Babadook Destroys Trump on Wiretap Issue

The Internet РAs this publication reported previously, Donald Trump recently tried to goad the Babadook into tweeting at him again, and now he got his wish. But he may  end up regretting it, if he is capable of regret at all.

The Babadook started with this tweet:

Harsh words from a harsh monster. You might think that the Babadook’s words couldn’t get any scarier, but then it said this:

Terrifying and true. Whether you are the president, or just some random person who is not the president, the statements you make can haunt you for as long as you are alive. Or longer if there is an afterlife. Also, considering Donald Trump’s propensity for manic tweets, it is hard to believe he will stop tweeting for the rest of his life unless the rest of his life is not very long. So this could be construed as a threat and earn the Babadook a top spot on a watch list, although having to keep tabs on the Babadook in person is not an enviable task.

It is much easier, and safer, to keep tabs on the Babadook’s Twitter presence, which also includes this tweet:

Mega-ouch. The Babadook could not have been more brutal to Donald Trump unless it started haunting him in person.

Maybe the in-person haunting is happening, and that’s why 45’s behavior has been particularly erratic today.

Soros Admits To Causing Snowstorm

The Internet – The east coast of the United States of America got hit with a brutal snowstorm Thursday morning, and George Soros has apparently taken responsibility for the inclement weather.

In a semi-public statement only available to the most dedicated conspiracy theorists, Soros admitted he initially used his weather machine in the hopes Republicans in Congress might think the storm was punishment for their votes confirming highly unqualified and/or potentially dangerous Cabinet picks, but after the storm was already set in motion he realized the foolishness this logic. Congressional Republicans firmly believe God is a staunch conservative, so if anything they’d think the storm was punishment for the Democrats trying to reject those picks. So there was no other choice than to take responsibility for the storm.

Soros also addressed those who might doubt his possession of a weather machine, saying “of course I have a weather device. Just because I am fighting against Republican values rather than for personal gain, does that make me not a supervillain? I also have a shrink ray and sharks with laser beams on their heads, as is required for great villainy, but those would only be used in especially dire situations, such as the Department of Education being legislated out of existence.”

Soros’ statement, which you would be able to see in its entirety if you were more dedicated to the art of truth-seeking, also included a statement of intent to keep using the weather machine in the future. “There is no evidence of an angry God causing the storm,” he wrote, “but plenty of evidence it has been caused by an angry George Soros. And I am angry, and will likely continue to be angry as long as the so-called president continues his foolish foreign and domestic policies. And as long as I am angry, more artificial storms are possible, causing massive inconvenience for many businesses. And no authorities can prevent this without a change in policy. What are they going to do, arrest me? Changing the weather is not illegal, is it? It certainly won’t be if Scott Pruitt is put in charge of the EPA.”

So there you have it. George Soros is totally to blame for this morning’s storm, which is sure to upset a lot of people. However, one Twitter user and fellow supervillain was not upset, as shown by this supportive tweet: