Trump Denies Having Ever Been President

In a stunning statement this morning, one far too shocking for any other news source to even cover it, Donald Trump proclaimed that no matter what evidence Robert Mueller finds against him, this cannot be used to impeach him because Donald Trump is not, and never has been, the President of the United States of America.

This confession came in a Tweet which was posted about 10:30 this morning, although it says much later because TotesRealNews was using European Twitter for a little while for top-secret reasons. This is an unusual time for a Trump Tweet but this was an unusual tweet. Other news outlets did not dare to reproduce this before it got deleted, but we did, so here it is:

Your Donald J. Trump Fake Tweet - I am not President. The so-called "Trump Presidency" was all a big illusion by Crooked Hillary and the Fake News Media to blame me for everything while they ruined the country. They even pretended I have bad grammar when I have the best grammar.

 

As is clear by the totally real screenshot above, it was retweeted by over 56,000 people before finally being deleted a short time later, but the fake news media alluded to above will never share in the memory of these 56,007 people, some of whom might even be humans rather than bots specifically created to like and retweet things like this.

The fake news media will also never share the follow-up tweet, but we will:

Your Donald J. Trump Fake Tweet - Everyone still insisting I am President. Sad! One would have to be super-crazy to try to be President w/o any political experience or understanding of how government works, and in spite of the haters I am not crazy. I have the best sanity!

 

And then Barack Obama responded:

Your Barack Obama Fake Tweet - As much as I would like to not get involved in this nonsense, it must be said that this claim of Donald Trump never being president is nonsense. Donald, as much as we all wish you were not president, you are. For now, at least.

With such shots fired, more shots soon followed:

Your Donald J. Trump Fake Tweet - Fake American Obama thinks I'm the president. Wrong! Crooked Hillary colluded with Russia to make it seem like she lost so the Clinton News Network could show my body and voice instead of hers while she said and did the worst things a president ever did and blame it on me!

And then this:

Your Hillary Clinton Fake Tweet - @realDonaldTrump I am president? Hahahahahaha! Unlike you, who still won't reveal tax returns, that's rich. As president, I would seek common-sense solutions for all Americans instead of blustering to distract from Trumped-Up trickle down economics in your disaster of a tax bill.

Mr. Trump did not respond to this tweet, probably because his handlers read his previous tweets and took his phone away again.

But the Babadook responded several hours later, with the only tweet in this exchange which can still be found on Twitter:

 

Babadook Leaves Closet, Writes New Book

The infamous villain known as the Babadook, who was recently outed as a gay monster, has come to terms with who he is and wrote a new book about it. TotesRealNews was able to get a copy of the text, and while the pictures are not available as of yet we assume at least one of them will look something like this:

Image result for babashook

The Babadook, who may or not be wearing a rainbow hat at the moment, definitely wrote these words as the text to the Babadook book:

The struggle was brutal, the struggle was real
When it came to attraction, women held no appeal
In my family men married women or no one
And no casual dating, our faith could be no fun
But I didn’t question, I swallowed my sadness
And slowly began my descent into madness
As I hid in a hat, with each hand in a glove
Since it seemed Babadook would never find love

And now, before the story continues, here’s another image from the internet which captures the Babadook’s new image:

Image result for babashook

If this was in the book, the picture wouldn’t have the tweet at the bottom. And speaking of the book, the text continues below:

 

My mood didn’t improve as I increased in age
The frustration festered and it turned into rage
My anger was palpable, it flowed through my veins
Corrupting my heart and gall bladder and brains
Gall bladder’s a big part of why I was vile
This medical issue meant an increase in bile
I was filled with bad humors which may have been killin’ me
And they led me straight into a life filled with villainy

Now, here’s a picture of the still-closeted Babadook:

Image result for angry babadook

It was the phase of the Babadook’s life represented above which is described in the Bababook text below:

I made it my mission to make misery spread
I’d pick out a victim and I’d get in their head
I’d stalk and I’d taunt and I’d cause hearts to pound
Life was more exciting when I was around
But their lives weren’t good, and often not long
And I felt no remorse since the hate was so strong
I kept messing lives up while dressing so spiffily
Until very recently when I had an epiphany

Now, another picture from the internet which could be in this book if it doesn’t use new artwork:

Image result for babashook

And the conclusion:

 

If it makes me happy, then there is no harm
To flashier fashion and a man on my arm
I used to hide. Now you all can look.
I’m out and proud. Now get Babashook
I’m no longer evil. I’m in a better place
But I’ll make an exception in one special case
At night I’ll go to bed instead of going bump
But during the day I might scare Donald Trump

Donald Trump could not be reached for comment, because it’s the weekend and he’s probably golfing.

