Mark Cuban Trolls Trump by Inking Deal to Play for Mavericks

In what appears to be an elaborate dig at President Trump, multi-billionaire Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban has signed the largest contract in sports history to play for his own team. If he passes his physical,  the 61-year-old will receive 600 million dollars through the 2032-33 season to play professional basketball.

The entrepreneur and NBA Celebrity All-Star Game participant convinced GM Donnie Nelson to offer him this enormous contract after a recent five-minute workout preceding Mavs practice which, according to Cuban, showed how he is an incredibly talented basketball player and deserves every penny of this contract. He also provided Heck Yes News with an account of his workout in order to show how impressive it was, and that account is reproduced directly below:

 

When I got onto the court, the first thing I did was run across it. The whole way. Not just the first few steps, which are easy and anyone can do, but thirty, no, thirty-five steps to run across all 90 feet of the court. The last five steps were a little difficult, and I felt myself getting a little out of breath, but I took them all. And while Kristaps Porzingis is a great player, I guarantee you that he wouldn’t have taken all thirty-five steps. He’d probably take about half of those, maybe less, and then stop because he’d be at the other end of the court already.

Then I took a few seconds to catch my breath before doing lay-up drills. I might have been a little rusty so I missed the first, but then I made my next four shots. Kissed them off the glass. I didn’t even ask, I just started kissing them. When you’re a star of Shark Tank, and also own the team that’s about to practice, they let you do it.

And let me tell you, that’s not so easy either. Not everyone can make a lay-up. Many people can’t make a lay-up at all. Very small children. Most people over a hundred years old. Charles Smith. Knicks fans know what I’m talking about. And I know what I’m talking about when I say I would be an absolutely incredible NBA player.

After the lay-ups, I took some free throws. Maybe fifteen, and every single one hit at least some part of the basket. Amazing, I know, but I did it because I’m just that good. Five in particular, I remember just how they went, in order. Short, brick, rimmed out, rattled in, swish. If you asked me again in ten minutes, I’d tell you short, brick, rimmed out, rattled in, and swish, in that order, because that’s how high my basketball IQ is. I will probably remember this two years from now and remind people every chance I get because of how impressive this is.

Speaking of impressive, there was no time for 3-point shots, so I took two shots from the three point line on the other side of the court. I shot airballs. Two beautiful airballs. In the first beautiful, embarrassing airball, I used a two-handed shooting motion and the ball passed the net about a foot to the left and a couple of feet under it. Then I threw the other one as high and hard as I could, and it went over the backboard. I might have injured my shoulder, but I expect a clean bill of health. The team doctors will say that I have the greatest shoulder they have ever seen, and that no one else in the world has a shoulder quite as strong as mine.

But right now, it really hurts, and I need to get it iced pronto.

When reached for comment, team officials said they were not concerned about this contract and the havoc it would wreak on the team’s salary cap, let alone how much of a liability he would be on the court when it comes to basketball ability. The contract is expected to be voided due to a failed physical. He hurt his shoulder, and if that’s not bad enough, something else will be found. Possible arthritis. Probable chronic tendinitis. Long-in-the-tooth syndrome. Bone spurs.

Yeah, probably bone spurs.

 

Punxsutawney Phil Predicts Six More Weeks of Panicking About Coronavirus

Famous groundhog Punxsutawney Phil coughed while searching for his shadow this morning, which means that there will be six more weeks of worrying that any sign of respiratory illness might be the dreaded new coronavirus.

Onlookers prayed fervently that Phil would not cough, so that they would not have to worry about the spread of this coronavirus. They hoped to focus their anxiety on other matters like the precarious state of democracy worldwide, or unseasonably warm temperatures causing wildfires, or what they should bring to the Superbowl party less than twelve hours away, but no such luck. Phil coughed, so now they have to worry about the coronavirus for six more weeks.

If not for the fateful cough, there would have been a chance of a reasonable response to this health scare after the initial panic. Most people might have realized that this strain of the coronavirus is primarily confined to animals, and while humans can spread it they cannot do so as easily as they could with the flu. They might have realized that while this virus poses a severe risk to those with compromised immune systems or damaged respiratory systems, the same is true for most viruses affecting the lungs and bronchi.  And they might have realized that eight confirmed cases in a country of over 300 million means it’s very unlikely they will come into contact with the virus. But the groundhog coughed, so there will be panic.

Many Americans are now avoiding people who were in Asia like they had the plague, and there are also talks of a temporary travel ban and racism to go along with it. But it will get worse. Bats are expected to be banned everywhere, as well as all things associated with bats. The Harley Quinn movie will be watched by even fewer people than expected. The start of spring training will be pushed back a few weeks, and Major League Baseball might get that shorter season its players have been hoping for. Lamborghini would have stopped producing its Murcielago model, except it was discontinued ten years ago and most who couldn’t afford one didn’t notice.

Corona Beer, however, will not have its business interrupted. The worried population is likely to drive the demand for beer higher than it has ever been.

Senate Declares Kansas City Chiefs Super Bowl Champions

With a 51-49 vote, the United States Senate passed a resolution this morning proclaiming the score of the Super Bowl to be 28-27 in favor of the Kansas City Chiefs, thus eliminating the need for passes and catches and running and tackling and all the other things which are normally associated with a football game.

The Senate wasn’t even expected to be in session this morning, but Leader McConnell told all members of the legislative body that they had very important business to attend to and they needed to be in the Senate chambers by 8 a.m. sharp. Everyone showed up, many hoping there was a change of heart regarding allowing witnesses in the impeachment trial, but no such luck. This was all about the Super Bowl.

Every Democrat and Democrat-leaning independent voted against this measure, saying it was not the role of the Senate to legislate sports outcomes, and just because the Senate isn’t doing what it’s supposed to be doing doesn’t mean it needs to engage in total nonsense like this. However, despite the clear logical argument put forth by the Democrats, Republicans voted overwhelmingly in favor of the resolution. They did so because Leader McConnell told them to, although several expressed other justifications for their decision.

According to Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC), who may not have paid any attention to football this year, the San Francisco 49ers simply have not shown enough evidence that they are capable of winning this game, or at least if they have he hasn’t seen it since he wasn’t paying attention, so why even bother having a game?

Senator Lamar Alexander (R-TN) was a little more divided in his opinion, saying that the 49ers “Obviously showed some level of skill in the game of football by making it this far, but their level of talent doesn’t rise to the level of actually necessitating a game.”

Senator Marco Rubio (R-Fl) had this to say:

Yes, the San Francisco team is clearly talented. Yes, the football games they played throughout the season demonstrate an unmistakable pattern of excellence which meets and perhaps exceeds the level of a championship-caliber NFL team. If there were to be a game, honestly it could go either way. But the fact remains, going through with this would be bad for the country. Millions of people missing work or showing up hungover is a massive drain on the economy. Forcing girlfriends, and some boyfriends, to watch a game they don’t care about puts a strain on relationships. And then we must think of those going through the emotional pain of having no one to watch the game with, mere weeks before suffering through a lonely Valentine’s Day. So let us end this long national nightmare of this football season and focus on what is really important, whatever that is.

 

 

A Serious Suggestion to Remedy the Environmental Problem

It is well-known that overpopulation is largely responsible for the growing carbon footprint worldwide. The more people who are walking around breathing and driving and otherwise releasing carbon into the environment, the more carbon will be in the environment in the form of greenhouse gases, which in turn traps heat and makes the Earth warmer than it should be and causes all sorts of problems.

Problems are bad.

But problems can be fixed. Long ago, a wise man devised a solution to this sort of problem, but it was a flawed solution. Eating babies, like environmental problems, is bad. Yes, getting rid of babies would decrease humanity’s carbon footprint, but murdering a bunch of innocent youngsters is not only an unthinkable atrocity, but considering how the human race tends to get carried away with its atrocities, this course of action might end up decreasing the human population more than intended. Especially if various groups of humans start fighting with each other about which group’s babies should be eaten.

