Multiple Video Game Characters Arrested For Murder, Other Crimes

Video games are back in the news again after a mind-boggling series of mass murders which make it seem like the real world is some sort of dystopian horror movie. This is because in true dystopian fashion, prominent political leaders are blaming video games for these horrifying acts of violence instead of more realistic underlying causes.

While there is little to no causative relationship between the violence found in video games and violence perpetrated in real life, police within video game realities have determined that many well-known community members are far too violent and they have made a string of arrests to deal with this problem.

They started by indicting virtually everyone in the Grand Theft Auto series on murder and racketeering charges.

Those two charges were also levied against Bowser “King” Koopa, along with possession of illegal deadly plants, operating flying warships without a license, nearly infinite counts of kidnapping, and necromancy. No one can resurrect themselves that many times, especially after suffering incurable injuries from lava exposure, without using illegal dark magic.

Shredder and Krang and Baxter Stockman and Bebop and Rocksteady and General Traag and various other violent villains from the Ninja Turtles franchise are all going to jail, as long as authorities can locate and arrest them. The video game police would enlist the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for assistance, but the turtles are all under arrest for an unsettling pattern of pizza theft. When a pizza delivery professional sets down a pie for a moment, that is not permission to take it, no matter how noble your quest.

The turtles, of course, are not the only so-called good guys in legal trouble. Link and the unnamed paperboy are awaiting trial on vandalism charges. Dr. Mario’s lackadaisical pharmaceutical practices have had deadly consequences and he is finally being held fully responsible. Frogger not only endangers his own life, but those of motorists, with his highway hopping so he’s going to jail too. But not for as long as Kirby, who steals the soul of almost everyone he meets, only to spit it back out again minutes later.

The longest jail sentence out of all the video game heroes will be for Super Mario, who is different from Dr. Mario. While most video game heroes can claim self-defense for every time they kill someone, Mario cannot. Slow-moving goomba mushrooms and Koopa Troopa turtles do not pose a credible threat to any able-bodied awake individual, so there is no need to injure them, let alone kill them. And judging by the angle at which Super Mario often lands on these poor manipulated individuals, there is nothing accidental about these killings.

If Super Mario’s trial goes as expected, he will be in jail for a very long time.

The dog from Duck Hunt, unfortunately, is not expected to face any penalties whatsoever. And neither is the leadership of the NRA.


Bowser Koopa Pulls Out of Climate Agreement

Bowser “King” Koopa, the notorious megalomaniac and princess-kidnapper, sent shockwaves through the Mushroom Kingdom yesterday when he set fire to his copy of the Climate Control Act of 1985, thus declaring himself no longer bound to the decades-old agreement.

While Mr. Koopa has perpetrated his share of villainy throughout the years, it has always been environmentally conscious villainy. He has frequently used bombs as weapons, but these bombs only affect a small area and cause no noticeable damage after the initial shock of the explosion. The airships which he gave to his children kept emissions to nearly undetectable levels, which was unheard of at the time. And although Mr. Koopa and several of his minions breathe fire, the fire is not accompanied by smoke so the air has remained clean.

Until now.

To those worrying about mushroom clouds in the Mushroom Kingdom, there is no cause for concern. Mr. Koopa cares about his employees—at least the ones he doesn’t place near precipices, on towering treetops, or atop solid clouds despite their inability to stop and turn around at the edge—so the bombs he employs will remain non-nuclear.

One thing which will change is the amount of smoke allowed into the air. Plants which had been engineered to breathe fire will breathe smoke instead, causing some damage to the air but even more damage to Mr. Koopa’s plumber adversaries. These are people who get seriously injured by walking into a slow-moving turtle, even though they are wearing overalls which make it rather difficult for a turtle to bite and break the skin, so breathing in smoke a couple of times could be fatal for Mario and Luigi. Additionally, less eco-friendly airships would not only save Mr. Koopa money, but they would also help those ships achieve their primary purpose, which is destroying plumbers.

Mr. Koopa is undecided about dumping sludge into the water where plumbers might be swimming, since while that would certainly kill his enemies it is likely to kill his minions as well. But he is glad he has this option now that he’s pulled out of the climate agreement, the climate agreement which was terribly unfair because it gave his competition a fighting chance.

He is also unconcerned about potential rising water levels from pollution-induced increased temperatures, since that would increase his chances of killing plumbers via drowning.

Mario and Luigi could not be reached for comment, as they are busy rushing to save the Princess before these toxic deregulations have a chance to take effect.