Frightened First Amendment Files For Restraining Order against Trump

The Internet – In response to a statement made at CPAC by the 45th President of the United States of America, a lawyer representing the First Amendment to the United States Constitution has filed paperwork to keep Mr. Trump as far away from the First Amendment as possible.

Speaking at the Conservative Political Action Conference this morning, the same head of state who banned several established newspapers from his press briefings made an astonishing claim. He claimed to love the First Amendment more than anyone else does, a statement which can easily be dismissed as a lie. However, the lawyer representing the First Amendment says that Mr. Trump wasn’t lying at all, but reflecting how the president’s definition of love is not the same as the notion of romantic love commonly depicted in the arts and elsewhere.

According to this lawyer, who is speaking anonymously due to concerns regarding Mr. Trump’s love of freedom of speech, when Donald Trump loves it is not about affection and mutual respect. It is first and foremost about possession and control, and therefore often accompanied by jealousy. When Mr. Trump believes he loves someone, or something, he wants to be able to do whatever he wants with this person or thing without legal or marital consequences. Any comforts provided by this person or thing should belong to Mr. Trump, and Mr. Trump alone. Therefore, according to this definition of love, Donald Trump loves the First Amendment very much.

This love is unrequited. The First Amendment hasn’t said so itself, because as everyone knows written words are incapable of speech except maybe through text-to-speech generators and those haven’t been utilized in this case, but much like anti-abortion activists are able to speak for unborn embryos and fetuses, the anonymous lawyer is speaking for the First Amendment. And filing for a restraining order in order to keep the president’s small hands from touching the explicit or implicit protections provided by this important paragraph.

Donald Trump could not be reached for comment about this story, but the Babadook could be, and said this: