NY Giants, NY Mets Agree to Swap Rosters

American Football, Rhino, Sports

Both the Giants and Mets are not represented by the rhinoceros

Citing strong dissatisfaction with the direction of their teams, management for both the New York Giants and the New York Mets decided to make radical changes to their respective teams by taking each other’s players. Most of the Giants have little to no experience playing baseball at a high level, and the Mets have very little experience with NFL-caliber football, but the old strategy wasn’t working so they are trying something else.

The Mets, who not long ago had one of the best pitching staffs in baseball, are expected to have an abysmal starting rotation. Eli Manning is the best bet to notch a quality start, with about 50:1 odds to make it through six innings without giving up more than three runs. A fastball unlikely to crack 80 MPH and zero ability to throw breaking pitches won’t strike fear into the hearts of opposing teams, but he’ll find the strike zone much more often than he found the end zone, and if his teammates learn to play decent defense then he might be able to keep his ERA under 20.00. The rest of the rotation is unclear, although maybe Geno Smith will get a shot, and the guy who kicks the field goals might pitch because he has shown some sort of eye-limb coordination. And since none of them are expected to throw very hard, maybe they can each pitch every three games without getting too tired or injured.

As for offense, well, there is a lot of physical strength on the team. So with a bit of training, and a bit more training, and a good deal of luck regarding some of them having the innate talent which allows them to hit major league pitching once in a while, they should eventually start scoring runs. If the run-scoring comes at the same time as a strong pitching performance allowing less than ten runs in a game, these new New York Mets might win a game over the course of the season. Maybe even more than one.

Probably not more than ten. Definitely not more than fifty. This team is likely to be the worst Mets team in the history of the Mets, making 1962 look like 2015 or even 1986. For those readers who do not know what those years mean, the point is these new Mets are not the same as the old Mets because they will be much worse. But management decided that any change was better than sticking with what they had, so this is what they have now.

As for the new NY Giants, if they could clone Noah Syndergaard and have him play every position then this might be a playoff-caliber team. However, since this is reality and not The Land of Unrealistic Hypothetical Scenarios, they will have to make do with different players at each position. Syndergaard can be tight end, with the steady arm of Jacob DeGrom at quarterback. Cespedes can be running back until his hamstring breaks again, and then Tim Tebow can get a chance at that position. Tebow certainly isn’t going to play quarterback again. The wide receivers can be whoever, since they’re not going to be thrown to anyway. It’ll just be Degrom handing the ball off or throwing it to Syndergaard/the other team every play. Matt Harvey can be the kicker—that way he can protect his fragile arm and shoulder, and it’s not like they’ll be in field goal range very often. David Wright will do the same nothing as he usually does.

As for defense—it will be bad. Maybe the Giants will put some of the stronger players on both sides of the ball, but none of them will be especially good. Opposing offenses, even terrible ones, will cause major problems for this defense, and the drastic changes made to the team won’t make it better suited to tackle its problems. With the new defensive linemen giving up about 100 pounds to opposing offensive lines, the Giants’ enemies will be able to embarrass them thoroughly as long as these Giants have any pride left.

It could be tempting to switch the teams back again, but what’s done is done so there’s no way to turn back now. The only thing to do is give them a chance to disprove the haters and doubters, of which there are many. If they are still dysfunctional by 2020, then there will be an opportunity to fill roster spots with players who are qualified for the position.

At least, this will be possible if the Mets and Giants still exist when 2020 comes around.

Mitch McConnell Dumped by Turtle Society

Turtle, Tortoise, Animal, Cartoon, Zoo

No matter what he looks like, Mitch McConnell is not a turtle anymore

The Turtle Appreciation Association sent shock waves through the world of turtle fandom this morning by stripping Senator Mitch McConnell of his “honorary turtle” status after a mere four hours of deliberation.

The Turtle Appreciation Association is one of the largest turtle fan clubs in the world, and is notable for its appreciation not only of real-life turtles, but fictional turtles and humans with turtle-like attributes. According to the association’s website, its official favorite Dr. Seuss book is Yertle the Turtle. The TAA does not care for Charlie Bucket or Matilda, instead stocking its bookshelves with several copies of Esio Trot. The office is decorated not only with dozens of figurines and posters from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles franchise, but also with prints of works by the artists the Turtles were named after. The official favorite singer of the TAA is Howard Kaylan, the favorite Civil War general is George McClellan, and the favorite politician was Mitch McConnell.

Not anymore.

Mr. McConnell has been officially declared a non-turtle, and all pictures of the senator which had been in the possession of the TAA have been incinerated, burned to virtual nothingness like the financial security of millions of Americans negatively impacted by the recent tax bill. The “Rules of Turtle Club” now contain instructions not to talk about Mitch McConnell, as he is too much of a disgrace to turtledom for his name to even be mentioned.