 

Trump to Spend Next Week Focusing on Oreo Flavor Contest

The Internet – The Oreo Cookie brand recently announced a contest offering five hundred thousand dollars to whoever comes up with the next Oreo flavor, and there may be no one who is more excited about this than Donald Trump. He is so enthused about this competition that he has made it his top priority, promising not to even talk to the media for the next week, because he will be busy thinking of a new flavor.

Before going into his self-imposed media exile, Trump reminded detractors that five hundred thousand dollars is a lot of money, and it could go a long way toward fixing an infrastructure issue which otherwise might remain unaddressed. The president declined to say whether the money would actually go to fixing problems within America, as opposed to paying for legal fees or simply stashing the money away somewhere, but Trump reiterated that he is “extremely rich” and looked insulted that some reporters seemed to think he wanted the money for selfish reasons.

He also appeared offended at the suggestion he might not win, and shared some of the ideas he’d submitted already:

  • Saltwater-filled Oreos, called “Tears of the Haters, of Which There are Many.” The outsides of the cookies would be extra-strong in order to avoid sogginess, and those saying the name is too long are part of the inspiration for this flavor.
  • Sugar and fat within the filling are reduced to the point that the cookies have much lower levels of caloric energy than regular Oreos. This flavor is called “Jeb Bush.”
  • A butter and jelly flavor called “Hillary Clinton.” This is because of how jealous Ms. Clinton must be because Donald Trump is president and Hillary Clinton is not, and also because of the “but her emails” controversy which helped swing the election to Trump. And instead of being spread throughout the cookie in the traditional matter, the butter and jelly will be in crisscrossing crooked lines.

Mr. Trump also shared an idea which Jeff Sessions told him about, an all-white Oreo. Not like the light wafers which already exist, but the whole cookie would be whiter than Mike Pence. Mr. Sessions told Mr. Trump this idea in confidence, as the Attorney General was reluctant to submit the idea in case it won and the media used this as proof of Jeff Sessions’ racism, but Mr. Trump saw nothing wrong with sharing this information, so he did.

When asked why he needed time to come up with more ideas when he already had such great ideas, Mr. Trump replied that those suggestions were jokes, because no one would want Jeb Bush or Hillary Clinton in their mouth, but with time he’d come with a truly great flavor. Perhaps one which captured the essence of Donald Trump. But to do so, he needs to stop being distracted with talk of investigations and special prosecutors and potential impeachment.

He doesn’t want to talk about it. He doesn’t want to hear about it. So Mr. Trump will be holed up in his room eating Oreos and trying to come up with new flavors until all this Russia talk goes away, or until he is forced to leave the bed and start doing president stuff. And since president stuff is far less appetizing than Double Stuf, Mr. Trump will be angrier than usual if he has to do that.

Due to their previous history, the Babadook was contacted about this situation and asked if he would consider scaring some sense into the president, but he responded that the current political environment was such a horror show that his presence would be redundant.

Babadook Destroys Trump on Wiretap Issue

The Internet – As this publication reported previously, Donald Trump recently tried to goad the Babadook into tweeting at him again, and now he got his wish. But he may  end up regretting it, if he is capable of regret at all.

The Babadook started with this tweet:

Harsh words from a harsh monster. You might think that the Babadook’s words couldn’t get any scarier, but then it said this:

Terrifying and true. Whether you are the president, or just some random person who is not the president, the statements you make can haunt you for as long as you are alive. Or longer if there is an afterlife. Also, considering Donald Trump’s propensity for manic tweets, it is hard to believe he will stop tweeting for the rest of his life unless the rest of his life is not very long. So this could be construed as a threat and earn the Babadook a top spot on a watch list, although having to keep tabs on the Babadook in person is not an enviable task.

It is much easier, and safer, to keep tabs on the Babadook’s Twitter presence, which also includes this tweet:

Mega-ouch. The Babadook could not have been more brutal to Donald Trump unless it started haunting him in person.

Maybe the in-person haunting is happening, and that’s why 45’s behavior has been particularly erratic today.

Diddy Launches Tie or Die Campaign

The Internet – In response to the growing epidemic of people putting themselves in serious danger by not tying their shoelaces, prominent rapper, entrepreneur, and hyperbole enthusiast Sean “Diddy” Combs went on Twitter this afternoon to announce his new shoelace-tying initiative.

