Spicer Addresses Alleged Melania Affair

Parts of the internet have been abuzz over the past few days due to Tweets by writer Monica Byrne alleging an affair between Melania Trump and Tiffany’s security chief Hank Siemers. These rumors are considered unsubstantiated by the mainstream media, but since the mainstream media is the #fakenewsmedia their failure to confirm the allegation makes the rumor even stronger.

Due to the increasing strength of this rumor, Press Secretary Sean Spicer held a top-secret press conference this evening to address it. No one from the mainstream media was invited, and recording devices were not permitted. Not even pen and paper. Fortunately for TotesRealNews, one of our reporters has perfect recall abilities so we sent this journalist to the conference to report back on what Mr. Spicer said.

She came back with the whole speech, which is reproduced below:

First of all, I can tell you with absolute certainty that this rumor is an outright lie, and Melania has not been unfaithful to Donald. This allegation…this lie…says Donald knows about it, so if it were true then he would have told me. He tells me everything. You don’t know the things he tells me, except for the things I tell you as part of this job, but there are other things he told me and I haven’t told you and none of those involve Melania knowing Hank Semens, or whatever his name is, in a Biblical sense. The Trumps are not Bible people, and there is no affair going on. Period.

And even if this absolute falsehood has any truth to it, it wouldn’t be cheating if Donald knows about it. Like if I told you I was about to lie and then I said Donald Trump is a horrible president, and please don’t quote me out of context on that one, it wouldn’t be a lie, really, because there was no intent to deceive. And it’s the same thing…it would be the same thing with this so-called dalliance because it’s not…it wouldn’t be cheating if it was happening and she had his permission. He’s got all these important presidential tasks to deal with, so if he outsourced some of the traditional marital duties to another man then that would be smart business strategy adapted for the presidency.

And if this was happening, which like I told you a million times it’s not, it shouldn’t upset anyone because it would just mean they have an open marriage. Open marriage means openness. Hostile media has been complaining for months about how Donald Trump doesn’t want the borders to be as open as left-wing liberals do, and how he’s not as open in dealing with the press as some of his predecessors, and now that there’s a rumor he’s being open in his marriage then suddenly you don’t want him to be open anymore? There’s no winning with you people. I don’t want to hide in the bushes again, but if this unfair treatment persists then I may have no choice.

Summary of speech: it isn’t true, but if it was, it wouldn’t be nearly as bad as you all think it is. Now you don’t have to go anywhere, but I do. Goodbye.

And with that, he left, leaving nothing but a quickly fading Spicey aroma and the memory of a few hundred words, almost all of which are real words, which are now on the internet. Words addressing an important scandal which, if found to be true, might be one of the top fifty most outrageous things involving Donald Trump.

Super Bowl Cancelled Because Stadium is Much Too Small

Football, Team, People, Game, Crowd

A different stadium, which is also too small

 

The Internet – While Tom Brady seemed almost destined to get a fifth Super Bowl ring this year, now he will not get a chance to do so because NRG Stadium in Houston isn’t nearly big enough to hold the millions of people who plan to watch the game.

The place where the Super Bowl was supposed to happen is a decent-sized sports venue, with a seating capacity of approximately seventy-two thousand, which is generally enough to accommodate football fans who are able to buy tickets early or willing and able to pay exorbitant scalper prices. However, previous Super Bowls took place in a world where in-person attendance was not the same thing as watching the game on TV. Now we live in a post-inauguration reality, and despite shifting perceptions regarding the nature of truth there is absolutely no way to fit millions of human beings in a NFL stadium.

Not even an alternative way. Can’t happen. Don’t even try. Even if it’s not the full 100+ million who will be in the stands, but somewhere around fifty million, they will not fit. What are you going to do, stack thousands of people on every seat? Super Bowl attendees aren’t exactly pillars of strength. And even if you did manage to pile everyone on top of each other, many of them won’t be able to see the action without turning their bodies, which could cause life-threatening pile-ups in the stands that might spill out into the field, putting players at greater risk of injury than usual.

NRG Stadium also doesn’t want to risk the sort of damage to the field which could result from millions of people falling on it at the same time. And it could be millions, because if an upper-level pile goes down, they’re taking much of the stadium with them, because that’s how the domino effect works. Except these aren’t dominoes, these are people, and most likely far too many people for all the hospitals in Houston to be able to treat.

Too many people, if these people are lucky. Unless the reality of injury changes as drastically as the reality of statistics, most Super Bowl attendees will be dead of internal bleeding or asphyxiation or crushed organs before medical professionals can remove them from the piles. Even more tragically, odds are many of these victims will be prominent celebrities who had seats to themselves before the multitudes came from above. And while Tom Brady’s offensive line can keep him upright for most of the game, they will not be able to protect him from millions of tumbling humans, and the NFL is not confident it will be able to recover from such a catastrophe.

So the Super Bowl is cancelled, and will remain cancelled until there is a difference between being there in person and watching something on television. For those who are upset by this development, there are legal methods of protesting those responsible, at least until the reality of democracy no longer has anything in common with the reality of the United States of America. And if you are someone who dislikes the Super Bowl and is glad that it has been cancelled, you can thank Sean Spicer by sending him Dippin’ Dots, which are totally his favorite snack.