Trump Officially Too Ridiculous to Satirize

The Internet – If it were possible to arrest someone based on Poe’s law, Donald Trump would be in jail for a yuge amount of time. Because at this point, it is nearly impossible to say he said or did something crazier than what he actually said or did.

Back when Trump spent his early days on the campaign trail making fun of Mexicans and Asians and handicapped reporters, incorrect people thought that such remarks would have been the nadir of a very short candidacy. Many months and one disturbing political convention later, he’s attacking the family of a fallen soldier for supporting his political opponent as well as one of his own supporters for having a crying baby, as if babies have less right to cry than a seventy-year-old man-child. And then, in the kicker, there are actual legit news sources reporting Donald Trump seriously wondered aloud why it would be a problem to use nuclear weapons.

It’s enough to give even the most stoic non-millennial a serious case of the can’t evens.

Additionally, according to something on the internet, Eminem was supposed to rewrite his hit “Lose Yourself” as an anti-Trump song for Funny or Die, but he couldn’t do it. He got as far as:

His hands are tiny, please please, can his heinie
I cannot understand this conniving, man so whiny
Succeeding; are people reading, history? Unlikely
Not just boasts, there’s some almost Third Reich speech
When he rage yells, the hate swells, crazy sells
The KKK kvells, but they won’t say they kvelled
He’s raising hell, might as well be praising hell
He’s worse for health, than a, bacon MELT!
Your face should be droppin’ jaw, when Donald scoffs at law

And gave up, claiming thinking about Donald Trump for more than the five minutes it took him to write this would hurt his soul so much he might end up relapsing on painkillers. The chorus was supposed to be something along the lines of “Donald go Trump yourself, you’re a loser, you’re hopeless,” but the chorus was never written due to the hopelessness of trying to make fun of someone so seriously awful.

“Trump,” within the context of the song, was supposed to be profanity, similar in connotation to the four-letter-word it sort of rhymes with, but worse, because being Trumped never feels good. But like other things which were supposed to happen, like a relatively reasonable conservative politician receiving the Republican nomination, this song could not be written. Because Trump has moved beyond the point of ridicule from outside sources, and into the twilight zone between reckless ambition and soulless evil.

And this may be more terrifying than anything Rod Serling ever made.

 

*Editor’s note: What was once called “TotesRealNews” is now “SuchRealNews.” The news is just as real as it always was, and where it says “Totesreal” in the text this can be mentally replaced with “suchreal” or “veryreal” or left as it is. But due to the high journalistic integrity of SuchRealNews, and definitely not laziness, all references to the previous name within articles will remain unchanged.

  • Additional note: It’s Heck Yes News now. And will likely stay that way.

 

Next Ninja Turtles Movie to Feature Older Turtles

Amphibian, Animal, Cartoon, Reptile

 

The Internet – Totally reliable sources have confirmed that in the next Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie, the turtles will not be teenagers.

The increased age of the totally tubular titular characters may come as a surprise, as they are often known for their cartoon depictions, and cartoon characters tend to stay the same age forever. The “teenage” part of the title also suggests they will never grow up, but that suggestion is incorrect. Perhaps they can spend their animated lives in perpetual adolescence, but in the movies, they are no cartoons. So they’re growing up.

The new movie, American Turtle Warriors, will follow the protagonists as they battle Shredder and Krang and other common antagonists, but also their journeys as they deal with the challenges associated with the transition into full-grown adulthood. All of this is rather serious in nature, so to balance all the seriousness the movie will feature a parody of Taylor Swift’s Blank Space from the point of view of MichaelAngelo as he tries to move out of the sewers and into his own place.

TotesRealNews has obtained the lyrics, which have never been seen until now by anyone besides the person who wrote those lyrics, and now the song will be leaked in its entirety.
Wining, dining, candlelight
Pepperoni goes well with all drinks
She said she would spend the night
Took her home and she’s like
“Oh-em-gee Mike what the heck
This smells like a dead skunk’s neck
Gotta go, because blech”

New, sunny, super-clean
Are some things that my abode is not
At least when the roof has leaks
I don’t notice – it’s wet a lot
And hey, there’s no rent
It’s quite a good deal for no dough spent
Here with four of my best friends
After the mutation this is my element

When it comes to prep for Shredder
Life in sewers is pretty nice
Sure, my love life could be better
Heroics come with a price
Fought a long list of opponents
They all blew up or died
People tell me I’m a cheeseball
I do love the pie

Since I’m young and I am jobless
I’ll stay here without shame
Even though I’m sockless
And rats are far from tame
Maybe I’m a bit cold-blooded
My heart still beats the same
And I got a dank place, maybe
I need a change

No broker, I’m too broke
Turns out Jimmy MacMillan was right
Two K monthly is no joke
Since I need money I will fight
When I’m in the mood
I will toss cheesy food
Ring name will be party dude, oh yeah

Pinning, winning, shell shock slam
Quickly break them like bagels, warmed
Post wins on Instagram
Got them reminiscing like
“Love love love, loved that fight
Almost close one, but not quite”
Now the champ belt is in my sight
I’ll hope I won’t forget to send my friends invites

My kick combo can be nasty
Helps me stand tall though I’m not big
For the belt I’ll face a tag team
It’s a rhino and a pig
As foes they are quite familiar
They’re slow, this should be fun
They are strong but I’m much quicker
Now who gave them guns?

