Pence Tours BS Factory, Joins Trump Ticket

New York, Taxi Cab, Trump Tower, Nyc


The Internet – Mikey Pence, a 57-year-old boy from Indiana, successfully completed  a tour of the Trump Tower in Manhattan yesterday, thus earning the opportunity of a lifetime to be the Republican vice-presidential nominee for the 2016 election.

Five potential candidates entered the tower, which Trump sometimes calls the BS factory due to its ability to create bon soirs, which is French for “good evenings”, but only one left as the person who would be next in line to become president of the United States of America if Trump is elected. That lucky person, the only one not to suffer any embarrassing failures in a series of challenges, was Mikey Pence.

The five vice-presidential hopefuls entered the tower, each showing a guard their golden text message, and then they were led into the Trump Grill, where they were presented with a buffet full of food associated with various ethnic groups which Trump has offended and subsequently claimed to love. The candidates were told to eat as much as they wanted to, and four of the five ate moderately, but Governor Christie apparently thought it was an eating contest and finished three platefuls of bean-heavy fare. He then had to excuse himself for an extended bathroom visit, and the tour went on without him.

After completing their lunches, the candidates were sent on a scavenger hunt for Pokemon. As none of these potential candidates are under the age of forty, they were not expected to use the Pokemon Go app, but instead to find plush dolls of the pocket monsters, which Trump was easily able to purchase because, as he frequently reminds others, he is really rich. The scavenger hunt ended fairly quickly when Sarah Palin found a Pikachu doll and did what she always does when she finds what she is looking for during a hunt. Soon afterwards, security removed her from the premises for unsafe firearm use, and then there were three.

The three who remained continued the tour, eventually stopping in a nightclub, where  attractive female exotic dancers danced exotically. Mikey Pence and Teddy Cruz took this opportunity to pray for the souls of sinners everywhere, and while Teddy was seen sneaking several long looks at the dancers, this was not against the rules. Newt Gingrich, on the other hand, made it rain, which was also allowed, but moving on to the next part of the tour required a small tip to hotel staff, and Newt spent all the cash in his pocket on the strippers so he was unable to move on.

Finally, Teddy and Mikey were told to take the elevator up to Donald Trump’s penthouse, where the first one there would be officially named to the ticket.  Mikey was assigned an elevator very slightly to the left of Teddy’s, and the race was on. Teddy made it to his elevator almost a full minute before Mikey, but the elevators were programmed to stop one time for each colleague that the candidate upset within the past five years, which made for slow rides for both of them, but young Teddy’s ride was significantly slower. So Mike Pence emerged at the top as the winner, and accepted his prize as Teddy hurled obscenities from what he came to see as a not-great-at-all glass elevator.

In subsequent interviews with mainstream media sources, all of the contestants, as well as Trump Tower employees, are likely to deny that this ever occurred. Some contestants may even deny that they were in the running for the nomination. Nevertheless, this totally happened.


*Editor’s note: What was once called “TotesRealNews” is now “SuchRealNews.” The news is just as real as it always was, and where it says “Totesreal” in the text this can be mentally replaced with “suchreal” or “veryreal” or left as it is. But due to the high journalistic integrity of SuchRealNews, and definitely not laziness, all references to the previous name within articles will remain unchanged.

Trump Names Clinton as Veep Pick

Trump, Facade, Identity, Question


The Internet – Donald Trump has chosen his vice presidential pick a full day ahead of schedule, and he has chosen Hillary Clinton. This is seen as a controversial choice, as Ms. Clinton is a Democrat and also Donald Trump’s presumptive opponent in the general election, but Mr. Trump defended his choice in the press release reproduced below:

I am proud to introduce Secretary Clinton as my running mate for the upcoming election. This will not be a traditional partnership, as she will not be joining me on the campaign trail because she will be running her own crooked campaign instead, but she is still the best choice for my vice president for several reasons.

The first reason is to provide balance on the ticket. The Republican Party is the Party of Lincoln, and Lincoln taught us the importance of picking someone very different in order to appeal to as many voters as possible. By choosing a woman with mostly liberal policies and Southern roots and a background of strong religious faith as well as demonstrated respect for actual facts, this should help our ticket cover almost all of the voting demographics. This will be especially effective in getting the votes of independent voters who want a conservative ticket, but not an insanely conservative ticket.

Additionally, our campaign decided to make this choice to show how my supporters are the best supporters, who will support me no matter what. I’ve already said I could commit a capital offense in plain sight and they’d vote for me, and I still believe that to be true. However, I cannot do such a thing, since even with the best lawyers I would still probably have a tough time campaigning from prison. But what I can do is show that my supporters are so great that they will vote for me even if I pick Crooked Hillary as my vice president. And they are the greatest, so even putting Crooked Hillary on the ticket won’t stop any of them from voting for me.

Finally, I have made this decision to keep me motivated to continue performing my job as president. After all, being president is hard work, and far less profitable than running for president, so if my vice president was a fellow conservative then when the going got tough, it would be tough not to get going back to the hotel business. But if quitting means Crooked Hillary becomes president, I promise you I would never, ever do that. I swear on my record of integrity as a businessman and political candidate that once I am president and she is vice president, I will do everything in my power to make sure it stays that way.

Thank you, and God – who, by the way, I have a great personal relationship with – bless America.

When reached for comment on this decision, Secretary Clinton shook her head and laughed, and then said she was going to take a short break from campaigning to go furniture shopping.