Of course, the answer is that no babies should be eaten. Instead, the gassiest adults should be thrown into a volcano.

Why the gassiest adults? Because they are the ones damaging the environment without even creating jobs and helping the economy. Maybe they create some jobs for antacid companies, but not enough. Into the volcano they go.

When throwing gassy adults into the volcano, it is important to get them into a volcano as fast as possible. If you have to drive them in a race car which leaves clouds of smoke as it zooms by the less gassy designated survivors, it is important to do so. If you have to fly them to a volcano in a four-passenger aircraft, this too is worth the pollution in order to get these methane-producing humans out of the environment and into a volcano.

If someone is thrown into a volcano without a trial, is that murder? Technically, yes it is. Is the amount of global warming avoided by murdering the burp-prone worth the stain on our collective conscience? One might argue it is not, but this is the only thing we can do to save the environment so it must be done.

We can’t listen to Greta Thunberg and regulate businesses to minimize the amount of damage they do to the environment. Doing so is bad for businesses, according to these businesses, and therefore it is out of the question.

We can’t try to decrease our personal carbon footprints by eating less meat. What are we going to eat instead, kale and spinach? Do you know how much gas eating those causes? Unless you want half the human race to be thrown into a volcano, a mixed diet which skews toward a vegetarian one is not a suggestion which would be made by a serious person.

Neither is trying to spend more time walking and taking public transportation. Doing so would take money out of the pockets of those involved with gas stations and the oil industry in general. And walking too much is un-American. It spits on the memories of the Wright Brothers and Henry Ford.

The only serious suggestion which can be made on this topic is throwing adult humans who burp and fart too much into a volcano.

Tennessee Teenager in Trouble For Witchcraft

A high school junior from Nashville, Tennessee is in hot water after shouting the killing curse at his Spanish teacher on the first day of school. He has not only been suspended indefinitely, but he has also been charged with attempted murder.

The student, whose name has been withheld because he is a minor, is being charged as an adult for his crime even though the alleged target does not want the child to be arrested. Ms. Linda Davis, 41, could not be reached for further comment, but according to law enforcement she is not cooperating with the investigation.

According to sources who were there at the time, the class was reviewing some grammatical topics covered last year, and Ms. Davis asked her student to tell her the first person singular form of mirar, which means to look, in the simple past tense. The student said miró, which is incorrect, so Ms. Davis told this student he’d be losing a participation point, which is worth about one percent of one percent of his final grade.

Apparently unhappy with being punished for misremembering a verb conjugation so early in the year, the student picked up his pen and shouted “avada kedavra,” which is known as the killing curse. Ms. Davis was unharmed, possibly since she picked up her own pen and shouted “expelliarmus,” after which the student lurched back as if thrown by magical force and almost the entire class laughed for about three seconds before getting back to the lesson.

Not everyone was laughing, however, and one student told the principal after class, who in turn told the superintendent, and the superintendent was not laughing. Witchcraft is no laughing matter. Even the suspicion of witchcraft has cost lives in the past, and the way things are going it could easily happen again. And when it is violent witchcraft instead of the more mischievous variety, then it could be met with the full force of the law. Which is currently no force at all, as long as judges are not totally incompetent, but sometimes they are.

Not only is the student in trouble for this incident, but Ms. Davis has been put on administrative leave due to her own apparent use of witchcraft. Even though it is believed her quick thinking saved her from certain death, the seven-volume spellbook disguised as a young adult fantasy series is not to be allowed in this school district under any circumstances. A good guy with Harry Potter could stop a bad guy with Harry Potter, but more likely they will make a mistake and turn innocent bystanders into frogs or worse. The risks far outweigh the potential benefits. If a teacher wants to defend against witchcraft, it may not be done with witchcraft.

