Sock Attack Leaves Woman Hospitalized

Socks, Clothing, Set, Accessories

They only look innocent


The Internet – A Manhattan resident is resting comfortably in a hospital after being viciously attacked by her own socks.

The 24-year-old woman, who is not named Ms. Harris but will be referred to as such in order to protect her from the curious masses, suffered numerous bruises, several abrasions, and a minor concussion after the bizarre attack caused her to lose balance and hit her head on a wooden dresser.

According to Ms. Harris, the recent work week had been especially stressful, as two of her co-workers went on vacation so she had to pick up some of the slack. She had hoped to feel better once the weekend began, but she was unable to let go of the frustration as she folded her socks on Sunday. And because all of Marie Kondo’s theories are totally accurate, the negative energy transferred from her body to her socks, thus enraging the clothing to the point of violence.

Ms. Harris’ roommate, who will be referred to by the fake name of Melanie Kahn, heard a scream from Ms. Harris’ room around 1:30 in the afternoon, so Ms. Kahn opened the door to find Ms. Harris in there alone, but not quite alone, because there were a bunch of socks in the room repeatedly smacking Ms. Harris in the face. Ms. Kahn tried to grab the renegade clothing, but was greeted with smacks to her own face, so she ran out of the room to call 9-1-1.

By the time Ms. Kahn could convince the dispatcher that she was not kidding or pranking them or totally out of her mind, Ms. Harris was slumped on the floor with a visibly bruised forehead. And the socks were still hitting Ms. Harris.

The hospital opted to keep Ms. Harris overnight to monitor her concussion symptoms, as well as to check for the possibility that she hallucinated the entire incident. All evidence points Ms. Harris not suffering from psychotic symptoms although it may take a few days to be sure, and her co-workers will need to pick up the slack for her in the meantime.

When asked about the incident, Ms. Harris said she learned never to fold laundry angry again, and if she ever finds herself unable to calm herself down then she will pay someone else to do it for her, because her frustrating job pays well enough for her to have that option. Additionally, all of the misbehaving clothing will be thrown out or burned.

Probably burned.