Diddy also announced he would be promoting his cause with a non-album single called “Tie Yo’ Shoes” in which he explains the importance of shoelace-tying to all people, but especially to young African-American males who identify with hip-hop culture, particularly its “gangsta” elements. There is no audio available, but he tweeted out a brief lyrical sample:

Those excited for the rest of the song will have to wait until it is released, and no other lyrics were leaked, but there is a decent chance Diddy will warn listeners sternly about taking a journey in a gurney. Even more likely, he might rhyme shoes with booze, since untied laces are especially perilous when mixed with alcohol. Also, uh. He is likely to say “uh” a lot.

Whatever lyrics are included in what seems likely to be Diddy’s most memorable song in years, it will help deliver a powerful message designed to combat a totally serious problem. And untied shoelaces are definitely a serious problem with potentially dire consequences, because otherwise there wouldn’t be so many people making a habit of pointing out untied shoelaces to total strangers.

While general opinion of the Tie or Die campaign seems to be positive, one Twitter user was not impressed:

 

As of 4:49 on February 3rd, Diddy is still planning on going forward with Tie or Die. But if he doesn’t, it is most likely due to intimidation by the Babadook, and not because there is any truth to allegations that this is all “fake news.” Because this is not fake news, it is totes real.

 

*Editor’s note: What was once called “TotesRealNews” is now “SuchRealNews.” The news is just as real as it always was, and where it says “Totesreal” in the text this can be mentally replaced with “suchreal” or “veryreal” or left as it is. But due to the high journalistic integrity of SuchRealNews, and definitely not laziness, all references to the previous name within articles will remain unchanged.

Trump, Babadook, Obama, and Avril Lavigne Involved in Heated Twitter Exchange.

The Internet – Avril Lavigne’s tweet to Mark Zuckerberg yesterday, in which she accused the social media billionaire of bullying after he insulted Nickelback’s music, has been well-publicized, but less attention has been given to the tweets which followed. This is because at least some of the tweets have since been deleted, but TotesRealNews captured them before they disappeared and we are therefore able to share the increasingly bizarre exchange.

After Mark Zuckerberg, who doesn’t really use Twitter, failed to respond to the first tweet, Ms. Lavigne sent this out:

Still no response from Mark Zuckerberg, but there was this tweet from the Babadook:

 

Which prompted this response:

But as many have learned before, you can’t get rid of the Babadook that easily.

 

 

Then Ms. Lavigne escalated the situation:

The Babadook again:

 

Then another person joined the conversation:

This did not put an end to tweets at the Babadook, but it did get Donald Trump involved.

She replied quickly:

This could have been the end of it. And it was the end of Ms. Lavigne’s involvement. But Mr. Trump couldn’t stop himself.

The Babadook had this to say in response:

And this, after what was most likely a half-hour break spent scaring children:

 

And this:

As he often does, Mr. Trump disagreed:

After this tweet, Trump’s handlers decided the incoming head of state was being ridiculous even by Trump standards, and deleted all contributions by the president-elect to this exchange. Some team members have been overheard saying they would like to keep him off of Twitter for at least another month, but that seems about as likely as getting rid of the Babadook.

 

 

*Editor’s Note: The Babadook’s tweets have disappeared, but an effort will be made to reach out to the Babadook and see if it remembers what it wrote.

 

 

Trump Desperately Seeking Real Name of RussianStiltskin

 

The Internet – While the media has been reporting on various difficulties faced by the Trump Transition Team, it has yet to cover what may be the most pressing issue faced by the president-elect, which is what the obscure Russian hacker RussianStiltskin’s real name is.

RussianStiltskin has kept such a low profile that he, or possibly she because the hacker’s identify is totally unconfirmed, has never been reported on before, but this person may be among the most important players in recent world history. This is because RussianStiltskin spun straw man arguments into political gold by manipulating information on the internet to make voters think Hillary Clinton was in favor of going to war with Russia. And thanks to this hacking, Donald Trump owes an enormous debt to this code-named Russian hacker.

The debt which Trump owes is not a concrete financial sum, which he would also likely do everything within his power to avoid paying, but a promise of his first-born. Unless Donald Trump can guess RussianStiltskin’s actual, legal name before the Electoral College votes on December 19th and Mr. Trump’s impending presidency is expected to become even more official, RussianStiltskin insists that Trump’s first-born is as good as gone.

