Marie Kondo Seeks Machine to Reorganize Weather



After achieving worldwide fame helping people be happier inside their houses, organization expert Marie Kondo wants to help people be happier outside their houses as well by remedying uncomfortable weather-related situations throughout the world.

After hearing about the storms and brutally cold weather affecting the United States, which is the source of much of her audience for her Netflix series, Ms. Kondo knew she had to do something to help her fans and hate-watchers. Speaking through a translator, she asked “Does this frigid weather spark joy?”

The answer, of course, is no. With wind chills under zero degrees Fahrenheit, the weather hasn’t been conducive to sparking cigarette lighters, let alone joy. And since she knew the answer before she asked the question, Ms. Kondo told reporters that since this cold weather didn’t spark joy it has to be thrown out. Anything under thirty degrees Fahrenheit, this number being arrived upon because it is cold enough for snow but warm enough for wanting to be outside in the snow, would have to be thrown out.

This proved baffling for most reporters, so much so that they pretended the exchange didn’t even happen. Only Glue News stuck with the story, pressing on to see exactly what she meant. She couldn’t have meant literally throwing out the cold like a tchotchke which has lost all sentimental value, since this will have no effect on the temperature but may eventually lead to the hospital needing to throw away part of your finger. Frostbite does not spark joy.

Her actual plan involves weather machines. Take warm air from areas with far too much of it and bring the warmth to cold areas. Maybe blast a bunch of artificial sun into regions affected by the cold snap until it’s not so cold any more. This is a difficult plan to carry out, since any scientists with the potential ability to build such a machine are imaginary or imprisoned or would never make such a thing because of the potential devastating effects on the planet and also because that’s not really how weather works.

But difficult is not impossible, as has been proven by some of the most challenging decluttering jobs. And maybe this is impossible. But even if it is, is that any reason to give up?

Perhaps it is, if you’re a boring, sensible person who is grounded firmly in reality. But where’s the joy in that?