Obama Hacked Trump’s Twitter To Make President Seem Paranoid

The Internet – Donald Trump’s Twitter account posted a series of tweets this morning accusing Barack Obama of illegally wiretapping Trump Tower, which many are saying makes Mr. Trump look even crazier than usual. However, according to words on the internet, the president didn’t write or even dictate those tweets. What really happened is Mr. Obama hacked into the @realDonaldTrump Twitter account to make Donald Trump look bad.

According to these same anonymous but totally real sources, this isn’t the first time Obama hacked Trump’s Twitter. Every time a particularly ludicrous tweet has been released this year, it wasn’t Trump behind the words. It was Obama. The current president has been reluctant to admit that his Twitter had been compromised, since being vulnerable to such interference might make Donald Trump seem weak, but the hacks happened. Mr. Trump has even adopted some of the lunatic talking points in his public statements to keep people from suspecting he’d been Twitter-hacked, but he has been. By Barack Obama.

Some may find it preposterous that Obama would spend his post-presidency hacking the current president’s Twitter account, citing reports that Mr. Obama  spent the end of January on vacation, but Barack Obama didn’t take a vacation. As all people visiting certain corners of the internet are well aware, Obama spent almost his entire presidency on vacation and is therefore all vacationed out. Any more vacations and he would literally explode from happiness, so he sent Barack Clonebama instead. And as Barack Obama’s totally real clone soaked up the sun with Richard Branson, the former president sat in his lair with a bunch of evil computer programmers and plotted to make Donald Trump look as ridiculous as possible.

Because Donald Trump doesn’t do enough to embarrass himself on his own.

 

Trump Excited To Hate-Watch Oscars

Food, Popcorn, Snack, Movie, Corn, Eat

Trump plans on eating lots of this while watching the Oscars tonight

 

The Internet – According to totally reliable sources, sources so real that they are only giving their information to TotesRealNews, Donald Trump is too excited about angrily watching the Academy Awards tonight to do anything presidential today except playing golf. He is going to let unelected maniac Steve Bannon concentrate on policy, which Mr. Trump insists is not usually the case, while the president plans tweets in response to various potential outcomes in tonight’s awards show.

According to the reliable sources, if La La Land wins, Trump plans to tweet that the Oscars are rigged in favor of people who can sing, because anyone who has seen Donald Trump attempt to sing the Green Acres theme song knows that the president is not musically inclined. If Arrival wins, he plans on framing the victory of this anti-xenophobia film as insulting to Trump’s message of America first. If Fences wins the golden statue, he plans on condemning this movie with an ex-con protagonist as being against law and order. Hell or High Water can also be seen as sympathetic toward criminals, which Trump plan to spin as insulting toward law enforcement. If Lion, a foreign film, wins then this is obviously rigged against movies made by Americans. If Hacksaw Ridge wins, then the Oscars must be rigged to promote compassion, which Mr. Trump has repeatedly shown himself to be against. As for Manchester By The Sea, Trump says it should not win because it is “Sad!” If Moonlight wins, that will be seen as a statement in favor of making people in the LGBTQ community seem human, which the Trump Administration is obviously not in favor of. And Mr. Trump is still thinking of why he will be mad if Hidden Figures wins, but he is sure he will be.

Mr. Trump is also looking forward to angrily tweeting about the award acceptance speeches, which will almost certainly be highly critical of the new president. He expects himself to call at least a few people “overrated” and “not very good” and maybe even some new original insults. While many are saying Trump is genuinely upset by the negative statements about him, the aforementioned reliable sources are saying he secretly loves it, and the reason why he’s skipping the White House Correspondents’ Dinner is because he doesn’t want the public to see him being so happy.

Mr. Trump is also said to be planning a tweet at the Babadook, to rub in the fact that the movie didn’t even get nominated for any Oscars, and then hopefully drum up more attention for himself through another Twitter war.

Donald Trump is not said to be thinking about what might happen if he put as much effort into being a decent leader as he puts into his reactions to the things he sees on television.

 

Auditions Held For Secretary of Humor

Melon, Watermelon, Pulp, Red, Section

The Internet – The Trump Administration is creating a new Cabinet post, the Secretary of Humor, in order to oversee a department dedicated to determining what jokes out there are deserving of the Trump Seal of Approval, and which are not. This way, President Trump will know which comedians and comedy programs he should be attacking on Twitter, and which he should be praising, without having to do any research.

The original plan was to make the audition an open one, but last Saturday the line around Trump Tower stretched several blocks as hundreds of aspiring comedians showed up due to the promise of a potentially lucrative opportunity, or possibly for the chance to heckle Donald Trump to his face. No one got that chance, however, as they cancelled open auditions and made it invite-only, to be held on Saturday, December 10th.

Out of the dozens receiving invitations, most refused, often citing a desire to do absolutely anything which didn’t involve working for Donald Trump. Several refusals prompted angry tweets from the president-elect, such as this one:

One of the few who accepted the invitation was Yakov Smirnoff, whose association with Russia likely led the Trump Team to believe he might be the idea Secretary of Humor. During the audition, he was pressed to do a Russian reversal despite telling the Trump Team those were never a big part of his act. However, they kept insisting, so he said “In Soviet America, joke tells you.” When asked to explain what he meant, Smirnoff said “Joke tells you what is funny, joke tells you what is American, joke tells you what is great. Joke is elected president.”

Smirnoff is no longer under consideration for the Secretary of Humor position, but he is under strong consideration to be sent to a Midwestern gulag in January.

At press time, the Trump Team was reported to be deciding between Larry the Cable Guy and Gallagher. Most likely, the new Secretary of Humor will be Gallagher. Which probably makes the United States of America a watermelon.