It will have to be done with guns.

Trump Suggests Fighting Hurricane With Honey Badgers

In an early morning meeting about the threat posed to Florida by Hurricane Dorian, President Trump made some unconventional suggestions, including importing a horde of honey badgers to fight the hurricane.

The president, who reportedly spent some of last night watching YouTube videos on his phone, touted the impressive fighting abilities of the honey badger, claiming that while most animals would be frightened of hundred mile an hour winds, the honey badgers wouldn’t care. They would just keep slapping and slapping until the storm gave up and sulked off to Mexico, which is “what Mexico deserves for not paying for the wall.”

Trump also insisted that they only get male honey badgers, since he heard that honey badgers are very nasty and he doesn’t like nasty women.

The others at the meeting told the president they would “look into it,” but when Trump demanded immediate action they had to tell him that they would not be getting honey badgers. First of all, by the time they could fly halfway around the world and pay expert wildlife trappers to capture the honey badgers and then take another long flight to Florida, the storm would have moved on. Or it would be too windy for the plane to land. And no plane would allow honey badgers on it.

But even if they got the honey badgers, the ferocious mammals would not attack the storm. But the honey badgers probably would attack a bunch of chickens and maybe some cattle, and at least one Florida Man would try to fight a honey badger with disastrous results.

Undeterred, Mr. Trump inquired about Kirby, wondering if the video game character was based on a real creature which the Deep State kept hidden all these years. If so, Kirby could suck in the storm, and then Kirby’s hurricane power could be unleashed upon China unless China agreed to favorable trade deals. Trump’s staffers said they’d look into it, and then they said no.

Finally, Mr. Trump suggested using Magic Missile to “attack the wetness.” He clarified that this was a magic missile, and not a nuclear missile like Fake News Axios keeps accusing him of wanting to use on a hurricane, so it would only stop the rain and not kill people. As everyone else at the meeting was lost for words, the president said he was only joking and he was going back to his room to go on Twitter, where his fans appreciate his sense of humor.

If asked about this, Trump will likely say it’s all fake news and he never said anything about attacking hurricanes with honey badgers or magic missiles or video game characters, but who are you going to believe: a non-accredited website which tags almost every post as “satire” and uses meme images to accompany articles, or the President of the United States of America?

Tough call, isn’t it?

Benevolent Russian Oligarchs Helped Struggling Billionaire Secure Loan

Years ago, a famous billionaire needed money. This billionaire was famous for being rich, as well as for some things which should have made family-values conservatives lose all respect for him, but everyone knew he was a wealthy and successful businessman. And yet when he needed money to grow his businesses to become more wealthy and successful, most banks wouldn’t give him the money.

This billionaire’s difficulty securing loans was due to silly reasons like his casino properties kept losing money and so did his poorly-planned vanity businesses, so banks didn’t think he’d be able to pay them back. Just because he was losing almost a billion dollars a year. Of course he was good for the money, since everyone knew he was very rich and very successful, but the banks didn’t know this and so they were firm in their refusal.

This situation looked dire for this plucky billionaire go-getter, but then benevolent Russian oligarchs stepped in to help him out. Purely out of the goodness of their hearts. As billionaires themselves, they couldn’t stand to see another billionaire suffer, so they put their own financial futures on the line in order to co-sign loans at Deutsche Bank for this American billionaire so that he could get back on his feet. For this, they demanded nothing in return.

Almost nothing, anyway. And it was more of a suggestion of reciprocity than an outright demand. Small business favors, everyone does it, nothing for the media to get worked up about. And maybe some bigger favors if this billionaire ever became president, but of course this was never happening, he had no political experience and far too many scandals in his personal life, so why worry about it? Barely even a thought.

As the title says, these are benevolent oligarchs who did nice things to a fellow billionaire for the sake of being nice. And maybe they expected some nice things in return so they could continue being nice and not accidentally ruin their American friend’s life, but that’s just they way good people do business, da?

