Radical Islam Indicted on Multiple Counts of Murder

Gavel, Justice, Wooden, Mallet


The Internet – A Texas Grand Jury has recently decided radical Islam – not an unfortunately named human being but the vaguely defined ideological term – should stand trial for multiple murders throughout the state.

According to grand jury foreman Chris Murka, “Radical Islam has caused far too much trouble in this great country. As I have always said, guns don’t kill people, radical Islam kills people. It is like a virus, and once it infects people they are no longer in control of their own actions and they will just start murdering everyone, and you can’t hold people accountable for such actions, so it is obviously radical Islam’s fault.”

A juror who asked not to be named due to opinions which could be dangerous in Texas argued that what is called radical Islam is often just an excuse for angry people to lash out against the world, which caused Murka to get angry and strike the juror, exclaiming that he didn’t follow Islam, radical or otherwise, but maybe this dissenting juror did so maybe she should go back to Afghanistan.

When asked how radical Islam would be punished if found guilty of the murders, as you cannot jail an intangible concept, Murka said, “We’re gonna kill it. We’re gonna kill it with guns. Everyone who has been infected with the radical Islam virus will be rounded up and shot so it won’t be able to spread to others.”

When asked whether such policies, which could be construed as xenophobic and possibly genocidal, could lead to increased radicalization and anti-American sentiment, Murka was not discouraged. “If the hate spreads, then we will destroy the hate where it spreads to by shooting the hateful person in the head, and will keep doing so until all radicalism is destroyed.”

At that point, nobody shot Murka in the head because most people in the room either agreed with him or were afraid to express dissent. Additionally, the grand jurors were not allowed to carry firearms during the proceedings, and it is illegal to kill someone just because you disagree with that person.

Radical Islam is expected to receive a court-appointed attorney, since despite all its alleged power the defendant does not have any actual money to its name.