What the heck is this madness?
I have to quit and flee
My conscience can’t stand this
High risk of casualties
Maybe I’ll give up the money
But really it’s okay
It’s a struggle dank place dating
But I’ll find a way

Guns never should be where it’s crowded
I’m sure of this and this is why I shout it
Guns never should be where it’s crowded
There is no doubt, yeah, there’s no doubt about it
When it comes to prep for Shredder
Life in sewers is pretty nice
Sure, my love life could be better
Heroics come with a price
Fought a long list of opponents
They all blew up or died
People tell me I’m a cheeseball
I do love the pie

Since I’m young and I am jobless
I’ll stay here without shame
Even though I’m sockless
And rats are far from tame
Maybe I’m a bit cold-blooded
My heart still beats the same
It’s a struggle dank place dating
But I’ll find a way

 

 

*Editor’s note: What was once called “TotesRealNews” is now “SuchRealNews.” The news is just as real as it always was, and where it says “Totesreal” in the text this can be mentally replaced with “suchreal” or “veryreal” or left as it is. But due to the high journalistic integrity of SuchRealNews, and definitely not laziness, all references to the previous name within articles will remain unchanged.

 

Pepe Le Pew Arrested in California

Skunk, Gray, Animal, Fur, Furry

 

The internet – Pepe Le Pew, the skunk who has been terrorizing the same female cat for decades, following her from France to Hollywood, has finally been arrested. He now faces multiple counts of stalking, sexual harassment, and sexual assault.

For years, Mr. Le Pew was given a free pass for his actions, his behavior excused by the notion that skunks will be skunks, or that he’s not a human, but no more. The old stinker is finally going to get his comeuppance.

Several groups, including women’s rights groups and animal rights groups, have been clamoring for his arrest for years to no avail. The Social Justice Singers even wrote a song summarizing the case against him, using the tune of Uptown Funk by Mark Ronson and Bruno Mars for inspiration, and the song will be posted in its entirety because that’s the sort of thing we do at TotesRealNews.

He thinks he’s Don Juan
The pied piper of love songs
Smooth words,
But got no grace
He’s always
One track mind thinking
Wining, dining
Skipping all that, straight to kissing
Got no hope
And no clue, nope
And of course he don’t have permission

Thinks he’s suave (Le Pew)
But he does things creepy stalkers do
When he farts (Le Pew)
You will say ooh blech like Bartholomew
He’s a nut (Le Pew)
Makes you say E then W
And his butt… (Le PEW)
He’s the bad sort of funky

He’s a clown

No shame and zero honor
No shame and zero honor
No shame and zero honor

This cartoon skunk is always hitting on her
This cartoon skunk is always hitting on her
This cartoon skunk is always hitting on her

Run for your life if you see this skunk

Don’t be near when he farts
Don’t be near when he talks
Don’t be near if you’re smart
Don’t be near him at all
Don’t be near him at all
Don’t be near him at all

Cops…why you oughta
See if he’s got restraining orders
Take his prints, grab his tail
Why is he not in jail?
Banned in Paris, Avignon,
And the whole French country
If he sees you, you should watch out
Since this guy is just so skunky

Thinks he’s suave (Pepe)
He’s less high-class than a Chik-Fil-A
When he farts (Pepe)
Then your sinuses want to run away
Thinks he’s smart (Pepe)
He does not have intellibrains
He tries hard (Pepe)
Hard is how she’ll be running

From this clown

No shame and zero honor
No shame and zero honor
No shame and zero honor

This cartoon skunk is always hitting on her
This cartoon skunk is always hitting on her
This cartoon skunk is always hitting on her

Run for your life if you see this skunk

Don’t be near when he farts
Don’t be near when he talks
Don’t be near if you’re smart
Don’t be near him at all
Don’t be near him at all
Don’t be near him at all

You’ll wanna sneeze
That won’t help you much though

Upwind skunk is yuck
Upwind skunk is yuck
Also downwind skunk is yuck
Skunk is always yuck

They call France romantic
But what he does, well that’s sick
They are creepy weird antics
More maddening than mass transit

There’s no chance she’ll like him
It’s expected she’s frightened
Well now he is a skunk and she is a cat
That’s not why this is wrong
All about it is wrong
It’s completely just wrong
This is weird and just wrong
It is really so wrong
That’s enough of this song

 

This song, and the evidence suggested within it, should have been more than enough to land Mr. Le Pew a court date, but his black-and-white privilege continued to protect him, as he remained free for months after the song was written. However, his inability to control his urges to do what he should not shows that while he is not human, he may be a monster, and recent events showed monsters can be arrested and sent to jail. Even if it is only for six months with the possibility of early release.

 

 

*Editor’s note: What was once called “TotesRealNews” is now “SuchRealNews.” The news is just as real as it always was, and where it says “Totesreal” in the text this can be mentally replaced with “suchreal” or “veryreal” or left as it is. But due to the high journalistic integrity of SuchRealNews, and definitely not laziness, all references to the previous name within articles will remain unchanged.