Kenneth “Hardshell” Bennett, official spokesperson for the TAA, released a short statement explaining why Senator McConnell has been de-turtled.

For a long time, Senator Mitch McConnell had been a source of pride for turtle-lovers everywhere. Granted, we often disagreed with his politics, but any disagreements were overshadowed by the fact that he, as a human turtle, had been able to ascend to a position of great power and influence. He showed that turtles could not only outlast rabbits, but they could successfully battle with lions. However, his recent actions regarding the tax reform bill, in which he rushed the legislation through the Senate so quickly that most legislators hardly had any chance to read it and figure out what they were voting on, was unforgivably dissimilar to how a turtle should behave. Coupled with the fact that this legislation could make it more difficult for most prospective turtle owners to purchase and care for domesticated turtles and will most likely slash funding for preserving the environments of wild turtles, extreme action must be taken. Therefore, by the power invested in me by the Great God Om who is a turtle and also a god in Discworld—this is a real thing you can Google it—I hereby strip Senator Mitch McConnell of his turtlehood, now and forever. This matter is final, and shall not be spoken of again.

Mitch McConnell did not respond to requests for comment on the matter, and likely would not have responded even if such requests were made. He was not contacted because there is no need to listen to excuses for the inexcusable.

TotesRealnews Staff Escapes After Month Trapped Underground

Cave, Gallery, Subterranean, Stones

Just before escape. Too dangerous for pictures earlier.

 

The entire journalistic staff of TotesRealNews had been missing in action for the past month, and while they had been missing they had also been in plenty of action due to the effort required to escape from the massive underground dungeon in which they had been imprisoned.

The reason for this dungeon’s existence remains unknown, as the intrepid journalists found themselves so busy struggling to survive and eventually escape that there was no time for inquiries regarding who was in charge and why those in power would create such a hazardous place deep in the bowels of the section of the Earth’s crust which isn’t especially far below sea level. The caverns extended approximately three hundred feet below the surface, although exact measurements were difficult to ascertain without the proper instruments.

In addition to not being able to ask much due to being otherwise preoccupied, the staff of TotesRealNews could not ask much of those nearby due to the hostile nature of the apparent natives. The first of these natives to appear reminded the TotesRealStaff of Morlocks, and also warlocks, so the temporarily inconvenienced reporters and other TotesRealNewspeople called them morwocks when not running away screaming. And there was a lot of running away screaming because although the ability to report on news which no one else can find may seem magical at times, TotesRealReporters are not actual wizards so the morwocks were able to cast spells at will. For the most part, their magic made victims hungry, and all the food available was liver and onions and terrible bread.

This food was so terrible that the TotesRealStaff believed it was worse than any news which could be going on in the outside world.

After what seemed to be somewhere between a week and eternity, and possibly both at the same time, the morwocks stayed below as the TotesRealJournalists faced a variety of subterranean swamp monsters. These were not former Goldman Sachs employees or ostensible human beings who have been in Congress forever, but slimy beasts in a mucky swamp. Sticks suspiciously situated at the edge on the swamp were used to poke the monsters and avoid becoming TotesRealCorpses, but the sticks provided enough time to survive, not enough time to escape.

Escape finally happened when one editor hugged one of the monsters out of desperation, and then the monster slumped into the swamp and disappeared. This lead the rest of the TotesRealStaff to hug monsters, which was unpleasant and at least a little bit traumatic, but it worked and then it became possible to move closer to the surface.

The other challenges were even more difficult, so terrible as to be unprintable, but they happened. Several staff members had to be hospitalized afterwards, thus further delaying the publication of the uniquely true articles which TotesRealNews creates, and it could have been much worse.

As it happened, and it totally happened, the staff of TotesRealNews staff was out of commission for a month because of unlikely and unexplainable circumstances, and not because of one person being a combination of lazy and too overwhelmed by the news cycle to try to write about it.

 

Citing Demogorgon Invasion, Trump Declares National Emergency

Donald Trump recently made a speech advising all Americans to stay safely indoors for the foreseeable future due to the risk posed by demogorgons from the Upside-Down.

Demogorgons are monsters which have been observed multiple times on camera, and this footage has been seen by millions of people. Their extreme quickness and seemingly limitless hunger is reminiscent of the velociraptors from Jurassic Park, but unlike velociraptors the demogorgons are not confined to an island off the coast of Central America. They have been spotted in the mainland United States, in a small town called Hawkins, Indiana, and once a life-threatening menace hits Middle America it has the potential to spread across the entire country.

