The Internet – If it were possible to arrest someone based on Poe’s law, Donald Trump would be in jail for a yuge amount of time. Because at this point, it is nearly impossible to say he said or did something crazier than what he actually said or did.
Back when Trump spent his early days on the campaign trail making fun of Mexicans and Asians and handicapped reporters, incorrect people thought that such remarks would have been the nadir of a very short candidacy. Many months and one disturbing political convention later, he’s attacking the family of a fallen soldier for supporting his political opponent as well as one of his own supporters for having a crying baby, as if babies have less right to cry than a seventy-year-old man-child. And then, in the kicker, there are actual legit news sources reporting Donald Trump seriously wondered aloud why it would be a problem to use nuclear weapons.
It’s enough to give even the most stoic non-millennial a serious case of the can’t evens.
Additionally, according to something on the internet, Eminem was supposed to rewrite his hit “Lose Yourself” as an anti-Trump song for Funny or Die, but he couldn’t do it. He got as far as:
His hands are tiny, please please, can his heinie
I cannot understand this conniving, man so whiny
Succeeding; are people reading, history? Unlikely
Not just boasts, there’s some almost Third Reich speech
When he rage yells, the hate swells, crazy sells
The KKK kvells, but they won’t say they kvelled
He’s raising hell, might as well be praising hell
He’s worse for health, than a, bacon MELT!
Your face should be droppin’ jaw, when Donald scoffs at law
And gave up, claiming thinking about Donald Trump for more than the five minutes it took him to write this would hurt his soul so much he might end up relapsing on painkillers. The chorus was supposed to be something along the lines of “Donald go Trump yourself, you’re a loser, you’re hopeless,” but the chorus was never written due to the hopelessness of trying to make fun of someone so seriously awful.
“Trump,” within the context of the song, was supposed to be profanity, similar in connotation to the four-letter-word it sort of rhymes with, but worse, because being Trumped never feels good. But like other things which were supposed to happen, like a relatively reasonable conservative politician receiving the Republican nomination, this song could not be written. Because Trump has moved beyond the point of ridicule from outside sources, and into the twilight zone between reckless ambition and soulless evil.
And this may be more terrifying than anything Rod Serling ever made.
*Editor’s note: What was once called “TotesRealNews” is now “SuchRealNews.” The news is just as real as it always was, and where it says “Totesreal” in the text this can be mentally replaced with “suchreal” or “veryreal” or left as it is. But due to the high journalistic integrity of SuchRealNews, and definitely not laziness, all references to the previous name within articles will remain unchanged.
- Additional note: It’s Heck Yes News now. And will likely stay that way.