 

Vogon Prisoner Found Alive After Four Years

Tigerschnecke, Snail, Mollusk, Slug

The Closest Approximation to CJ Bonner’s Captors Which Can Be Found on a Free Image Site

 

The Internet – Charlie James Bonner thought he would never live to see land again, let alone his home in Long Island.

Bonner was just 19 when he was abducted by a Vogon Constructor Fleet, the totally real menace to the galaxy first chronicled in Douglas Adams’ science-fact comedy-horror story The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Bonner spent four years confined within the spaceship, his will to live sustained only by the occasional friendship of the Dentrassi cooks and the hope that he might one day be able to to share the song he wrote about his experiences with an actual human being.

Four years later, the ship which held Bonner captive passed near Earth again, and this time a group of Dentrassi seized the opportunity to take a shuttle away from the Vogons and make a new life for themselves on Earth, which couldn’t possibly be worse than what they had to deal with on the ship everyday. They took Bonner with them, which is how he is finally home.

Bonner wrote his song as a parody/adaptation of Lupe Fiasco’s The Show Goes On, which he listened to enough in college to have it memorized by the time he found himself on the ship, where listening to music was strictly forbidden. Although, no matter how they tried, the Vogons could not destroy the music in CJ Bonner’s head.

Now that CJ Bonner has escaped, TotesRealNews is publishing the song in its entirety so that his wishes of spreading the lyrics reflecting his experience can be fulfilled. Because TotesRealNews is going to have a TotesRealReadership any day now. And, without further ado, here is Charlie Bonner’s harrowing lyrical account of his time spent with Vogons:

Bring on the Klingons but no Vogons
If they don’t disturb you, your soul is gone
And Eccentrica Gallumbits
Would give up at least one tit
Just to never hear their poets
Please no Vogons

Don’t mind mad Martians, but no Vogons
Those words, in that order, it’s oh so wrong
I’d prefer three days of Bieber
Or my eyes scratched by a lemur
Or all winter in Siberia
Please no Vogons

Well they always have a reason
Like that’s how things are done
They are not big fans of fun
They need you to behave
They’re paper-pushing slugs
Yeah, but speech comes from their tongues
Just to make space for their fleet
They’d destroy the moon and sun
They’re annoying everyone
Makes them boil up with pride
They’re gross in and outside
That’s why if you see one run
Unpleasant’s an understatement
I don’t know how they mate with
Each other, and as for their poems
Nobody’s got the patience
The Pillsbury Doughboy
Would say, “hee hee I hate this”
You can hit me with shoes – cleats
Or make my family boo me
Whatever you do, please
Don’t let them read to me
It stinks far worse than dookie
Just one stanza would ruin me

The Borg are better, please no Vogons
Their writing’s so boring yet they drone on
I would rather have cash plunder
And then ruin it all with chunder
Than hear them say even one word
I loathe Vogons

Bring on the Klingons but no Vogons
If they don’t disturb you, your soul is gone
And Eccentrica Gallumbits
Would give up at least one tit
Just to never hear their poets
Please no Vogons

One poet’s worse but she’s not close to here
Two lines of verse I might tear off my ear
Screams only hurt since they’d pump up the volume
So my throat hurts half as much as my ears
Puns nonexistent in their mind attack
Why do they write? That is really quite clear
To make you wish you’re buried in a small tomb
And not living life right now ‘cause the dead can’t hear
Oh, no, here’s Vogon Jeltz, talking about open welts
Lucky me, now I know, he’s got two and both smell
I’d rather be anywhere, even the Bates Motel
Than by Vogons and their poems, I gotta go like Modell’s
Like Chuck says it’s turr’ble, wash my ears with Purel
Still won’t fix the brain pain, in my soul there’s pure ache
All these failed metaphors make me wish they were chordates
They have no spine and that’s not fine, oh lord why did you forsake?

Bring on the Klingons but no Vogons
If they don’t disturb you, your soul is gone
And Eccentrica Gallumbits
Would give up at least one tit
Just to never hear their poets
Please no Vogons

Don’t mind mad Martians, but no Vogons
Those words, in that order, it’s oh so wrong
I’d prefer three days of Bieber
Or my eyes scratched by a lemur
Or all winter in Siberia
Please no Vogons

Someone shatter both my eardrums, I cannot stand to hear much
More blathering from slugs, and they won’t take silence serum
It’s not like I’ve got that, if I did they’d refuse it
They have got the type of mind from which there can’t be music
Is this making me stupid? Cause I do not get
Why no other alien races destroyed the Vogons yet
I wish this ship had Jedi, sure could use Obi Won
To hit them with his light stick so no more from Vogons

Bring on the Klingons but no Vogons
If they don’t disturb you, your soul is gone
And Eccentrica Gallumbits
Would give up at least one tit
Just to never hear their poets
Please no Vogons

The Borg are better, please no Vogons
Their writing’s so boring yet they drone on
I would rather have cash plunder
And then ruin it all with chunder
Than hear them say even one word
I loathe Vogons