Every three months, the NYC Roach Association holds its quarterly meeting, speaking in roach language about the issues most important to roaches. As very few people understand roach language, it was hard to tell if a meeting was taking place, let alone what exactly what was being said. In fact, no human was ever able to transcribe the minutes of a roach meeting before today.
It wasn’t easy, but here is Huzzah News’s exclusive look into the minds of roaches, written with the intent of maintaining the roach point of view:
Item 1: Survival Tactics
Humans are becoming more efficient killers. Poison spray leads to inevitable heart explosion. How can we combat this?
Suggestion: Get better at running. If something sounds like killer spray, get away as soon as possible.
Request for volunteer to organize a roach running training program meets with no success. Elder statesroach proclaims it is physically impossible to outrun the murder spray, suggests we instead conduct programs to help young roaches recognize spray residue from afar so they can avoid it before inhaling it.
Resolved: The elder statesroach who made this suggestion can try to educate the young roaches, but good luck to him.
Suggestion: Make humans less inclined to kill roaches, perhaps by improving physical appearance. Humans seem to achieve this goal for themselves through clothing and cosmetic aids, perhaps the roach community could achieve attractiveness through similar means.
The assembled shared a hearty chuckle about this suggestion and then smothered the individual who suggested it for stupidity unbefitting to the species.
Suggestion: Make humans less opposed to roaches by providing a useful service. Perhaps we could start making a concerted effort to start eating mosquitoes.
Problem: While we are not opposed to the eating of mosquitoes, since we are not opposed to the eating of anything, the physical act of killing and eating a mosquito might prove difficult, since mosquito movement has the unfortunate tendency to be quick and airborne.
Suggestion: Mosquitoes have to sleep eventually. Wait for them to doze off and then pounce.
This drew the response that while roaches have many talents, pouncing is not one of them. We are very good at not getting killed as long as our hearts don’t explode. Killing is not such a strong suit. Trying will probably end up waking the mosquito up and the newly awakened mosquito will probably attack.
The assembled were unsure if being bitten by a mosquito would spread any additional, noticeable diseases, but catching another illness is unlikely to aid survival rates.
Additionally, even if we managed to kill mosquitoes, the humans would not know. It is rather naive to assume a human would notice bug bites are less frequent and assume the relief is thanks to the noble heroism of the roach community. Less frequent itching might get humans more focused on ridding their homes of roaches, which is obviously not ideal.
The Roach Association voted down the suggestion to kill mosquitoes, but did not kill the one who suggested it because if we made a habit of doing such things, the species might be extinct within two billion human years.
Suggestion: Spend most of our time outside. That way we would not be on human radar, and there would be plenty of dirt and water and edible waste products around.
Problem: There would also be too much sunlight and ecological competition. Additionally, we would no longer be able to surreptitiously read human books and therefore develop the sort of vocabulary which enables optimal communication during meetings such as these.
Conclusion: Change nothing, and continue passing on your acquired wisdom to your descendants, if possible, so they will potentially be able to come up with something at the next meeting.