By first-born, RussianStiltskin does not mean Donald Trump Junior. Although the former reality show star’s oldest child is apparently is of some value to Donald Trump, since if RussianStiltskin took Donald the Younger then someone else would have to do things like conducting interviews for Secretary of the Interior, Donald the Elder’s most prized offspring is his first-born skyscraper, Trump Tower.

The efforts to save Trump Tower have grown more frantic as time went on. At first it was the e-mails. Although there were other legitimate political reasons to want to know what potentially unethical activity was going on in Hillary Email Land, the primary motivation for Trump pressing the issue was the hope that these e-mails contained RussianStiltskin’s real name. Perhaps the CIA found out and told Hillary so she could use such information to make a deal with Trump at the last minute. Perhaps RussianStiltskin was a double agent in constant contact with Hillary Clinton. Perhaps RussianStiltskin wasn’t Russian at all, but was actually a Clinton ploy to humiliate Donald Trump. All of these possibilities were no less unlikely than some of the more ridiculous conspiracies on the internet, but when many of the emails were found, they revealed no information about RussianStiltskin.

The next step in the attempt to keep Trump Tower was Donald Trump’s insistence he would not live full-time in the White House, and that his youngest son would barely be there at all. There were other justifications for this decision, but the real reason was that if the Secret Service needed to be in Trump Tower at all times to protect the Trump family, the Secret Service would also be able to protect the first-born skyscraper from RussianStiltskin. And they may be able to protect the tower temporarily, but RussianStiltskin appears to be powerful enough that even the protection of the Secret Service is unlikely to keep the tower in Trump’s possession for the rest of the year. So another plan became necessary.

For the next plan, which may have been even more far-fetched than the rest, Trump attempted the gain the Babadook’s attention through a Twitter altercation and then use his masterful negotiating skills to persuade the Babadook to find and terrify RussianStiltskin until the hacker’s birth name was revealed. This plan came crashing down when Trump found himself unable to convince the Babadook to stop taunting and threatening Donald Trump, and therefore there was no chance of convincing the Babadook to cooperate in a scheme to save Trump Tower.

After the epic failure of the Babadook plan, Mr. Trump began nominating highly unqualified people, many of whom seemed to be morally opposed to the job they were supposed to do, to various Cabinet posts and other high-level government positions. This was done in the hope such gross incompetence would sway the Electoral College not to vote for him, thus nullifying his deal with RussianStiltskin, but as of press time there does not seem to be enough anti-Trump sentiment in the Electoral College to save Trump Tower from this secretive cyber-criminal. This may change in the coming days, but it looks like the only options might be to give up Trump Tower or take even more desperate measures.

Donald Trump might have to use his own money to pay for information regarding RussianStiltskin. But only as an absolute last resort.

Trump Starts Twitter War With The Babadook

The Internet – Donald Trump has continued to insult people on Twitter even after winning the presidential election, and he hasn’t seemed to be any worse off for it, but he may have gone too far last night when he tweeted about the Babadook.

It started off relatively harmlessly, by Trump standards:

 

Then, bringing back memories of the initial announcement of his candidacy, Trump escalated the situation:

That seemed like it would be the end of it, but then the President-Elect received a disturbing tweet a few hours later.

And then Mr. Trump took time out of his busy schedule to respond:

If Mr. Trump thought the Secret Service reference was going to scare the Babadook into silence, he thought incorrectly, as this tweet followed soon afterwards:

And then this:

 

 

This prompted a string of tweets from the future President of the United States insisting he is not a child and promising to take the last threat a lot more seriously than the authorities took the “2nd Amendment people” comment Trump made on the campaign trail. Mike Pence also got involved, tweeting vague support for Donald Trump while simultaneously trying to distance himself from the hard line anti-Babadook stance. These attempts were less than successful considering what the Babadook had to say to Mr. Pence:

And then President Obama joined the Twitter party:

 

As of press time, President Obama had not weighed in on the subject again, but Donald Trump continued to retweet posts from his followers threatening and insulting the Babadook. The Babadook has not responded, probably because this is the time of day when monsters of the night sleep, but this feud seems likely to continue indefinitely until either someone takes Donald Trump’s phone away or the Babadook materializes in Donald Trump’s presence through the pages of a book. Fortunately for those who don’t want to see President Pence in the Oval Office, the former is much more likely than the latter.

Because Donald Trump does not read books.

 

 

*Editor’s note: The Babadook’s Tweets have disappeared, but SuchRealNews will reach out to the monster in an attempt to reproduce them.