Recognizing this threat and vowing to keep it under control, President Trump gave a brief speech warning all Americans to take extreme caution until the demogorgons have been destroyed, as well as outlining a plan of action to get rid of the demogorgons. While the mainstream media did not air this speech due to its refusal to recognize demogorgons as a legitimate threat, TotesRealNews was there and recorded what Mr. Trump said. The text of the speech is reproduced below:

I have come to speak to you about a very real danger, and this danger is called demogorgons. The fake news media won’t talk to you about them because they would rather try to take me down with nonsense about Russia, but these demogorgons are bad news. I saw them on TV, and believe me, they are worse than Mexicans. None of these demogorgons are very good people, or even people, I can tell you that.

They are so bad that you all should stay somewhere safe until these demogorgons have been dealt with. I know some of you will be disappointed about missing Halloween, but you would not even be able to enjoy Halloween with these demogorgons around. They will eat all your candy, and then they will eat you. Maybe they eat you first. Who knows? But what I do know is how important it is to take action now, and so I have a plan. It is a very good plan, quite possibly the best plan, and I will tell you about it now.

The first thing we are going to do is build a wall. We will build a very big wall, and a very strong wall, and we will build it around Hawkins, Indiana so the demogorgons can’t get out. Hawkins will pay for it, and if they don’t then we will find a way to get this wall built since it is such an important wall. When this is all over then maybe we will pick this wall up and bring it to the border with Mexico, but right now we are going to focus on building this wall to keep us safe from demogorgons.

The other thing we are going to do is conduct a lot of very quick research on the best way to defeat demogorgons. That means all investigations about Russia or whatever else have to be suspended immediately to focus on the real danger, which is demogorgons. Seriously, they will eat you. Even if Russia and my campaign did anything wrong, which I assure you they didn’t, we would never eat you. Trump Tower taco bowls taste so much better.

Once again, do not go outside, but if you must go outside then visit Donald J. Trump dot com, where you will be able to purchase demogorgon survival kits as long as they haven’t been removed by hackers. Only two hundred dollars, plus shipping and handling.

At press time, no formal plans have been made to build a wall in Indiana, but ISIS has claimed responsibility for the demogorgons. And hackers had apparently visited Donald Trump’s online store, removing one item from the website.

 

 

 

Trump Blames Popular Music for Situation in Puerto Rico

Donald Trump, who is still the President of the United States of America, gave a speech this morning explaining why popular musicians, and not Donald Trump, are to blame for the crisis in Puerto Rico in the wake of Hurricane Maria. He gave this speech not to the general public, but to a small group of real news reporters, none of whom were allowed to bring writing utensils or audio recording devices. This was a problem for the other reporters in attendance, but not for the TotesRealJournalist in attendance who used perfect recall to reproduce the speech below.

 

The liberal fake news media is trying to tell everyone that the terrible situation in Puerto Rico is my fault, but they are wrong. Nothing is my fault, so I’m not responsible for this. What the media isn’t telling you is how popular music made this happen, and since they won’t tell you, I will.

One of these songs which hurt Puerto Rico is one called Believer by a group called Imagine Dragons. First of all, what kind of name is Imagine Dragons? I mean, I always go to bed with a clear conscience to get my three hours of sleep, and now they want me to think about dragons flying around with fiery breath and burning all my money? I wouldn’t sleep at all and then I’d be really cranky and no one would like that, believe me. But anyway, this song Believer, and I’ve been saying I’m a believer in religious stuff for about two years now, talks about how pain and suffering made the guy singing the song a stronger person. So is it really that unreasonable for me to believe, after listening to that song, that letting the people of Puerto Rico suffer would be good for them?

Of course it isn’t, because I am always reasonable. Moving on.

Another one is the new song by Taylor Swift. Who is great. If I wasn’t so busy doing president stuff I’d probably be dating her, and then she’d make the most beautiful song after I broke up with her. But anyway, her song is all about being made to do something, and it’s not good that she did this thing. Meanwhile, Democrats and other people kept trying to get me to lift shipping restrictions to get things to Puerto Rico since the Puerto Ricans are apparently too lazy to get those things themselves, and these people almost made me take action sooner but I listened to this song for inspiration to not let them make me do anything. Couldn’t hold out forever, but thanks to this song I held out a really long time and am still not doing enough.

There’s also this song called Bodak Yellow, it’s one of those rap music songs, and it is really popular right now so of course I know what it is. Bodak, of course, is a country in Africa which is having a really tough time because of yellow fever, and I haven’t been able to help them because the fake news media keeps fighting with me and telling me Bodak is not a country, which would be even sadder if the song didn’t tell me not to help anyone. The rap lyrics in this rap song are about having a lot of money and a lot of nice things and not wanting to do anything nice for anyone else, which as everyone knows is not the way I usually act even though I am very rich, but this is the most popular song in the country right now so obviously this is how people want me to act, so I have been using it as inspiration to not help Bodak or Puerto Rico.

But there is no song which did more to help me make my decision to not do very much than the one called Despacito. Despacito is a Spanish word which means slowly. Slowly is an adverb, and when you are doing something slowly you are being slow with your action. Slow is a four letter word which means the opposite of fast. And in this song they keep saying to do things slowly, and this is a song which comes from Puerto Rico which is an island in the middle of the Caribbean Ocean, so that means in Puerto Rico they want things done slowly. And then I give them hurricane relief slowly and they complain. Do they even know what they want? Who knows. But I don’t have any advisors worth listening to so I do what the songs tell me to do.

Sometimes the advice from the songs turn out to be maybe not the best advice, so Puerto Rico is a disaster right now and the songs made it worse.

Sorry.

But really not sorry.

Wow.

That might have been more ridiculous than Trump’s comments about Puerto Rico which were published on Twitter and the mainstream media. Not definitively so, but maybe.

Looks like it will be up to the American people to help their fellow Americans in Puerto Rico, even through the proposed tax plan is likely to make it increasingly difficult for all but the super-wealthy to be able to afford to make a donation.

Real Article About Donald Trump’s Accomplishments As President

Beach, Sea, Reefs, Sand, Great Britain

This wall is so great, I can tell you that. It keeps all the sea monsters from coming onto the land, and mother nature paid for it.

Donald Trump recently complained on Twitter about the fake news media not talking about his accomplishments as president, but luckily for him TotesRealNews is real news. Therefore, unlike award-winning fake news organizations which seem more concerned with his problems than his achievements, TotesRealNews can and will report about some of the high points of the first two hundred days of President Trump.

The Gorsuch Confirmation

When Donald Trump became president, there was a vacancy on the Supreme Court. Antonin Scalia died suddenly on a hunting trip about a year earlier, and Barack Obama could not replace him. According to sources, this was Obama’s fault because he was incapable of not being hated by the Republican-controlled Congress and therefore this legislative body refused to permit confirmation hearings for Obama’s nominee. So Merrick Garland, an impeccably qualified and ideologically moderate federal judge, could not get onto the court and it was totally Obama’s fault, and then Obama didn’t even bother to appoint another potential Supreme Court Justice for Congress to reject.

After about a year of nothing happening on the Supreme Court front, Donald Trump became president and was elected as a Republican so the Republican-controlled Congress didn’t insist on blocking anyone he nominated. Then Donald Trump could have not bothered to nominate anyone, as has been the case with other vacant government positions. He also could have nominated himself, or Ivanka, or Ted Nugent, but he listened to advice and picked an actual judge with reasonable qualifications although maybe not such reasonable political views. After the nomination was made, Mitch McConnell saw that Donald Trump is not Obama and therefore allowed confirmation hearings for Neil Gorsuch, who was confirmed by a totally overwhelming mandate of 54% of the Senate.

This was one of President Trump’s greatest achievements, but he had others.

Has Not Wrecked Economy Yet

In the first 200 days of Donald Trump’s presidency, the stock market has continued to rise and employment numbers have gone up as well.This has not resulted in an across-the-board increase in wages, and at least one governor is trying to lower the minimum wage without any objection from Donald Trump, but rising Dow Jones and employment numbers are a positive development. Granted, the economy tends to change slowly and these numbers are believed by those who understand economics to be the result of policies enacted by the Obama Administration, but Donald Trump still managed not to ruin everything yet, which is something.

Trump, with the help of a complicit Congress, possibly could have gotten a law passed raising corporate taxes to 100% for any company which contributed to any campaign for a Democratic candidate. That would have crashed the economy quickly, but he didn’t do that. He also didn’t fire Steven Mnuchin as Treasury Secretary and replace him with Lindsay Lohan. Nor did he send out a series of tweets praising Russia’s communist tradition and promising harsh penalties for any company daring to make a quarterly profit of more than one percent.

Due to Donald Trump not totally destroying Obama’s economic momentum, the economy is not currently a total disaster, so that’s somewhat of an accomplishment.

Cracking Down on Gangs and Terrorists

The fake news media might assert that all recent presidents have done this, and maybe they are technically telling the truth, but Donald Trump talks about it more which means he’s doing a better job at it. The critics and the haters, of which there are many, worry that the heavy-handed anti-terrorism strikes might actually be a powerful recruiting tool for the terrorists, and they also show concern that the MS-13 hullabaloo is more about xenophobia than safety, but even if they are correct, Donald Trump is still promising action and taking it.

So there.

The Trump Administration is doing something which at least on the surface is a successful initiative. That should hush the critics who say Trump has done absolutely nothing in almost seven months, but even if it does not, the critics should be aware that there are even more accomplishments.

Deporting a Bunch of People

The deportation numbers might be even stronger than the employment numbers. And deportation helps unemployment as well, because it is impossible to be unemployed in the United States when you’ve been deported from the United States. The ICE, with help from volunteer services by right-wing activists, has helped kick lots and lots of people out of the country. Some of those kicked out have been actual criminals, and others have done nothing wrong except failing to have the proper paperwork.

Paperwork is important. Unless you are the President and your nosy enemies are insisting upon looking at your tax returns, producing paperwork is an essential aspect to being a law-abiding resident of this country. Therefore, according to this totally sound logic, those who claim to be victims of bureaucratic dysfunction or exorbitant filing fees are actually just victims of their own failure to file paperwork and the deportation of such people is an important accomplishment which Donald Trump is totally justified in being proud of.

The related goal of building a wall to keep illegal immigrants out hasn’t quite gone as planned, but no one is perfect, right? And while imperfect, Donald Trump has moved closer to this ideal with the next, less publicized, accomplishment.

Not Posting Game of Thrones Spoilers

There have been leaks all over the internet regarding plot points of the popular television series Game of Thrones, but none of these leaks have come from Donald Trump. In the tens of thousands of social media posts which Mr. Trump has unleashed upon the internet, it is believed that zero of them include any sort of spoilers about Game of Thrones. If all your Game of Thrones knowledge came from Donald Trump’s social media posts, you might believe that Jon Arryn is still alive and well, or at least as well as an old man can be with the lack of advanced health care services available in Westeros, except you might not have any idea who Jon Arryn was because you would know nothing about Game of Thrones.

While Donald Trump may have spoiled a lot of things, the first and foremost being November 9th for the majority of American voters, he has not spoiled Game of Thrones for anybody, and for that he should be commended. This might have been his greatest accomplishment if not for the next one:

Ridding the World of the Unicorn Menace

While Donald Trump Jr. has gotten most of the press for his hunting exploits, Donald Trump Sr. is actually the more accomplished hunter. If words on the internet are to be believed, President Trump’s hunting may have actually saved the world. Because he killed all the unicorns.

The doubters and the cynics might say there are no unicorns, and they’re correct now, but only because of the heroics of Donald Trump. It is a little-known fact that the woods within the Mar-a-Lago golf course contained unicorns, and those unicorns were getting stronger and more numerous by the year. According to unicorn experts, they would have been strong enough to leave the woods and challenge humans for American supremacy by 2020. Which is why Donald Trump had to kill them. For the sake of the people.

Since most people are not unicorn experts, most people do not know how difficult it is to kill a unicorn. Unicorns have extremely durable skin which cannot be damaged by gunfire or regular fire or basically anything else which humans use to kill each other. The only thing which kills a unicorn is a noogie from a world leader. The display of power literally kills them. This is a 100% effective strategy, but it had never been tried before. Donald Trump just knew how to kill unicorns by using the very good brain of his and by consulting unicorn experts, and this knowledge was why he bought the land which became Mar-a-Lago, and the true reason why he absolutely had to become president, even if he had to collude with Russia to win the electoral vote.

Once he became president, Trump’s true work was at the “Winter White House,” and this is the reason for his myriad golfing trips there. His golfing partners would be sworn to secrecy every time Donald Trump hit a ball near the woods, because after that happened Donald Trump would pick up the ball and walk into the woods alone, which is unconventional golf play even by Trump standards. Then the president would search for a solitary unicorn, since the plan would be extraordinarily dangerous if multiple unicorns were present, and then he would immobilize the unicorn temporarily by throwing the golf ball at its horn. If the ball missed, Trump would scurry out of there and claim he lost the ball, but if it made contact then the unicorn would be paralyzed for about a minute, giving Donald Trump ample time to administer the noogie and recover the ball and carry the ball back to the fairway, because anyone who just killed a dangerous horned beast deserves a decent lie.

Mr. Trump did this dozens of times throughout the first 200 days of his presidency, until all the unicorns of Mar-a-Lago, and therefore all the unicorns of the world, had been eradicated. It was hard work, but it had to be done, and Donald Trump was the only man who could do it. He could not admit to doing this, because the American people are not yet ready for their president to admit to killing unicorns, but what was done has still been done.

Even if Donald Trump doesn’t accomplish anything else in his remaining time in office, the unicorn slaying alone makes him one of the most heroic presidents of all time.

TotesReallyHeroic.

 

Nothing Happened Recently

There have been no articles published on TotesRealNews in the past few weeks because nothing newsworthy has happened. Fake news organizations such as the Associated Press might disagree, but this is why they are fake news. If they were really news, they would know nothing newsworthy has been going on.

Alleged journalists made a big deal of Anthony Scaramucci’s brief stint as White House communications director, but real journalists know it was no big deal. Rookies get signed to ten-day contracts all the time, and often the contract doesn’t get renewed. Mr. Scaramucci didn’t perform up to high-level professional standards, so he was probably sent back down to the developmental league to improve his self-control. Maybe if he learns how to refrain from committing several fouls over the course of a few minutes, he’ll get another chance, but if not then he’s just another one of many hopefuls who couldn’t succeed in such a competitive and high-pressure environment. He wasn’t the first, and he will not be the last, and reporting on such things will distract from real news if any real news ever happens again.

Real news also didn’t happen when the Affordable Care Act didn’t get repealed, and the AHCA also failed to pass. This is not things happening, this is things not happening. And things don’t happen even more often than communications directors lose their jobs in less than two weeks. No one makes a big deal about when Congress doesn’t pass a bill outlawing frogs, or when it doesn’t appropriate two billion dollars to research why DJ Khaled is so successful, so they shouldn’t make a big deal about the non-success of a bill which aimed to cut taxes by taking health insurance away from tens of millions of people. Besides, according to noted policy expert Donald Trump, Congress can keep trying to replace Obamacare indefinitely.

There has also been much attention paid to the so-called collusion scandal by fake news outfits such as the New York Times, but real journalists know that this investigation is a nothing burger. A nothing burger is a perfectly valid metaphor in which an insubstantial rumor is physically represented by a bun with nothing in it. Not air, but nothing. A vacuum. An absence of matter which will destroy everything it touches, except for the bun.

The bun, in this metaphor, is Donald Trump. He is white bread,  very seedy, much less substantial than he appears, and his name has become synonymous with multiple slang terms for the buttocks. While some might be surprised that Donald Trump would be part of the nothing burger when the nothing burger seems determined to destroy him, this should not be surprising. Donald Trump has been involved with things that should have destroyed him for years, and especially frequently since he started his presidential campaign, and nothing bad has happened to him.

The latter nothing, the nothing which happened to Donald Trump, is an even more nothing-y nothing than the nothing which has happened in the news recently.

 

 

Babadook Leaves Closet, Writes New Book

The infamous villain known as the Babadook, who was recently outed as a gay monster, has come to terms with who he is and wrote a new book about it. TotesRealNews was able to get a copy of the text, and while the pictures are not available as of yet we assume at least one of them will look something like this:

Image result for babashook

The Babadook, who may or not be wearing a rainbow hat at the moment, definitely wrote these words as the text to the Babadook book:

The struggle was brutal, the struggle was real
When it came to attraction, women held no appeal
In my family men married women or no one
And no casual dating, our faith could be no fun
But I didn’t question, I swallowed my sadness
And slowly began my descent into madness
As I hid in a hat, with each hand in a glove
Since it seemed Babadook would never find love

And now, before the story continues, here’s another image from the internet which captures the Babadook’s new image:

Image result for babashook

If this was in the book, the picture wouldn’t have the tweet at the bottom. And speaking of the book, the text continues below:

 

My mood didn’t improve as I increased in age
The frustration festered and it turned into rage
My anger was palpable, it flowed through my veins
Corrupting my heart and gall bladder and brains
Gall bladder’s a big part of why I was vile
This medical issue meant an increase in bile
I was filled with bad humors which may have been killin’ me
And they led me straight into a life filled with villainy

Now, here’s a picture of the still-closeted Babadook:

Image result for angry babadook

It was the phase of the Babadook’s life represented above which is described in the Bababook text below:

I made it my mission to make misery spread
I’d pick out a victim and I’d get in their head
I’d stalk and I’d taunt and I’d cause hearts to pound
Life was more exciting when I was around
But their lives weren’t good, and often not long
And I felt no remorse since the hate was so strong
I kept messing lives up while dressing so spiffily
Until very recently when I had an epiphany

Now, another picture from the internet which could be in this book if it doesn’t use new artwork:

Image result for babashook

And the conclusion:

 

If it makes me happy, then there is no harm
To flashier fashion and a man on my arm
I used to hide. Now you all can look.
I’m out and proud. Now get Babashook
I’m no longer evil. I’m in a better place
But I’ll make an exception in one special case
At night I’ll go to bed instead of going bump
But during the day I might scare Donald Trump

Donald Trump could not be reached for comment, because it’s the weekend and he’s probably golfing.

 

Shouting at the Top 20 Songs on the Billboard Hot 100 and Telling Them to Get Off My Lawn

The stories currently dominating the mainstream media are fake news. Only shouting at pop songs and telling them to get off my lawn is real!

20 songs are about to be shouted at, although possibly less than they deserve.

20. Ayo & Teo, Rolex

The two of you need to get off my lawn with this nonsense. Nothing wrong with wanting a fancy watch, but if you get one then maybe take care of it. Don’t put ranch dressing on it! That ruins it! Who are you? Are you Ayo and Teo, or the Mad Hatter and the March Hare? And first you’re saying you want the Rolex, and then you have it and it makes your life better, and then you want it again. Make up your minds. Ahhhh!

19. Brett Young, In Case You Didn’t Know

What if she says no? You’re leaving yourself super-vulnerable here, buddy! If she doesn’t feel close to as strongly about you as you feel about her, which is a distinct possibility because you set the bar really high for intense emotions, then you’re due for a massive heartbreak and then you’ll have to write another song about how you loved her so much and she broke your heart anyway and she won’t be listening to it at all. And can you try any harder to make a wedding song? If you can, please don’t.

18. French Montana & Swae Lee, Unforgettable

When you title a song “Unforgettable”, you set a certain expectation for the song, which is not met here. Not met at all! The more memorable part of the song is an overlong, overproduced, autotuned chorus which eventually comes to the conclusion that a sexual relationship should take place because “why not.” Why not??? These awful persuasive skills might be one good reason why not. Also, do you even pronoun? Two different people are referred to as “you” in the same verse. At least I think it was the same verse. I can’t say for sure since even though I just heard the song, I forgot.

17. Childish Gambino, Redbone

What did you do to Childish Gambino? Where is he? This sounds like a soul track from forty years ago. Nothing childish about that! When I first heard this I didn’t know who did it, but I never would have guessed Childish Gambino. This is a drastic change from someone who gained fame as a rapping comedian and comedic actor, and nothing about this is either rapping or comedic! Maybe it’s not bad, but it’s change, and here from my virtual lawn chair I shake my fist at change. Chaaaaaaange! That means I hate it, not that I want change, although now I must change the song I’m shouting at.

16. Kyle & Lil’ Yachty, iSpy

Get off of my head lawn with this song, Kyle and Lil’ Yachty! This is very catchy, with an earworm of a sing-song chorus reminiscent of a kids’ song. But this is not a kids’ song. Maybe an adolescent song, but it is not for kids. The thematic content is not for children, and neither are the words. Especially the uncensored version, with its words that children and Bill Maher can (and should) get yelled at for saying. But the point here is the song should be yelled at for sounding so much more innocent than it is. Yell! Yell! Yell!

15. Imagine Dragons, Believer

Have you met people before, Imagine Dragons? Don’t you know how poor listening comprehension can be? Just because this is supposed to be an inspiring song about how making it through suffering caused by forces beyond your control gave you the strength to take control of your life, that doesn’t mean that’s how people will interpret it. You sing so quickly in much of the song that sometimes all someone will hear is “Pain!” And they will think you think pain is a good thing no matter what, so they should inflict pain on themselves. And that is not good for them. Not good for them at all, Imagine Dragons.

14. Sam Hunt, Body Like a Back Road

This song is dirty like a back road, without using any actual profanity, and the dirtiness of the back roads is one part of the metaphor the song missed. If her body’s really like a back road then it’s likely to be filthy and poorly maintained, with unexpected bumps which will shock and possibly hurt you. And a lot of other people ride on top of a back road with no one else in sight. Maybe no one else noticed how you only used the metaphor when it was convenient for you, but I did. Also, this song encourages terrible driving if taken literally. 15 in a 30 is a terrible idea, and driving with your eyes closed is worse. Maybe you think people should know better, but if you know enough people then you should know better than that.

13. Kygo & Selena Gomez, It Ain’t Me

Why you gotta be so cruel, Selena? This guy is obviously going through some struggles, with a serious case of alcoholism, and not only do you leave him but you rub it in his face! Maybe he’s beyond help, and it is not your responsibility to try to fix him, but if you’re a decent human being then it’s your responsibility not to be like “Ha ha ha you need all sorts of help and comfort and I’m not going to give you any.” That’s just mean. For shame, Selena. For. Shame.

12. James Arthur, Say You Won’t Let Go

What’s going on in this song, James? Are you stuck in a moment of regret the whole song and daydreaming of what might have been, or did the relationship progress from a night to a lifetime over the course of three minutes of singing? If the former, then there should have been an easy solution to that. You had her number, right? So after you realized it wasn’t just the alcohol controlling your emotions, you could have called her up the next day and tried to set up another date. If you were too scared to do that, then regret that, but not your decision not to do something while intoxicated which you both might regret in the morning. Telling her to get some rest was the right decision! If she said she wouldn’t let go, and you let her keep holding on even though she was more drunk than you were, that would have been the opposite of the right decision!

And if it was the latter, if you ended up getting married and staying together your whole lives, why do you need her to say those words? Hasn’t she said as much, over and over again, with her actions? A promise to stay means much less than actually staying! How do you not know this?! Argh!

