Avocado Club: David Wolfe is Toast!

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Not a picture of David Wolfe



The Avocado Club, which calls itself North America’s foremost association of avocado aficionados, has thoroughly denounced internet celebrity David Wolfe, calling him toast.

Avocado Club leadership has been opposed to toast for a significant amount of time, ever since avocado toast gained a reputation as a favorite food of urban millennials, the people who allegedly chose to spend their money on things like avocado toast rather than saving up their cash to eventually invest in purchasing a home. According to the Avocado Club, from that point on toast was something which makes avocados look bad. And since David Wolfe, who has been putting “Avocado” in his name for years, makes avocados look bad, David Wolfe has been declared toast and is now being asked to remove the fruit from his name.

Ronnie Avocado (not his birth name), president of the Avocado Club, had this to say on the matter:

David Wolfe? More like AvocadNO! Yeah, yeah, it’s a bad joke, but not as bad of a joke as all this nonsense this fake avocado keeps trying to shove down our throats when our throats should be getting more delicious avocados. Like, how is anybody supposed to appreciate the savory flavor of the greatest sandwich fruit ever made when they are dead? Because if they get bad flu because David Notvocado told them some lies about mercury so they skip the vaccine, that’s how you get dead people.

And when you get the stomach flu because you drank some raw water full of all-natural e-coli, how much appetite for avocados are you going to have? Most likely none, and that’s how much respect we have for David “Toast” Wolfe.

People worship his every word like he’s some sort of holy man, like he’s some sort of guacamole man, but really he’s more of a toilet bowly man. If you can see me and believe in the realness of my being, then believe this: If David Wolfe keeps calling himself what he is not, then the Avocado Club will be forced to take this turkey to court. Where we may o’ may not take all his money. Okay, yeah, that’s enough. I’ll stop now.

At press time, the Avocado Club was debating whether to try to get the avocado, lettuce and tomato sandwich renamed to avoid association with the alt-right.

Also, incidentally, there is no record of anyone ever seeing Ronnie Avocado, but according to words on the internet he is apparently a real person.

Flat Earth Missionaries Almost Sail Off Edge

The Internet – A group of missionaries representing the Flat Earth Society nearly met its doom yesterday when heavy winds almost pushed their boat off the furthermost reaches of the West Pacific, but the Earth miraculously extended by at least a hundred miles in order to save this ship of truth-tellers.

The mission, which didn’t include famous flat-earthers Shaquille O’Neal and Kyrie Irving in case the ship went too far and the planetary borders didn’t move to save the missionaries, left the San Francisco Bay on May 7th for the Hawaiian island of Kauai. ┬áThe purpose of the mission was to warn the natives about the dangers of sailing west, in case they thought that those who sailed westward and hadn’t returned merely moved to another island instead of falling into outer space.

The missionaries could have chartered a plane thanks to celebrity funding, but they couldn’t make that choice due to fear. Because visibility can be limited in the cloudy skies, a plane moving 500 miles per hour could easily have gone from the West Pacific troposphere to the killer vacuum of outer space before the pilots had a chance to react. Therefore, they chose to sail a boat which traveled about 300 miles per day, which seemed like a safe option until the winds came.

When the winds came, the missionary ship had already passed Maui, Oahu, and Hawaii, and the shores of Kauai were in sight. Then heavy winds pushed the ship past its destination, past the private island of Niihau, and at least fifty miles past what should have been the edge of the world. But thanks to what must have been fast and drastic divine intervention, and definitely not due to the Earth not being flat, the ship survived the winds, paving the way for its passengers to complete their mission.

This mission is expected to be successful, as the residents of Kauai are certain to believe the Earth was expanded in order to allow the missionaries to live and preach, and the flat-earthers are not going to be mocked at all. Because everybody knows that everything which seems like overwhelming evidence of a round Earth is fake news.