Hades Requests Next Gods’ Meeting Be Held In Tartarus

Hades, the Greek god of the Underworld, expressed great displeasure at the most recent gods’ meeting about all of these conferences being held either at Mt. Olympus or some remote island controlled by Poseidon, none of which are convenient for him. As an alternative, he requested the next meeting be held underground at his Hades Tartarus property.

Hades Tartarus is by far Hades’ lowest-rated property, and perhaps the most unpopular locale in the world, with 97 percent of reviewers giving it two stars or less, and 90 percent giving it the lowest possible rating.

Tartarus has been widely panned for its insect problem, with roaches spanning in size from fifty pound behemoths to small enough to crawl into any bodily orifice. There are also many bedbugs, which is surprising considering the beds are uneven stone tablets.

The staff is widely hated, with one security guard called Cerberus garnering a reputation for extreme unfriendliness. Guests are also unhappy with the leisure activities, which consist of such pastimes as trying to eat a grape that is just out of reach. Guests also have the option to push a stone up a hill which is too steep at the top to push anything up it, and then the rock rolls down and crushes them, and it’s not really a choice.

The staff has been asked to change the activity schedule for thousands of years, but the only changes are the addition of new terrible things to do, like writing a book which was promised a publication deal and having the manuscript simultaneously combust while handing the only copy to the publisher. There’s also a new one where you’re at a party but all the drinks are toothpaste-infused and the bouncers will attack you if you say any word that isn’t considered millennial slang, of if you go three minutes without yeeting.

Despite the horrible reputation of Hades Tartarus, its proprietor talked it up as “unique” and “a sprawling property with many unoccupied hilltops.” But he could not be reached for comment when asked if he was going to be taking a cut of Charon’s toll, which is expected to be significant when dozens of gods each have to pay a gold coin to cross the River Styx.

Denmark to Sell Greenland to Winner of Global Ninja World Leader Competition

In a surprising turn of events, Denmark has reversed their decision to not sell Greenland to anyone under any circumstances, and will now sell it to the winner of a competition based on the Ninja Warrior franchise. This is based on a source which is about as reliable as wherever Donald Trump gets his information, so heck yes it is true!

In this true thing that will happen, interested heads of government will gather in Copenhagen to compete on a course modeled after those found on Ninja Warrior courses, but much easier so you don’t need to be an elite athlete to finish the course.

It will start with competitors crossing a series of circular wooden boards elevated in the water, each five feet in diameter and about five feet apart from each other. Then contestants will zipline to a landing pad and then jump another five feet to the next obstacle, which is a balance beam. Just a regular balance beam. The world leaders who get through that will put on velcro gloves and use those to make their way across a velcro wall. Then they’ll need to cross twenty feet of water on monkey bars. And anyone who does this will have to run/walk/crawl up a 30 degree ramp to hit a buzzer. Whoever makes it the farthest the fastest will have the right to buy Greenland.

This is not especially good news for Donald Trump. The competition will only run if there are at least ten contestants, and if Trump tries at all he will probably come in last. Certainly not first. Even if no young and athletic heads of state from countries Trump called “sh*tholes” show up, Trudeau will still embarrass him almost as badly as he did while greeting Melania at the G7 Summit.

But there is hope yet. Trump could convince Pence to resign, appoint an older Ninja Warrior athlete like David Campbell as vice president, and then resign on the day of the competition. Because sometimes, sacrifices have to be made for the sake of getting a huge chunk of ice with a few people on it and some mineral wealth.

Then the athletic new president would appoint an actual politician as vice president, win the competition, and then resign. Heck Yes News does not know the political leanings of various ninja athletes, but they tend to be very hard-working and compassionate people, so any one of them would probably choose someone better than we have now.

They will probably also decline to buy Greenland, instead entrusting their successor to enter into reasonable agreements for mining rights, but shh. A certain stable genius does not need to know that.