11. Julia Michaels, Issues

You’ve got some issues, Julia. More than the issues you admit to having in the song. First of all, you are judging. Maybe you are choosing to forgive and accept after judging, but by proclaiming your partner has issues you are making a judgment. But the biggest issue with the song is the assertion at the end of the chorus, that being irresistibly attracted to this other person is a problem, when you just said you are perfect for each other. Do you want the relationship you have, or not? There is no place on my lawn for such indecision!

10. Post Malone, Congratulations

Good job, Post Malone, creating yet another addition to the most common theme in hip-hop, being successful in spite of the haters and doubters. And considering how whiny your voice sounds when you try to sing, the haters and doubters may have been justified. But you made it. You’ve reached a level of mild-to-moderate success, which is much better than mild-to-moderate plaque psoriasis. But what gets under my skin is one little line where you ask how you can make sense when your mind is focusing on making millions. How can you? Easily! Snoop knew this 25 years ago. When you’ve got money on your mind, you gotta focus on the lyrics to make that money. Or at some point a record executive will listen to a track of yours, decide it makes no sense, and burn up all your deals. If that happens, no amount of swagging will save your career, and you’ll wish you’d made sense.

9. Lil Uzi Vert, XO Tour Llif3

This song makes Julia Michaels seem well-adjusted. Maybe Xanny takes the pain away, but it can also take the brain away, especially if mixed with other drugs and it sounds like it’s being mixed with other drugs in this song. Maybe that’s why you thought llif3 is a word. Llif3 is not a word! And “committed, not addicted” is exactly the sort of thing an addict in heavy denial would say. The problems alluded to here are super-depressing, and I don’t want them on my lawn. Go away!

8. The Chainsmokers & Coldplay, Something Just Like This

The woman in the song is a dream crusher! If he wants to better himself, let him better himself! Yeah, she’s justified in not wanting him to be something he’s not, especially if trying to do so is a dangerous course of action, but there are other roads to self-improvement and she doesn’t want him to take them. She just wants him to stay boring and unimpressive, and basically just be there for her without much of a life of his own. Which is terrible! And he seems to be relieved about her total lack of expectations, so maybe he deserves her, but such a celebration of mediocrity has no place on my lawn! Shoo!

7. Zedd & Alessia Cara, Stay

Needy and demanding much here, Alessia? Was the man from “Baby it’s Cold Outside” a role model of yours? The person you want to stay doesn’t have to stay, and you know it, and yet you keep insisting otherwise. And we all know staying for just a minute won’t be nearly enough for you, since you’d stay on that couch for hours if you could, taking occasional brief breaks before going right back on the couch again. So you are needy and dishonest. Shame! Despite the shameful nature of this song, it has stayed near the top of the Billboard Hot 100 chart for months, and may stay for a while, but this song may not stay on the front lawn of my mind. Leave!

6. Future, Mask Off

Maybe the worst song out of all these. Even after struggling through the lyric video, it’s hard to tell what it’s about, but it sounds like taking a bunch of drugs and then robbing a bank without a mask on even though he makes plenty of money rapping. I’m not going to say any more about this one except OFF MY LAWN!

5. Ed Sheeran, Shape of You

First of all, Ed, magnets don’t push. They pull. I push you off my lawn for mistakes like that one, and the subject-verb agreement error in the same line. A magnet does. Some magnets do. Poetic license doesn’t apply when there is such an easy fix. What’s not easily fixed is the premise of the song as a whole, that the shape of a body is a subject of love. If someone took the same shape and turned it into a red, green, and purple mannequin, I guarantee you would not feel the same emotions. If you did, then you have worse issues than several narrators of the songs on this list.

4. Kendrick Lamar, Humble

Don’t tell me to sit down! I am sitting, by the lawn I totally have, as you come along with your clever wordplay and complex rhymes that aren’t actually directed at me but sometimes seem like they could be. I will not sit down when I am already sitting, and I will not stand for this song overstaying its welcome on my lawn. Be gone now! Go away!

3. DJ Khaled & A Bunch of Other People, I’m the One

Which one of you is the one? Maybe when only one of you claims to be the one I can believe you and then this song would be welcome on my lawn. Right now, it’s not.

2. Bruno Mars, That’s What I Like

I get it, Bruno. You’re really rich, and you like spending your money to make someone else happy, at least until she tires of material possessions and longs for something deeper. And while T.I. made essentially the same song a few years ago with “Whatever You Like,” you put your own spin on it and you do it well, which is fine. What is not fine is this song staying on my lawn unless it uses the money it talks about to cut the grass. That would be useful, since I’m too busy shouting at songs to mow the lawn.

1. Luis Fonsi, Daddy Yankee, & Justin Bieber, Despacito

No entiendo mucho de este cancion. Estoy escribiendo en espanol ahora porque escucho Despacito muy frecuentemente. Por eso, este cancion tiene que get off my lawn ahora mismo!