USA Swimmers Robbed At Funpoint

Beer Mug, Beverage, Foam, Liquor

The Internet – Despite reports to the contrary by Brazilian officials, Ryan Lochte and three other members of the USA Olympic Swim Team were robbed earlier this week. They were robbed of their sobriety, their dignity, and their ability to act like rational human beings. And this robbery, like many other similar incidents, took place at funpoint.

In this particular case, Fun, which is not the band but the totally real anthropomorphic personification of having a good time, pointed at the four swimmers and gave them a short speech. “If you want me,” it said. “If you want to have fun, I will tell you what you need to do. You need to drink alcohol, and then you need to drink more alcohol. If you think you’ve had enough to drink, you haven’t. Take more shots. If you can understand yourself thinking at all, then you’re not having enough fun and you need to drink more. After all, you are racers, are you not? You enter races, and you win races, which means you go all out or you don’t bother at all. And this is a time to celebrate, so go all out. It will be fun.”

It might be easy to place the blame on the swimmers, to say funpoint is no excuse to give in to such temptation, but it is easy to place blame from afar. However, almost nobody in the world could have been in their position and resisted the urge to get dangerously drunk. Maybe Michael Phelps, but not everyone can be superhuman. Most humans can’t even earn a spot on a successful USA ¬†Olympic Swim Team, let alone get on the team and celebrate responsibly. So the blame should be placed upon Fun, and not the swimmers.

Brazilian authorities have refused to try to arrest Fun, citing doubts about the existence of such a physical being, and also claiming that while you can stop Fun temporarily, when you do so it disappears, so you might as well try to arrest a virus. And if a virus could be arrested, zika and countless others would have been jailed long ago.

However, viruses and anthropomorphic personifications cannot be arrested, so people will be robbed at funpoint every day. And the only thing authorities will do about it is blame the victims.