Mr. Supreme’s qualifications for the presidency extend well beyond the probability that he is a natural-born American citizen. Another strong selling point is his promise of ponies for everyone. Who doesn’t want a pony? If you really think about it, the answer is lots of people. Ponies take up space many people don’t have, and they are a lot of trouble to feed and clean and clean up after. And they don’t even move very quickly. So if you only give ponies to those who still want one even after knowing what they’d be getting into, this is a far more affordable plan than what the other candidates have been proposing. It is easily affordable enough to look past the total lack of clear economic benefits associated with this plan.

Finally, a vote for Vermin Supreme is a vote for improved national security. America has faced numerous threats over the past few decades, with these threats often being supported by widespread international fear of the United States of America. But if the USA was led by someone who looks like the Hogwarts Professor of Making Sure Not to Look Like a Muggle, and also looks like he can’t do any actual magic, then America’s enemies would see little reason to be afraid of the United States, and therefore there would be far fewer attacks.

No matter what party nominates him, or even if he isn’t nominated at all, if you respect the journalistic opinions of TotesRealNews then you should vote for Vermin Supreme in November.

 

 

*Editor’s note: What was once called “TotesRealNews” is now “SuchRealNews.” The news is just as real as it always was, and where it says “Totesreal” in the text this can be mentally replaced with “suchreal” or “veryreal” or left as it is. But due to the high journalistic integrity of SuchRealNews, and definitely not laziness, all references to the previous name within articles will remain unchanged.

God Gives Up on Humanity, Blames Louie Gohmert

Angry, Expression, God, Bearded, Face

The supernatural being God, best known for his work creating everything except for himself and for his frequent involvement in the minutiae of human life, has said he is done helping humans for now. The reasoning behind this decision is that if the United States of America is the most powerful country in the world, and the Republicans are a powerful enough political party to control Congress and prevent the Supreme Court confirmation of a totally harmless, non-controversial judge, and the Republican party successfully got someone like Louie Gohmert elected to Congress more than once, then there may be no more hope for humanity. It’s either another flood or giving up, and floods are too much work with too much collateral damage, so giving up it is.

Gohmert has made a name for himself with outlandish statements which he apparently believes to be true, and the latest one may not have been the worst, but it was the last straw. “I couldn’t even listen to the whole thing,” God said, “But I heard something about homosexuality being unnatural because gay astronauts can’t reproduce in space, and after hearing that I am appalled at what has come to be. Like the young people say these days, I literally can’t even.”

“First of all,” he continued, “Gay people can reproduce when they really want to. Men who prefer the company of men have been fathering children for millennia, and perhaps longer. The process may be more difficult than usual, and may require feats of the imagination almost as powerful as whatever causes Mr. Gohmert to believe what he believes, but it can be done. Unlike me dealing with humanity right now.

“And what’s this about it being unnatural? Do preferences change from eating some sort of genetically modified gay grapes? Does a man-made pink motorcycle cause a man to start wanting to wear pink and watch Chippendale’s shows? Of course not. I think I might know a bit about how nature works, and some women are naturally attracted to women and some men are naturally attracted to men. Brain chemistry and hormone levels are different in different people, because if it was all the same, then humanity would be boring, which would be kind of terrible.

“Humanity, or at least the part of humanity which is responsible for Louie Gohmert being an important person, is kind of terrible, which is why I am giving up for the moment. However, my mind could change if humanity gets its act together a little bit, or if I go to a great heavenly barbecue this weekend which lifts my spirits to the point of forgiving those who haven’t earned it.”

This sounds like devastating news. Here’s hoping for a great barbecue in heaven, since if this testimony is to be believed then that is likely our only chance at not being forsaken anymore.